Another Day In The Neighborhood
62
As you all know the past few weeks have been full of one disaster after another for momma and me. First we had the flood and this provided us both with a wide variety of entertainment and bonding time. I would not exactly call this time with momma quality time.. Let’s just say that all of her moles are now hairless and the backs of her legs and ass are without in-grown hairs. I almost enjoyed pulling the curled up hairs from momma’s butt more that plucking the hair from her moles. The floods have subsided for the meantime, but I promise you that we will not be caught off guard ever again! Momma is a real turd when she runs out of vodka!
Just as the last used condom and tampon applicator floated on back to the shit ponds out back, the weather began reporting an incoming blizzard. Now what in the Franco Harris did I do that was so wrong over the winter to deserve these hardships? I must be cursed…or somebody in the mobile home park is! What could I have done differently to curtail the plagues sent my way? Or for that matter what could the others have done differently?
Ever since that Toad guy moved in with his rug rats and dogs momma has had not one good thing to say about him.
“That son of a bitch is growing his own weed from the joint I sold him last July! You tell him I want my share or fifty dollars per seed!”>
Could it be that this thief is the cause of our trailer park troubles? Toad is a quiet guy and I never really saw much harm in the man at all. His wife is very nice, but not too bright. Mrs. Toad has toy parties every other weekend and has invited momma over several times. Now, I may be young at heart but I don’t think momma will be buying me toys any time soon. Come to think of it most of the ladies that attend Mrs. Toad’s parties are all divorced, grumpy and without kids. They must be buying toys for nieces and nephews. Seeing how Mrs. Toad and Toad are so involved with children and other than momma complaining I see no reason to blame the plagues on them!
Uncle Mike is still around, but I can’t really recall reason for his being to cause the gods of wrath any worry. Mike is an awesome animal lover and spends a lot of time with his horse Mabel. Sometimes Mike heads out to Mabel’s stable late at night and stays out there for hours at a time with her. Mike thinks that his love for Mabel goes unnoticed but I know that he loves that horse to death! I have brought up the fact at family ho downs, but Mike is so modest! He shushes me quickly, not wanting to be embarrassed in front of relatives as an animal lover with a soft heart!
So no one is to blame for the pestilence …wait I did catch a bad case of crabs from the lady in lot #32. Momma is never going to let me hear the end of that one! Come to find out I could have gotten the same case of crabs from Pete’s Pawn and Crab Emporium down town for less! That case of crabs was costly, but I can’t imagine that sin was enough to bring on the snows and floods here!
I have yet to see a golden calf erected at the entrance of the park. My placement of a number of obscene snowmen through the winter may constitute the “golden calf”. This would include a bloody massacre of the white beasts at the line of mail boxes that services the entire park. I also do not see that a snowman with an erect penis could possibly bring the disasters that we have seen here in the park! I was bored.
Bad Pictures Of The Dams
Let It Snow
The snow has blown in; momma and I are once again in very close quarters. The electricity is out and the candles are burning throughout the home. In any other situation I would call this a romantic setting. Especially if I were alone, well I am alone a lot if you calculate mommas passed out time, poop time and just plain old breakfast in a drunken stupor time. Right now I am watching the original “Rambo” with her. I love the movie but she keeps touching her danger zone. Repeating “I am so close, I am so close”. What the hell does that mean anyway?
Well I have to go shovel the snow off from our portion of the flood. I hope you all have a nice weekend. Momma’s in grown hairs are my personal demon, but the snow and floods, we all share.
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Comments
I posted this thenrealized I left out a paragraph...re posted and it didn't show up. I can take a hint when i aint wanted!!! LOL
lol!
LMAO Pest, never tire of hearing your heart warming tales of your momma.I think we shouls see a pic of her.I have many fantasies of what she is going to look like haha.
BP if you see pics of momma then you may think that is what I am like ... I swear I take better care of my boobs...i have most of my teeth...I swear to you!
Shit, shit, shit that was some fuckin' funny shit! I can't believe fuckin Texas distracted me from this! I'm fucking in tears!
I was in with you guys trying to break you all up!!! LOL!
haha I never had crabs what is it like Pest,do they have little claws like real crabs LMAO
I'll say Pest, I had a bit of a hard time getting past this: "I almost enjoyed pulling the curled up hairs from momma’s butt more that plucking the hair from her moles." but I'm glad I did, man, I'm in tears here! Those would be hysterical tears, mind you, just thought I'd clarify!
Pest, this is hilarious indeed. But after reading it I scrolled through the slide show and laughter was replaced by dread. So sorry it seems so many people are in such turmoil from this terrible 100 year flood and snow too. I surely hope you have a great holiday.
Oh, the next time you get crabs, just shave yerslf. End of varmints and lot's cheaper, need to be careful of the wee man tho'. thanks for a great hub
A lovely, delicate portrayal of current Americana. Real delicacy such as this is hard to fake. Exquisite.
Terrific Hub Pest!
Teresa's comment is almost as hilarious as this hub! ROTFLMAO on both counts!
You guys are too much, Great hub, I laughed way too much here!
Keep on Hubbing!
Pest
I've almost forgotten the lady in lot #32! Surely a hub about her is in order? I missed your twisted humour! wicked! :D
LOL I loved it! Sorry your snowed it, or rained in.
BP, yes they have little pinchy claws. I kept one ina shoe box for a pet, but he died only after a day or two.
Elena, thanks for reading once again. i can always count on you to stop by for the fun!
C.C. I have something to post that I think may cheer you up and remove the dread. I will find it then post it to my comments here.
Here is the observation:
Just a personal observation...as I watched the news coverage of the massive flooding in the Midwest with the levees about to break in Fargo , ND , what amazed me is not what we saw, but what we didn't see...
1. We don't see looting.
2. We don't see street violence.
3. We don't see people sitting on their rooftops waiting for the government to come and save them.
4. We don't see people waiting on the government to do anything.
5. We don't see Hollywood organizing benefits to raise money for people to rebuild.
6. We don't see people blaming President Obama. (Except for Don Marchant, post #30)
7. We don't see people ignoring evacuation orders.
8. We don't see people blaming a government conspiracy to blow up the levees as the reason some have not held.
9. We don't see the US Senators or the Governor of North Dakota crying on TV.
10. We don't see the Mayors of any of these cities complaining about the lack of state or federal response.
11. We don't see or hear reports of the police going around confiscating personal firearms so only the criminal will be armed.
12. We don't see gangs of people going around and randomly shooting at the rescue workers.
13. You don't see some leaders in this country blaming the bad behavior of the North Dakota flood victims on "society" (of course there is no wide spread reports of lawlessness to require excuses).
Hell Yeah!
That's funny!
I luv momma!
Actually raiderfan you are momma's type. Not the brightest bulb in the box. When the bulb is screwed in then it can shine. You know what I mean big fella?
I think GT has been floating around here lookin' to score with her though, just so you know.
toad said he was a virgin
Well if Toad is a virgin I will have to ask that he keeps his little immaculate conceptions off from my yard!
Love your observations about North Dakota!
Pest, I promised Bo 1964 to hook you up with her, better get her before RB does, he's hot on her buttons dude. go for it now!
More womans? Does she have all of her teeth? i mean it can be a complete set of dentures or a partial, just as long as her total collection of teeth equals all of them.
whatever. hehe
Happy Easter, I am throwing an egg through this PC........got it......now don't eat it all at once lol.x0x0x
The danger and destruction of ND and MN can cause for some interesting long shut-ins. I was stuck with a small group during a large snowstorm in Fargo many years back. The alcohol went real fast.
Thanks BP! Your Easter holiday is happening as i type tis. Hope the E bunny has been good to you this year.
jajajajajajaja
Perhaps you should have saved a few of momma's mole hairs, the ones in her butt, as a place to put your pet crab to graze a couple of times a day. I think you starved that crab to death - if the Crab Protection League get a wind of this hub you're gone.
BP it would have been better if the Bunny could have drug my ass to visit!!!! LOL! Turns out I have to sit in quarantine for three weeks before coming to your house.
Quarantine Pest do you mean for your crabs???? You have lost me looooool
To be sure that i am not too wild for you! >:)
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha
BP, you are a national treasure, so Australia needs to be sure that I don't contaminate you!
Awwwww u so sweet Pest ...is it not late there are you having an all nighter there.Or waiting up to catch a glimpse of Easter Bunny. I am off now until later so if I don't see you sweet dreams, I have been pretending to stalk u for last hour as I have never done it before hhaahahha night Pest(hugs)
Stalk as you wish...nite BP. I am off for the night as well.
Hiya Pest! Just checking in on the weather :D
Hey Cris
Hey you, what up C.?
coffee and a chat
You're chatting? Or you mean this? I just had coffee, but I think I fancy another cup :D
yeah, I guess, ain't awake yet
LOL you are probably still not right. Let the coffee work its magic. But hey we are chatting I guess :D
I'll be pissing for 2 hours now. haha the lasix, shit!
lasix and a pot of coffee. Nice combo there! I use to take lasix to "thin" down in the gym...I literally peed every ten minutes on the minute for an hour after taking it. Wow such stimulating conversation this morning! LOL!
Can you all believe that now my HubPages laptop took a dump? I can't get the damn thing to even turn on! That computer has all of my notes, drafts, pictures and images...Not to mention all of my nude pics...sorry ladies.
You have a laptop too? I thought people in those parts didn't have such fancy things.
aevans has been reading your hubs to me and I just love them I have never laughed so hard. thanks
Are you AEvans elkeene LMAO, I am a right on the mark detective
Yeah right....LOLOLOL
elkeene you are welcome and I am glad that you enjoy my misery as much as everyone else!
BP! My number one PI! Great to see you here!
R.B. thanks for stopping by...Or are you following someone?
You know how it is Pest.....I chase the ladies around and around....not that I don't love your hubs....you're da best. BP has been trying to guess my secret identity...I hope she's not disappointed to find out I'm Clark Kent.
Now that is a serious issue!!! Hairless moles they should be removed, lolololol I am not much of a Vodka drinker as it is to much on the liver, I am surprised that momma has had a kidney problem, but if that is the only thing to keep you warm well.lolololo :D
Hey Toad... Pest just got my laptop as a hand-me-down... the keys stick on the laptop from my kids spilling my lattes all over it but I was certain it'd be an upgrade for him. I knew he'd be ok with sticky keys since the PC he had was older than dirt and only half the keys worked on his keyboard because of his sticky adventures online... ;P Hell, I felt sorry for the guy!! He came into the laundromat once a month with his PC on his back!! I own the shop next door to the laundromat and was there washing my rags for the shop when I saw him first a few months back. Nice guy but alittle out there, ya know??
Bp, You are funny elkeene is my friend to the end, she is a real live person and a woman at that. I could never be a man , I couldn't imagine having anything hanging between my legs... mmmmm BP I think you are trying to take us off track are you R.BLUE???? lolololo You are an actress or actor..lololololol :D:D:DD:
We got flooded out once....my brother built a raft to try and get to town to see his girlfriend....he got about 20 yards out and sank(we laughed)....2 weeks later she sank him again by breaking up(we laughed harder!) then he got drafted.....We f***ing lost it! I love family!
Hope all is good Pest! :)
R.B. good luck at keeping secret...in the mean time don't be hogging all of the women! Thanks for stopping anyway!
Wow Tom! That is a hoot and a holler! I just broke a rib! LOL
I think R.B is a woman perpetrating a man..lololol well honestly I don't know I am going to have to check out their writing more. :D
Tish, If our son spilled Latte' on my laptop he would have been in some doggy doo-doo. lololol Interesting that the laptop worked after the latte' was spilled. I would of have used the keyboard that half worked, for fear of being shocked by the keys on the laptop. lololol , the other keyboard would be easy to clean.:D
AE....BP already tried that ploy....doesn't hold water. But thanks for playing :-)
I read AE comment as a Woman penetrating a man...Whew i need another drink!
R.B. Well I am certainly glad that oyou stood up for yourself , yes I believe you are a man now. :)
It's all fun and games untoil someone gets an eye poked out or it becomes boring and everyone goes home.
But we need to spray Pest with some of that peroxide stuff I read about on that other hub to kill his bad odour
shit, after reading all the good stuff, I forgot my own comment. but yeah, RB is a damn hawg. AE, it's great to be a 'swinger', really it is
I resemble that remark 2C's...but after all I am learning from a Pro.
Pest, you know why pubic hair is curly???
So it doesn't poke your eye out!! peace
Cindy...Why you trying to repel me?
C.C. Nothing about me "swings" just pokes or jabs and maybe even sags, but never swins.
mail returned. Did I mention I hate monday?
Everyday is a monday in my neighborhood. Maybe I should move you back to LA in my Hubs.
Pest..Pest...Pest. I am always complaining about the weather and that last year the winter lasted 10 months and the winds are always blowing a constant 45mph.
Here you hub shows snow and flood! That's terrible. Do you hate the snow?
RK, thanks for reading! I loathe the cold and snow. I spent four months in Panama...lived in Louisiana for six years...I would trade the crocs, alligators, snakes, spiders and what have you for this sh*t any day!
I'm unplugging now. Only checked in to address your comment for you hardly come by. Whelp (borrowed from you!) see ya whenever. And more poetry please ;D
Poems??? If that is what ou call them! LOL! see you later then! Have a good one.
I do believe you AE, my head was so screwed up the other day, trying to work out who was who, that my brain thoughts were in pieces. Honestly we really need to have a A1 chat site here, with microphones, sort men from the women once and for all LMAO.
How many would come mmmmm. AE I know u are all woman, and Pest you are all man, it just oozes out of you like honey.
Ah, the memories of Minnesota. I remember being cooped up with nothing to do except read and write. Didn't have quite the hilarious set of circumstances you did though, haha. Man that was tough to read at time, like Elena pointed out... but I'm glad I did. You're straight comedy.
BP...That aint "man" that ozzes out of me. :)
Benji...Well if you like the snow and ice then this is the place to be, but like you I stay cooped up all six months worth of winter...YUK! Thanks for the comments and for reading.
I was just dreaming of a white Easter...had my dreams fulfilled, too. Last year, I was dreaming of a white Fourth of July, but I missed that goal by a month...I had to put my insulated coveralls away in June. Sympathy, Pest.
johnb0127 says:
9 months ago
Another hilarious hub! I always get a good laugh when I read your hubs Pest. Thanks!
--John