Confession: I was once a very angry teenager, so I know a thing or two about adolescent anger management and the lack thereof. I played the funny guy a lot, but I wasn't any fun to be around most of the time. In fact, when I was around, everyone would get all nervous and tense like a live explosive had just walked into the room. And, really, that's what I was--a touchy temper bomb with a sensitive tripwire.

I'll bet you know teens like this; odds are, they sit in your classroom or call you "Mom". So, this topic of adolescent anger management probably hits home for you.

We all know teenagers who seem angry and frustrated and just mad at the world. And I know how disappointing and exhausting that can be for you as a parent or a teacher or a coach or mentor or a grandparent. But I want to talk about this whole issue of angry teens and anger management for two reasons.

First--and I'm speaking from experience here--there's a really simply principle that explains WHY so many teens have anger management issues. Brace yourself and grab a pen, because you're about to receive a Hey Josh Moment of Knowledge:

What you don't talk out, you act out.

Emotions--like anger--aren't bad; they're good and helpful and important to pay attention to. The problem arises when we don't pay attention to them, when we suppress them and fail to process them openly and don't talk about what's bothering us.

Talking about emotions can be especially difficult for teens and adolescents since they're just learning how to process complex emotions and often don't fully understand what they're feeling or why.

It's no secret that the teenage years are jam-packed with unique challenges--it's a perfect storm of hormones and developmental changes and social pressures and huge philosophical questions about identity and self-worth and values. And, a lot of times, teens are really confused and hurting. You know what I've found? Hurting people hurt other people.

When I was a teen, I believed I had every right to be angry--being abandoned by your parents as an infant and then getting shuffled around in the foster care system, abused, picked on, laughed at, and labeled as hopeless is as good an excuse as any. I really didn't know how to deal with my emotions, and I didn't feel I had anyone in my life I could trust to talk things out with. So, for me, the way I would often deal with things was by getting angry, and by taking it out on those around me. You've seen this happen yourself; it's where terms like "going postal" come from. Remember: what you don't talk out, you act out.

Second, the other reason I want to address the issue of adolescent anger management with you is this: most traditional, mainstream advice for dealing with adolescents and teens with anger issues is really, really bad advice.

Go run a search on Google for adolescent anger management and, aside from this article, what you're most likely to find is a lot of people telling you that, if this teenager in your life is very angry and you can't seem to get through to them, then you should ship them off--that you should send them to some sort of boot camp or boarding school or military school or a special home or something.

In 9 out of 10 cases, this is not the way to deal with anger management issues. Sending teens away when they become too much of a problem for you to handle sends a very negative message to the very kids you're trying to help. For me, when I was a teenager dealing with anger issues, any time someone sent me away or turned me over to the "experts" I just saw it as, "Oh, great. This adult's giving up on me." And frankly, it would just cause me to get more angry because I felt like, "Yep. That sort of proved my point. They don't really care about me." When, honestly, all I needed was someone willing to stick it out and invest time in me and show me how to deal with my emotions. I needed someone who loved me to talk to me.

Yes, dealing with angry teens is hard, but that doesn't give you the right to take the easy way out and wash your hands of what is ultimately your responsibility. Check this out: all that frustration and disappointment and exhaustion you feel trying to deal with this teen in your life--these feelings give you the PERFECT opportunity to show that teen how to process emotions openly and honestly and with maturity.

So, when it comes down to it, how do you help adolescents and teenagers manage their anger? How do you get a teenager to open up to you and talk things out instead of acting out? Here's my advice: show them. Talk about some things that have frustrated you and hurt you; share your mistakes, your weaknesses, your fears, and feelings of inadequacy and explain how you've dealt with them without resorting to angry outbursts. Admit you're not perfect, that you're still working things out, that it's a process. Because I find when you're vulnerable with a teenager, when you cough up your own problems and show your human side, they, in turn, will feel more comfortable opening up to you. And that's where it all begins.

// josh