I use to love washing the dishes. That was one time when everyone would scatter for fear of being put to work helping. It gave me time to indulge in my own thoughs. My thoughts would soar. I would imagine the day I could go back to work outside the home. I would be a secretary with well manicured hands and nails, my hair would be professionally syled (without a rubber band) and I'd be dressed in a classic black suit, modest heals and nylons. I can't even remember the last time I bought nylons, let alone wore them....

Then my thoughts would drift into the more creative me. I'd be at a magnificent art gallery with an exclusive showing of my work. Important people from all around the globe waiting for their turn to ask me about my inspiration or meaning of a piece of art. Again, I'd be in my black suit with the perfect hair, nails and shoes. Quite a difference from my attire when I'm creating the art the world is craving more of...

And the dishes are done. The history channel is blaring from the living room while at least three full volume radio's are playing everything from Hannah Montana to Marilyn Manson to Dusty Springfield, simultaneously. I dry my hands off on an over used dish towell and with my wet from doing the dishes t-shirt and sweat pants I get coffee for my husband & I and pretend to be engrossed in the History Channel.

I'm tired and can't wait until bedtime. It finally arrives and I hope to sleep. But I toss and turn. I think of each child and their struggles. Wishing I could heal, fix, mend, restore. Wishing I could make each one happy and productive. But I can't. So I pray. Then I think of my husband and wish I could give him the promotion he deserves. Wishing I could make the pain in his shoulder and feet go away. I pray again. I try to sleep, but there's just too much on my mind. I give in to the fact that I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. I sit up in bed, in the dark. Taking some time to massage my aching calves and feet, and engage once again in a few thoughts about that gallery show. Maybe a commissioned work or a big price tagged sale...

The thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the refridgerator opening. I listen and hear the sounds of cooking late nights snacks. A deep sigh - I'll wake in the morning to more dirty dishes to wash. I don't enjoy it so much anymore. I'm getting older and the kids are getting messier. And these days they stop by one by one to share their thoughts. I don't mind being there for them. I'm a mom. That's what I do and I'll continue to do so. I just miss having a little quiet time. And I long for creative time. I crave having a job. It's been 17 years since I've  seen my name on a paycheck. I sometimes look at my husbands and thing, "well his job may not appreciate him the way they should, but he has a job. And a check with his name on it."

To me a paycheck is much more than earning a living and paying bills. It's a validation of one's contribution to society and a written-in-the-books proof of one's productivity. As a homemaker I don't have those things. I'm not saying full-time moms and wives aren't productive. I know we are. Our days have no ending. And they have no validation.

I don't know about all you other moms out there, but I've arrived at this destination that is screaming for more. From a realistic stand point I'd like to:

1. Get some of my paintings in a local gallery

2. Have a part time job that didn't involve working with children or food

3. Get the funding needed for the children's art and cultural center I want to open.

Can I reach these goals? I'd like to shout, "Yes!" However, reality shouts to a different tune. I have one child who's between H.S. Graduation and finding a job. One who is home schooled, another who is ADHD & bipolar and one who has made a career of doing her very own hair and make-up. To top it off there's my husband who works so hard and takes a great amount of pride in the quality of his work. He also has a really difficult schedule. What little time we do have together is usually spent trying to figure out the kids. (I chuckle at that thought). I truly believe splitting atoms would be easier.

Until I return - Cherish those alone moments sitting on the toilet. They are precious.

I have a sinus headache. And the cat was unknowingly in my studio when I closed it up for the night, so he did his business in there. Nothing quite like sniffing that first thing in the morning. That being taken care of, I sat down to write some more on here. Then I got an email from my older daughter who's married and has a family.

There's this bond issue that will be voted on in November and if it passes her job is secure. If it doesn't pass the company she works for will have to lay off everyone but about 4 employees. So you can imagine she's very concerned about her future employment. The email had in the subject line: just a heads up and the first line of the letter was that they may be moving in with us after the elections. They just moved into a house they LOVE last month. I hope and pray things work out for them. But if the bond issue doesn't pass they are more than welcome to come here for as long as they need or want. They're an awesome family and I love everyone of them so much.

I tell ya, these are some very different times we're living in. Kids are starting to notice the little changes in finances creep in. It's a lesson in learning to take nothing for granted, to be thankful for what you have and stay close to family. We are doing a lot of planting these days - vegetable garden. And buying the staples: rice, flour, beans, sugar, etc. I'm not looking for another Great Depression...at least I sure hope things don't get that bad. But I do believe in being prepared for rough times. Prepping makes them not quite so rough.

Since the nations economy is so damaged right now I can't help but wonder how AIG managed the $86,000 hunting trip. "Excuse me Mr. AIG Man, but wasn't that our money that paid for that pointless trip? The retreat wasn't enough for you guys?"

We'll see what happens after we all get out next month and cast of vote. I've always said that picking a president was like picking out your cleanest dirty shirt.

Our son turned 18 recently so he gets to vote for the first time this year! I don't pressure people to vote for what I want. Even with my children I tell them this is America and it's their choice. I explain issues to them if they don't understand something. But the final choice is theirs to make.

On the home front today, it's been a fairly quet day. I spent the evening sanding small pieces of wood that I'll be using to make some jewlery. I sat in the livingroom holding the wood over a bowl to sand it, but it didn't help. I was covered in wood dust and so was the carpet. I'm so glad God created vacuum cleaners!

Until Tomorrow....

Think good thoughts and smile at someone

 Young People:

Three weeks ago our neighbors son was killed in a gang related fight. Now there's gang retaliation talks going on around town. So my kids are going to be on short apron strings until things calm down. That could be a while. Retaliation leads to retaliation. We are planning to move, but that won't be for about 6 months.

Concerning the death of our neighbors son, the two people my thoughts are with most are his father and grandmother. Both very nice people. I know they are hurting and it's a pain that no one can take away.

Older People:

Why aren't our current nation leaders making the bank CEO's more accountable for the money they got from us? Just wondering.

This is an important election year. I don't care one bit about the color of skin the man sitting in the oval office has. But I do believe that man should not have any personal ties to our foes. There's just too many questionable allies on that man's list. I've always been a democrat, but this time I will definitely be voting rebublican. And praying.

Our kids and our leaders need our prayers.