Are You A Douche? Read This and Find Out.

For a long time, my hubby Mike and I didn't have a whole lot of "couple" friends. Being the more social one, I would introduce him to my friends, and their husbands, in an attempt to remedy the situation.

With our front door barely closed behind them after they would leave, Mike would start shaking his head.

"Nope. Husband's a douche."

I let this go several times. It wasn't that I disagreed; he was right.  What bugged me was that I couldn't quite put my finger on why these guys fit that category.

After close scrutiny and several awkward evenings spent with couples not making the cut, I have come up with some douchiness indicators.

If these apply to you, please fix yourself immediately. No one wants to spend more time with a douche than is necessary.

If these apply to your boyfriend/husband, you need to re-evaluate your relationship and realize that that vinegar smell is probably emanating from your partner. If you want more friends, ditch Mr. Massengill.

 Douche (noun):

1. Person, usually male, who is rude, crass, insensitive and/or generally difficult to be around.  Largely concentrated in North America, but populations also noted in South America, Asia, and almost all of Europe. 

i.e. "No one wanted to be around her husband; the guy was a real douche."

See Also: Douche Nozzle, Douche Bag

So, what are the signs that you or someone close to you may be a douche? Here are some indicators:

1. Chauvanism. This one is a dead giveaway. In fact, it can be stated that every single male chauvanist is, without doubt, a major douche. One or two chauvanistic comments lands a person in this category. Be wary of this.
2. Machismo. Often accompanied by chauvanism, machismo is a sure sign of douchiness. Puffing up of the chest and over-confidence are indicators of machismo.
3. Vanity/Conceit. The biggest douches always think they are so much better than those around them. They are vain and self-centered, to a person. They love to talk, but mostly about themselves, their belongings, and their achievements. Beware.
4. Sulkiness/Withdrawn Behavior/Moodiness. This is tricky, because sometimes people are simply introverts, and this can be take for sulkiness/brooding behavior. The fact is, if you are out with other people, you need to make an effort to engage in conversation, or risk being seen as stand-offish and withdrawn. If this is too much for you, stay home.
5. General Rudeness. This is broad, but important. Failure to adequately tip restaurant servers; unnecessary mean remarks to others, and failure to use basic manners such as holding open a door or saying please or thank you all fall under the category "General Rudeness." Douches are usually also pretty rude.

This is simple. If the above character traits sounded really familiar to you, chances are you're a douche. Here is an easy way to check:

2-3 traits sound familiar? You're definitely a douche. Repent now, while there is still time.

4 traits sound familiar? You're a douche bag. This is the next level of douchiness, and chances are you probably don't care what people think, anyway, so why should you bother trying to change?

5 traits sound familiar? You're a douche nozzle. This is the worst case scenario. You already knew you were a douche before you even read this article. Furthermore, you think I'm a dumb bitch with no idea what I'm talking about, though you would sleep with me if you could. You would then tell all of your friends about it, immediately. You would probably also whip out your phone and snap photos during the act. I hope you get hit by a beer truck.