Ask the Adulteress 4

To be in love is to be involved in one of the greatest of human experiences. That wild roller-coaster ride, those fabulous feelings of need and want and desire - what could be better? Chances are you felt just this way when fate directed you to your current spouse. In the beginning at least, you probably felt that you'd never, ever want to leave, that this person must truly be the culmination of your search and that you'd never feel this way about anyone again.

Were that the case however, there'd be a lot fewer multiple marriages, and fewer affairs too. The reality is that, while infatuation for a new person can hit at any time, you only get one shot per person. In other words, once the romantic love stage of your relationship or marriage is over, you'll never be able to rekindle it again with the same lover or spouse to the same degree. The only way to get those marvelous feelings back full-force is through another relationship.

Question:

I had an affair that was really instense for about a year and a half. This guy I was seeing told me he loved my more than any woman (including his wife), he told me he would cry when he said his wedding vows to me. I was not someone on the side to him. He told me his first two marriages were out of obligation, because one became handicapped and the other he got pregnant. He said his marriage to me would be out of total commitment, that he would finally marry someone for love and desire and not because he had to.

Well, my husband moved out and I filed for divorce. My lover said he tried to leave his wife and she threatened to take the child back to their hometown and live. I was told that he would not be "the man that I fell in love with if he couldn't see his daughter on a regular basis".

Now he seems to have turned over a new leaf, accepted God in his heart and said he realized he was in love with his wife after all. So I search for reason why he did this.

I talk myself in believing that he is a psychopath (he did have a bad childhood, he was molested and abused, so he says). How could he go from loving me more than any one to not loving me at all.

I feel so stupid for being vulnerable... he knew all the right things to say. But I feel like I need some closure. I've left him alone and have not tried to contact him out of respect for his new -found walk with Christ. But I am dying inside. I know I had no business being with him to begin with, but how do I get over this? I feel like he totally turned his back on me after all the promises to take care of me and love me. He lifted me so high just to drop me and watch me fall. When his wife found out he ran like a whipped puppy. When my husband found out I sucked it up and my husband left. I feel like he betrayed me. I suppose it was better me than his wife. I was the logical choice?????

Answer:

It's a sad reality that men will say just about anything, and fly any sort of flag necessary like old-time pirates, to get sex, and you've discovered this to your obvious chagrin. Sometimes they actually believe what they're saying when they say it, but for the most part, when it comes to "I'll leave my wife" and "I'll leave my child and my house for your 1-bedroom condo," the rule about politicians applies here too: when their lips are moving, they're lying.

And that also applies by the way to the concept of "getting right with God," "I've decided to re-commit to my marriage," and anything else they might say to justify their behavior.

You needed to see the proverbial "whites of their eyes" - in this case, the actual divorce decree - before making the sort of drastic move that you made in getting a divorce. Now you're free, and he has no intention of being free, and probably never did.

This is not to be critical - plenty of people have made the exact moves you made in the hopes of finding some long-deferred happiness and love. The problem is that most guys - not all, but most - are simply not going to chuck their lives, kids, homes and 1/2 their incomes to be with "the other woman." What seems like a titanic and meaningful relationship to you, was likely to this guy nothing but a detour on the marital highway. He's driven off, and left you stranded without even a how-de-doo for your trouble.

Your best bet is leave this guy to God (whom I sure has specific and none too pleasant plans for him eventually) and go about trying to create a new life for yourself. If you were willing to divorce your husband, then that relationship was likely not working all that well in any event. Use your new freedom to think about the choices you've made in the past, and how you're going to choose differently in the future.

The Adulteress

Question:

Ok, so I've done it. I don't talk about it with anyone but my "lover" (for lack of a better word), because that's how I'll get caught. I love my husband-honestly. I have also become quite close to the "other". He is someone I work with daily, and it started when I made a weekly habit of going out for "one" after work. It was really quite innocent. I own my own company, and it gets stressful at times.I was just trying to unwind with some friends. It happened sort of unexpectedly.

There were many drinks involved. I didn't fight it a bit. I was surprised as to how easy it was. I am comfortable with this person. It is now a day to day personal joke between us and when we make plans to go out after work, it always ends up the same. I enjoy him. He's a lot of fun. I also enjoy my husband. I certainly don't want to hurt him or destroy my marriage.

How long can this possibly go on??? My husband has already been suspicious of him. I may be in over my head. What are your thoughts?

Answer:

The sad thing about most affairs is that ultimately they start with the seeds of their own destruction already sewn. As you're discovering, it's difficult to keep things under wraps. The fact that your husband is suspicious means that, in some subtle way, your behavior or attitude has changed, and he's picked up on it. Once this kind of thing is on the radar, your husband will find himself even more attuned to it, and that means trouble.

For a variety of reasons it's never a good idea to have an affair within your work or social circle. You work with this guy, and at some point awkwardness may ensue - the kind that you'll have to endure every day when you see him. That's one of the reasons it's just not such a great plan. You're uncomfortable, other people pick up on the discomfort, rumors start and there you go.

You're not so much "in over your head" as looking for a way out. Since you love your husband, and he's suspicious of what you're doing, you've got a choice to make -- continue on in with this particular affair which is likely going nowhere, or break it off, take a breather, unconsciously calm your husband's concerns, and choose your next affair partner somewhat farther afield.

The question you need to ask is, "Is it worth losing my husband over this?" If the answer is no, then your next step is clear. As I say in THE 50-MILE RULE, the successful affair is the undiscovered affair. Once you're on your spouse's radar, the jig is up, because those kinds of suspicions don't just go away. Sad but true - if you want to keep your marriage intact, your best bet is to end your affair and keep a low profile at home for the foreseeable future.

The Adulteress

Question:

My bf and I have been together for 2 and a half year. When i first met him, he had broken up with his ex for about a month, and we got introduced by one of our friends and we clicked right away and started going out after 2 months. Everything seem to be fine, until i went away for the first time when a family member passed away (i had to fly out of the country),

i found out that he chilled with his ex while i was gone. I have talked to him about this before that i would get upset about him and his ex chilling as i felt that his ex still wants him back. So then after everything was all right, and he didn't see her or anything.

2yrs later, i decided to go to school oversea and we both agree that that would be best so thati can find a better job after. We even got a set of custom made matching rings to show that we have a strong commitment . I had doubts , so i asked him before i left to see if he wants to end it since it would be very difficult and he insisted that he wants to continue on .

However, ONE MONTH after i left, I found out that he has been chilling with his ex AGAIN and SLEPT with HER !!! I confronted him, he still continue to lie to me that he didn't sleep with her until i said i would call his ex up and ask hermyself.and i lured him to tell the truth by telling him that if he wants another chance with me, he has to clear everything up by confessing everything he has lied to me from before. I was so hurt as i never thought he would cheat on me.

It' s been 2 months since he cheated (he said he only cheated once) and he told me he would change. It's difficult for me to know if he's really is changing since i'm oversea right now. But he does seem to be more resposnible and wanting to talk to me all the time (before he wouldn't pick up my calls, now he calls me couple times a day) and even started to pick up my mother language as well (since i have always wanted him to learn my mother lang.) He even started looking for a job over here so that he could move over here to be with me.

I dont know if he's really changing , i mean i asked him why he cheated, and he said he was pretty much upset that we fought and he wanted to get laid and his ex was right there.. blah .. easy target (However, he told his ex that it was over between us when he was chillin with her, and he talked negativiely of me in front of her). I'm so hurt ,

it's been2 months. I can't seem to forget about it , i try to , but as soon as i think about him touching another woman especially when i have told him not to see his ex anymore, it makes me fustrated. i'm not sure how to handle it anymore, i have been restless for 2 months now. I can't function properly.

I want to give him a chance, but how do i deal with getting over it and not always bringing that incident back in our conversations? How would i know he is really changing? Are there tips to see if a man is really changed?

Answer:

You two are not married. You are a long ways apart. To think that this guy is going to be faithful to you under these circumstances is ridiculous and a mark of immaturity.Both of you are free agents, but only he realizes it. My suggestion to you would be to cut the guy loose and start dating yourself. If, when you come back to wherever he is, you two decide to try again, that's something else. But to expect fidelity at a distance when there is no tie between you but matching rings is dumb. Get over it!

The Adulteress

Question:

I am not proud of this fact at all but to be honest here I will tell you that several years ago my old High School sweetheart and I had an affair.

Both of us were married with children at the time (he just had one younger child-mine were older.) We remet after decades apart, neither of us planned for it to happen but this extremely intense emotional and physical affair started and lasted.

Long story short-after a few years (and at one point him asking me do you want to set a year to be married?) this man decided it was all too much for him (with the help of his therapist) and that we needed to literally go COLD TURKEY to end it.

He told me he tried but couldn't- yet he did just that. I was completely devastated of course... he felt it was for "the best" that he and I would go back to our marriages and he could give his his best shot for the sake of his then young son so in his words "at least I could say I tried." (Everything was about his son-I know men say things like they have to stay for the child-but in this mans case he meant it..he wanted to wait till his son was at least middle school or High School age if he was to make a move.)

By the way I am sure his son is middle school age now.

Anyway, in the 3 years since it ended we really have not spoken-except for one day -probably all of 2 minutes when I got through to him and he said "I just can't."

And that leads me to this year.

Well this man and I were invited to our HS reunion coming up in just a few months. It's interesting that while we were in the affair we even talked about going to this particular event-funny how he and I thought we'd be a true couple by then but of course now, that is far from reality.

I had purchased a ticket months ago and am attending with an old girlfriend of mine (my husband doesn't care to go) but the shocker is I found out last week that this man IS attending and attending ALONE.

I don't know what to make of this.

He told me literally as I said we had to go cold turkey and acted as if he would never see or speak to me again. He seemed to have kept his promise but now...now I know he will be at this even where I am and that I will finally see him.

I am sure he knows there is that 99 percent chance I will be going.

We had mutual friends in HS too so I am sure we will speak. So I guess I am wondering-do you think this man will be dropping this cold turkey? Maybe wanting something more from me?I am happy to see him yet nervous because I don't know what to expect. I just want to go regardless and have a good time.

Also I should say it is odd he's going alone-his wife was a very distrustful person and I am sure she knows he did have a HS sweetheart..so again I don't know how this will turn out there.

What do you feel? Deep in my heart to be honest I would like to have him back in my life, say just at least to wish a Happy Birthday to or Holiday wish, hear about his child perhaps or other news.

We were best friends on top of everything..well guess I'd like to hear your thoughts now. This feels to be an awkward situation to say the least. You know, I wish at the very least he'd call prior to let me know something..anything of his being there.

Answer:

People attend their reunions for all sorts of reasons, just like they break off affairs for all sorts of reasons. You cannot assume, no matter how much you'd like to, that this guy still cares about you in the same way, or cares about you at all.

His decision to break off cold turkey could have been due to all sorts of factors. His wife could have gotten suspicious, it might have been taking time from his son, or he might simply have gotten bored with the situation, or frightened of discovery, and decided to call things off before he got found out. Who knows?

Frankly, if he had genuine interest in rekindling his relationship with you, he would have done so before this (yes, it's certainly possible that he has maintained a smoldering love for you ever since he was "compelled" to let you go, but chances are, he's gotten over it - otherwise, he would have communicated with you before this.) Maybe he just assumes that you're going to stay away from the reunion due to the discomfort of the situation, or that you've gotten over him too. Without talking to him (and maybe even then, since many guys are incapable of giving an honest answer to such questions) it's hard to know what his motivation is.

Go to your reunion and have fun, and see what shakes out. But understand that there's a good chance that you WON'T be rekindling what you had before, whether or not that's your fervent desire. He holds the whip hand here and clearly,as the saying goes, he's just not that into you. If he was, you'd know it.

The Adulteress

Question:

I do not even know where to begin to explain my situation. Here goes.About 6 months ago I ran across my ex while reviewing college websites and decided to drop him a line to say hi. We have not seen or spoken to each other in about 15 years.During the time we spent apart it was barely a day that went by where I did not think about him and what had become of him. We 1st started emailing each other about twice a week then we started emailing each other daiy. He became my little support system because I'm going through a trying time in my marriage where the marriage has reach the point of ending.

We have gone though the catching up and remembering the past and how we felt and still feel about each other. The problem is that he is married but I really do not care beacause having this man back in my life is something that I have wanted for a long time now. I have seen him once since we have been emailing each other but the meeting was only brief 20 min and we where not alone.

We are planning spending a weekend together in about a month.I need to make sure that this man remains in my life.He has suggested that once my divorce is over that I move to the state where he lives and I have been considering that. He has offered to help me in every way possible. I feel he cares a great deal about me but I do not want to have to share him he doesn't mention his wife at all to me. I have asked a few questions and he has answered them but not in details. So I really do not know if he is happy in his marriage.(They share a child).

What should I do to secure my relationship with this man ? I have never loved a man as much as I have loved him and I do not want to lose him again.I would loved to have this man as my husband one day and just do not know what to do.

Answer:

I can relate to this situation in a big way. There is someone in my life who keeps resurfacing just when I need him and yet remarried after we first met, and has no plans to get a divorce.

So I have a good sense of what you are going through here, and also feel pretty comfortable telling you that you're about to embark on a road that is just as likely to end in frustration as it is in happiness.

You may feel that "I need to make sure this man remains in my life," but you have no idea whether or not he honestly feels the same way about you. And having you move to the same state could be as much a request made for his convenience, so he doesn't need to bother finding someone else on the side, as it is because he genuinely cares about you and wants you in his life. Sometimes it's hard to tell that there's a distinction there, but there is.

The fact that he has a child with his wife is likely a deal-killer so far as an expanded relationship with you is concerned. Certainly there are guys willing to walk away from those responsibilities, but others aren't, and while that is no doubt best from the point of view of the child, it doesn't make what you are going through any easier.

Adding to the frustration is the fact that just because this guy says he's unhappy at home, which may or may not be true, it doesn't mean that he's going to trip over himself to start a genuine relationship with you. Whether or not you wish to acknowledge his wife, she exists, and she's not you.

Which is all a way of saying that you cannot get your expectations about what may happen built up too high. If the opportunity arises to have sex with the guy hey, go for it. If a relationship ensues, enjoy it for what it's worth (and read my book THE 50-MILE RULE for tips on keeping it safe, fun and secret.)

But always be aware that somewhere down the road this guy is overwhelmingly likely to break your heart. Enter into the relationship with that understanding, and you'll probably be OK. Enter into it with unreasonable expectations of some sort of miraculous finish, and you'll most likely get stomped for sure. Think through what you're opening yourself up for BEFORE starting the relationship, and make sure that you can handle it whichever way it goes.

The Adulteress

Question:

I am a very nice looking woman, I'm 37. I have been married to TM for 19 years. We have been together 23 years. I caught him cheating twice that I know of. Now after 6 years I caught him trying to do it again. I just started exercising since I had my baby girl 17 mths ago.I lost 30 pounds. I feel great! I look great and a lot of men tell me so. Back to TM, he never compliments me. He's insecure, gets jealous and starts acting like he wants to cheat on me. He says things like "who are you losing weight for? Your new man?" No matter how much I do for him as a good wife, he still tries to cheat. I am unhappy. Should I teach him a lesson by cheating on him? Or should I keep being a good Christian wife. I love him but he has to learn a lesson.

Answer:

Why does your husband try to cheat everyone once in while? In part because you've been together since you were 14. When people hook up at that kind of young age, they have little chance for experimentation or looking around at other options.Then, down the road, long after the infatuation stage has worn off and they're well into the disillusion phase of the relationship, they begin to wonder what they have been missing.

Your obligation is to your daughter (and to having no more kids with a guy whose loyalty to you is in question.) Whatever you do should be with her welfare in mind. Having an affair to get back at TM might certainly be satisfying, but how tempted would you be to let him know what you are up to? Probably very, since letting him know is the point,which means you'll tell him, which means that you'll create even more problems in a very shaky relationship.

The question you need to address is whether your relationship is even worth saving. That's something that only you and your husband can decide. But chances are good that the guy isn't going to change, no matter how much weight you lose (you can't turn back time, after all.) You have to decide how much of his extracurricular behavior you can live with. If you've reached the point of no return, then you need to act accordingly.

The Adulteress

Question:

My husband is in the Navy and we have 2 beautiful children. I am very young, I am 22 he will be 22 in a few days, we were high school love birds. Just 2 days ago I found out that he's been seeing someone on the ship for 4 months. Now, due to close quarters he says they haven't slept together, he says though, if he wanted to that they would have.

The way that I found out about her is i went into his e-mail account to make sure that he got something that I had sent him. Then there were all these letters from this girl. So, I found them confronted him and I asked him, do you really love her? or do you just think that you do??

Him and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. Now, I don't work and he isn't ranked so high in the Navy so our pay isn't so great. We make it but not as good if i were working. I tried to work and for day care and the fact that my job was in another city, I just wasn't saving any money. So, it was actually hurting me to work. Before I didn't want to work b/c I wanted to raise my babies from infants. They are 1 and 2 now. So I didn't feel bad about working. Actually I loved working, but I just coudln't continue to.

So anyways, he says he fell for her b/c she is independent. He told me, I asked him I said if you really truly fell in love with this girl, I'm sorry I can't get passed that b/c you replaced me, and I can't live with that. He said, when I tell her I love her, I can't look her in the eye. What does that mean?? So anyways he's about to be deployed with this girl for 7 months, I am going back home and I'm gonna prove to him that I can do it on my own. I can take care of the kids and myself and everything else. He said that's all he wants.

So, I still love him, but I'm just really scared of getting hurt again. He says he's gonna tell her he can't be with her b/c it's not right. I guess I just have to trust him while he's out. How can I though? He cheated on me!! As I said, if he would have really slept with her, there is no way that I could ever be with him again. He says he's sorry and it was a mistake and he cried when we talked about it. He says he wants his family and he wants me to be his wife,not his 3rd child. So, what should I do? Let me know thanks.

Answer:

Military service is one of the greatest "stressors" a marriage can face. Your husband is under great stress in close quarters (and while there is plenty to be said about women on ships - and why they shouldn't be there - here is not the place for that discussion.) He's young and there's someone available and there you are.

The fact of the matter is that the two of you got married too young and had kids too early. Now you are in a bad situation that is difficult to manage from long-distance. The question is where you go from here.

Your primary concern needs to be your children and you clearly understand that. Children need two parents, preferably the ones who brought them into the world. To just walk away from this relationship could be doing them a great disservice, especially given the particulars of this situation. Your husband's "cheating" if he is indeed sleeping around, is likely more situational than it is anything else. To view it as anything more than that is overkill.

I have a friend who was in the Navy for twenty years. His wife's philosophy about long deployments was, "Just don't bring home anything you can't wash off." They're still together and have raised responsible kids. Personally, I think his wife has the right idea in this situation. Does it work for everyone? No. But affairs often tend to be detours off the matrimonial highway. And when you're 22 and off on a long deployment, it's hard to live off of e-mails and the occasional phone call. Give the guy a break.

You may find that once he's home, the separation and your age and lack of maturity have doomed your relationship anyway. That's certainly possible, but it doesn't HAVE to be that way.

I don't know what the female equivilent of the term "man up" is - maybe I will have to coin it - but my advice is to stop getting your knickers in a twist over nothing, take care of your kids, work if you have to, support your husband as best you can emotionally, and deal with whatever has to be dealt with when he's home and can give a more realistic appraisal of his behavior and your future together. Does his behavior hurt? Sure. But sometimes it's best to just chalk things like this up to experience and get on with your life without obsessing over things you aren't in a position to control.

The Adulteress