A group of hamster researchers at a leading Southeastern University have recently announced that Hamster Power could be the wave of the future to serve the nation’s energy needs.

Henry Waxaman stunned Congress today when he told its members that a team of researchers has proven conclusively that in controlled laboratory tests hamsters could generate more electrical energy than uranium. “I am excited,” Waxman is quoted as saying. “Hamsters may well be the antidote to global warming.”

The hamster researches are being funded by money from the Federal Stimulus Bill. Researchers assured PETA that no money is used directly to stimulate the hamsters. The furry little animals only generate electrical power when they wish to hop on their wheels.

Although former VP Dick Cheney is anti hamster power, leaders of the Republican party are examining the hamster issue now.

They see pros and cons and are waiting to see what their colleagues across the aisle think so they can take the opposite point of view and make an issue of it to divert the attention of the voters from more important issues.

The White House is strangely quiet on the topic. There is much conjecture the president’s children who own two hamsters named Harry R and Nancy P are pressuring their father to rally the White House to be against Hamster Power.

While the debate goes on T Boone Pickens the Oklahoma energy tycoon is moving his money from wind power to hamster power.

According to Pickens “There are too many people like the Kennedys who don’t want giant windmills ruining their views.

However, we can build a crappy looking cheap construction building to house 20 or 30 million hamsters and nobody will notice it in most urban areas.

Besides, having the source of electrical power in the urban areas instead of Texas means we don’t have to build power grids.

According to the leader of the hamster research team, "A hamster will generate more electricity while the animal is running in a wheel than a comparable mass of uranium will generate when placed on the same type of hamster wheel"

The researcher explains that as the hamsters run on their wheels they act as power, much like water or wind acts as power to rotate a turbine and generate electricity. Meanwhile, despite the fact uranium equal in mass to that of a hamster was placed in a similar wheel, the uranium could not propel the wheel and generate electrical current.

The research team claims claims they repeated this experiment a number of times with the same results.They all agree in that  “We have definitely left the coal age, and with hamster power will skip over the nuclear age. “

When asked what he thought about the scientific breakthrough, former VP, global warming alarmist and Nobel Prize recipient Al Gore said, “I invented the hamster wheel. That was just a short time after I invented the wheel.”

But the multi-talented Gore who has one of the largest carbon footprints of any private citizen did not stop there.

Mr. Gore also claims to have invented  hamsters.

Critics of hamster power claim the nocturnal habits of the hamsters mean they will only generate electricity when electricity is least needed and be sleeping during the day time when peak power is required.

However, Dr. Rodent’s team has shown this potential dilemma can be resolved as easily as flipping a light switch. They say by keeping the hamster power station dark during the day will bring the little guys to their wheels, and simply by turning the lights on at night the nocturnal creatures will go to their resting places.

Proponents of Hamster Power also point out that hamsters, unlike wind are dependable power sources. The wind may or may not blow. If the wind doesn’t blow there is no electricity.

Harry Reid, the Democratic Senate Majority Leader is for Hamster Power. “According to Reid it makes a lot more sense disposing of hamster droppings in a mulch recycling center than it does disposing nuclear waste in his home state of Nevada.

However, animal activists are critical of the harm to hamsters that generating electrical power may cause to individual animals as well as the species.

According to an anonymous speaker of the organization PAHE, People Against Hamster Exploitation, the only thing worse than using hamsters to generate electricity is slavery. PAHE (pronounced pa he.) claims that hamsters should not be exploited. They were meant to be mishandled and mistreated by little children, not packed into power generating wheels to provide power for the people.

Questions do remain regarding what do do with hamster waste, and also the bodies of the furry little rodents who only live two years or so.

A green gardening supply company is currently testing the potency of Hamster waste as a fertilzier. It is mixing hamster waste with dirt and marketing it in ten pound bags under the name Hamster Power for The Plants! It seems the product is only adequate as a fertilizer but is a big success among those who wish to save the planet.

The pelts from hamsters that have died of old age may be used for trim on clothes, replacing the dog and cat fur that has aroused the ire of animal activists.

The parka hood shown to the right is fringed with hamster. Those who have worn the product claim that there is nothing like hamster fur to shield your face against the icy blasts of winter.

There are rumors that interested parties are negotiating with a Pacific Rim company that  claims research has shown that there is a market for frozen hamster in many parts of Asia. According to the source hamsters are just the right size for dipping into sauces with chop sticks.

By all signs things should look rosy for Hamster power. It is clean, economical, electric power. However NIMBY obstructionists (not in my backyard) have already started lawsuits that would ban the use of or building of hamster electrical power centers.

Some of the fears voiced by NIMBY obstructionists are:

· Natural catastrophes such as hurricanes or earthquakes damaging hamster power facilities and unleashing tens of thousands of the furry rodents on nearby communities.

· Other NIMBYs fear that greedy corporations will not remove waste and there will become a hamster waste problem.