Another Miley Cyrus Thing - SAAAY WHAT?

Dear Miley:

What a remarkable life you’re living! You’re a TV star and a movie starlet, you’ve co-written a book and are having outstanding success with a singing/song-writing career, pumping out hit and after hit and album after album. Hey, are you the second-coming of Madonna, or is she the forerunner of you? At any rate, I think your country contralto is better than her bleating voice. And Madonna's virginal strumpet act is so yesterday!

So keep your public image as it is. Since you don’t appear to be some giggly airhead, many people who don’t know much about you probably think you’re somewhat older. Not a bad career move, woman, because precocious young adults are always a kick. And what’s even more impressive is that you actually appear happy. You’re no bitchy, angst-ridden teenager who likes to scowl, narrow her eyes and play the vamp. For gosh sake, you even go to church and read the Bible every morning!

Just don’t be a prude. They’re such a bore!

Perhaps your greatest achievement to date is starring on the Disney Channel’s Hannah Montana. This program shows cute, teenage humor at its best. I just wish you didn’t use so many bodily function jokes - I get enough of that on South Park and other TV shows. Anyway, you and your sidekick, Lilly, played by Emily Osment, remind me of Lucy and Ethel, and that’s a compliment, because I Love Lucy is still one of the funniest shows on TV. Moreover, you seem to have Lucille Ball’s talent for making funny facial expressions. Stick with comedy, but try some drama too. Woody Allen is always bouncing back and forth to good effect.

Yes, Miley Ray Cyrus, you seem to have the wildcat by the tail, swinging that kitty in a circle and laughing as you do so.

But beware, for there are potential dangers ahead. I know. You see, in relation to you, I know what I’m talking about, because my father was born on a farm near Lawrenceburg, Tennessee. (He even picked cotton!) I’ve heard all of my pop’s Tennessee stories, as well as that of my grandfather, Henry. (Henry played the banjo, incidentally, and I play the guitar. It’s in the genes, maybe.) Plus I’m an old guy, with years and years of experience. Hey, I fought with Davy Crockett at the Alamo! Well, only in the movies playing inside my noggin.

Anyhow, you probably know that numerous teenage stars have come before you, and many of them haven’t kept their cool. Judy Garland started popping uppers and downers in her 20s, got all twisted around and died way before her time. Dana Plato of Different Strokes robbed a video store with a pellet gun and eventually committed suicide. As for the Disney clan, Lindsay Lohan has gotten busted for flying higher than a GPS satellite and eventually crashed to earth. Then there’s that teen pop idol, Britney Spears, who’s sown her share of wild oats. I’m not that innocent! Ya think?

Others have avoided jail, addiction, rehab and/or early death, of course. Jerry Mathers of Leave It to Beaver fame and Patty Duke of The Patty Duke Show didn’t implode after leaving childhood and went on to have successful show business careers. (The Beav has even played in a hard rock band!) I don’t know their secrets of coping with success as teen idols or whatever, but I suspect they had a fair amount of common sense and self-esteem.

Please don’t end up like kids who lost their way, Miley. And if you don’t wanna, this is how you do it: Listen to your equally famous father, that crooning buckaroo, Billy Ray Cyrus. He’s written so many country ballads such as “Achy Breaky Heart” that he ought to know the human condition inside and out, backwards and forwards. Your mom probably has her share of wisdom to impart as well, so pay attention to both. Always remember that your parents will be your greatest resource as long as they’re around, and perhaps beyond.

And keep in mind that the greatest female stars always act like ladies. There are plenty of skanks around, and if that’s their shtick, let them go for it! Regarding such matters, I know you’ve had some risqué photos taken of you, but they certainly seem acceptable by present standards at least. What the heck, have some fun and show your bare back, or wear a mini skirt that shows more drumstick than a typical night at Colonel Sanders - but no more! If you want to “step out,” play the loose wench in a movie, excluding nude scenes though, ya hear me now?

Hey, I understand. You don’t want people to think you're Pollyanna, another Disney character. It’s cool.

I also advise you to not get pregnant out of wedlock. Such behavior can be considered quite tacky for a teenager. If you need companionship, get a teddy bear (or if you already have one – get another), until you’re at least 18 or so. Then be the “mystery girl,” until you’re married, you know what I mean?

But the main thing to remember is that you should never grow up. Adults ruin their lives while kids just have fun. Adults get greedy, while kids just spend the cash and enjoy the experience for what it is. And adults do drugs; kids don’t need them to have fun. Kids fight, but adults start wars. Need anymore examples? At the very least, stay young at heart, because you won’t be able to stay young physically, will you? Even a billion dollars can’t change that. (Not yet anyway.)

Oh yeah, one more thing! As your fame and fortune grow, please don’t start thinking you’re better than anyone else. It’s only because of the luck of the draw that you’re who you are. After all, we can’t pick our parents, nor when or where we’re born, can we? You could have been born into a state of poverty and/or political repression or, at the very least, you may not have been near as pretty and talented as you are, so appreciate what you've got and stay grounded like most of us.

That’s about it for advice. Just keep your head screwed on right, as they say, and you just might amount to a hill of guitar picks.

Good luck, Miley!

P.S. I hope the label “Disney Diva” doesn’t seem patronizing. If you want me to change it, please leave a comment.

PP.SS. I liked Hannah Montana: The Movie. There weren’t any bodily function jokes! Hey, maybe I’ll dye my hair blonde and sing a song about making a Climb with Butterfly Wings – or something like that.

PPP.SSS. I read your book, Miles to Go. You remind me of Janis Joplin – the positive aspects, of course – everybody has some of those. Janis wore her heart on her shoulder and dared you to take it. As for Jesus, he is one impressively cool dude!

Please click on the link below and watch some of Miley's videos:

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=B392AFF56E0A0A37