10:30 a.m., Saturday, Feb. 23, 2008: It's shaping up to be a pretty unproductive, if not crappy day. I woke up this morning with my head in a deep fog, and it was my own damn fault. To put it bluntly, I'm a bit hungover. Twenty years ago, I would have laughed it off. But because of the medications I'm taking to control my bipolar disorder, I'm under strict instructions from my doctor to abstain from drinking.

There are at least a couple of reasons for this:

• Many of the mood stabilizers, anti-depressants and anti-psychotic medications used for bipolars have the potential to cause drowsiness or dizziness. Alcohol increases the effect. That's not a good thing for a person whose sense of reality is already pretty skewed.
• In a manic state, bipolars are prone to participating in risky behaviors -- particularly drugs, alcohol or sex -- because of a lacking awareness of the consequences their actions will bring.

I follow my doctor's advice, most of the time. Typically I drink no more than once or twice a month, and no more than two on any single occasion. I'm not usually in pursuit of the buzz, it's just that like anyone else, I enjoy a cold beer or single-malt Scotch on the rocks from time to time. After coming home and playing soccer Friday night, I was hot, sweaty and a little achy;a beer sounded great. I wasn't disappointed. The beer really hit the spot, but I experienced something I hadn't in quite some time: that kind of buzz that you just want to keep going for hours and hours. True to form for a bipolar, I was totally oblivious to the potential consequences. Bring on the buzz. I got out some Jack Daniels that had been in the cupboard for a month or so and started taking shots. Man, did I enjoy the warmth of the liquor as it made its way down the hatch.

This isn't a story about how I drank so much I puked or blacked out. Neither of these things happened. I just exceeded my own limits, and consequently will spend much of today drained of energy. I don't feel like doing anything today. I'm not sure how I've managed these few words. I think this is about all I can do for today.

6:15 p.m., Sunday, Feb. 24, 2008

Earlier today, I wondered whether I should publish what I had started yesterday. But with a clearer head today, I reminded myself why I had decided to write about bipolar disorder. I think too much of what is written is cold and text-book-like. I believe that the best way to understand the illness is to understand how a bipolar lives life, and how a bipolar thinks.

My wife was asleep by the time I started drinking. When she learned about it Saturday morning, she simply asked: "Why did you do that?" I didn't have the answer, but the question rang through my head throughout the day. Not only did I wonder why I drank, but why I didn't stop sooner. Why was it that I hung onto that buzz so vigorously? As the morning continued, and my head slowly started to clear, I began to piece things together. The mainstay of a bipolar's pharmaceutical regimen is usually a mood stabilizer. I was actually taking two -- Neurontin and Trileptal -- until my last visit to the doctor, early this month. I actually had run out of Trileptal about 10 days before that last appointment and started noticing a clarity in my thinking and increased energy that hadn't been there for quite some time. The doctor decided to let me stay off of Trileptal on a trial basis.

A bipolar may not notice as symptoms start returning, but family and friends will. My wife sure did: "You've sure been sharp lately." "You're driving kind of funny (aggressively, she later explained). As a good bipolar is known to do, disagreed with her and told her I was fine. But eventually I noticed that I was speaking very fast and very loud. I started over-reacting to just about everything. By Friday, I became easily annoyed by the littlest of things.

Then Friday night came.

So, what did I learn? A couple of things.

First the obvious: I will listen to my doctor -- all of the time. That means no more drinking. While I was taking Trileptal, my mood was pretty well stabilized, and I was able to make good decisions. But in this state, I also fooled myself into believing that an occasional drink would do no harm.

Finally, if you're wife tells you you're being moody, don't argue. A successful treatment plan for bipolar includes many things, the most important of which is the support of a loving family.