From Mis-Behvior to Great Behavior, Find Out How, Using Attachment and Positive Parenting

Attachment parenting, a phrase coined by pediatrician William Sears, it is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of the attachment theory in developmental psychology.

Dear Parent,

Congratulations! Seeking out this information says A LOT about who you are as a person and who you are as a parent. I know that you want something different and something better for yourself and your family. Know that you have taken a step in the right direction to becoming a better parent.

In Practicing Attachment Style Parenting:

* You and your child will become significantly closer

* Your child will trust you and want to share things with you

* Your child's emotional and intellectual intelligence will increase

* You will feel less pressure and more confident in your parenting skills

* You will feel less pressure to be and "do" more

* Many behavioral patterns such as bed wetting and waking up at night will fall away

* Your child will be more resilient to face later peer pressures and negative influences

In implementing Attachment Parenting Principles I can't even begin to describe the changes you will notice in your child and in yourself. And I am so happy to be able to share this with you. This information has been a blessing in my life and I know it will be the same for you!

What is Attachment Parenting?

How long ago did Attachment Parenting start?

Who invented it?

If you would like to find out the answers to these questions and more stay tuned...

Sincerely,

Ashley

This one has always been top of my list but I never put a name on it until my sister Lily brought it up. Thank you Lily!!! As a parent It's CRITICAL to get adequate rest or else we can become a:

* Irritable mom, dad ,parent..

* Irate mom, dad, parent..

* Crazy mom, dad, parent..

* Snappy mom, dad, parent..

* Over emotional mom, dad, parent..

* Depressed mom, dad, parent..

* Sluggish mom, dad, parent.

* Exhausted mom, dad, parent.

And a host of other disasterous behaviors. So do yourself AND your family a favor by getting enough sleep.

This is part 2 of a 10 part series, you can read the previous post : Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #1 Get Enough Sleep! Here.

Let's face it, life's short. Yet we don't always feel that way, we seem to think our time is limitless. Not to be morbid parents, but 2 out of 3 people get Cancer in their lifetime. So.......stop thinking you have all the time in the world and enjoy your children as much as possible. To help with this and get more one on one time with your child, hire someone to help out around the house (if you can afford it).

They don't have to do EVERYTHING. I like to get someone once a week or every two weeks for the deeper cleaning, things I don't like to do. That will relieve you of some of the pressures of being SUPER MOM, AND it will give you more relaxed time with your child.

Also, if you have a friend or relative (mom) that dotes on you by coming over and cleaning your house or cooking...Let them.

Everyone likes to give, so learn to be an excellent receiver.

Many parents feel they can't afford help, when the possibility is there. If you spend $200/month on clothes or eating out, take half and get a cleaner. Shop around. Avoid cleaning companies which have to take a large cut for overhead. It's well worth it!!!

Parenting is a tough job and positive parenting and attachment parenting are even more difficult. Because of all the demands of good full attention and loving connection. So do yourself, your family and your child a favor and get help wherever possible.

This is part 3 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post : Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #2 Get some help, here.

# 3 in being a better parent: Get some help!

Many parents over look this. Myself included. For years, I had NO life. Then I realised that myself and everyone else was much happier when I had friends and went out and did things. So, do yourself and your family a favor and go out and get some girlfriends and do some classes.

Meetup.com is a great place to meet people or parents in your area with similar interests. Here are some suggestions of things you can do and meet cool people at the same time:

Pottery Yoga Salsa and ballroom dancing Adult Jazz, Ballet or Hip Hop Women's groups Book clubs Nature clubs Fitness classes Knitting and crocheting classes

You could even get a part time job working a few hours a week doing somthing you enjoy and just for you. Again, parenting is a tough job that requires rejuvenation. And if you practice attachment parenting or positive parenting its even more demanding at times. Your kids and spouse will thank you!!

This is part 4 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post : Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #3 Get a life here.

Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #4 Talk to a friend....

Its critical to have someone to talk to about your feelings and stresses of being a parent. It makes a world of difference!!!

Research shows that parents who do this regularily have significantly less stress than parents that don't. Attachment parenting and positive parenting require lots of focus and attention. So you need to get some attention yourself. A way that you can do this is by trading "listening time" with a trusted friend. Otherwise known as "co-councelling,"

This is a free and effective way to offload intense feelings that arise from being a parent. You can find out more about this on the re-evaluation councelling website.

Re-evaluation Counseling (co-councelling) is a process whereby people of all ages and of all backgrounds can learn how to exchange effective help with each other in order to free themselves from the effects of past distress experiences.

Re-evaluation Counseling theory provides a model of what a human being can be like in the area of his/her interaction with other human beings and his/her environment. The theory assumes that everyone is born with tremendous intellectual potential, natural zest, and lovingness, but that these qualities have become blocked and obscured in adults as the result of accumulated distress experiences (fear, hurt, loss, pain, anger, embarrassment, etc.) which begin early in our lives.

Any young person would recover from such distress spontaneously by use of the natural process of emotional discharge (crying, trembling, raging, laughing, etc.). However, this natural process is usually interfered with by well-meaning people ("Don't cry," "Be a big boy," etc.) who erroneously equate the emotional discharge (the healing of the hurt) with the hurt itself.

When adequate emotional discharge can take place, the person is freed from the rigid pattern of behavior and feeling left by the hurt. The basic loving, cooperative, intelligent, and zestful nature is then free to operate. Such a person will tend to be more effective in looking out for his or her own interests and the interests of others, and will be more capable of acting successfully against injustice.

In recovering and using the natural discharge process, two people take turns counseling and being counseled. The one acting as the counselor listens, draws the other out and permits, encourages, and assists emotional discharge. The one acting as client talks and discharges and re-evaluates. With experience and increased confidence and trust in each other, the process works better and better. (taken from the website),

The biggest difference in my own parenting comes from having my feelings listened to. If I had to chose 1 thing out of the 10 to better myself as a parent this one would be it.

Its important when you trade time with another friend or parent that you just listen to each other, you don't interject and say anything. There needs to be room for feelings and crying, to discharge the intensity of the heavy demand of parenting. So find a friend or parent that is comfortable with crying. If you have any questions about this process email me or check out the websites above.

Hugs,

Ashley

This is part 5 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post : Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #4 Talk to a friend here.

At least once a week you need to have a day or night where you can spend a few uninterupped hours by yourself. To read, take a bath, whatever. As a parent, you need and deserve this time. So ask your partner, family member or hire a babysitter. To locate a babysitter in your area online try one of these: Kijiji, Craigslilst, Care babysitting finder. Or just Google "babysitting and nanny service."

After spending these few hours by yourself you will feel refreshed and restored, and better able to be a GREAT parent. Don't take my word for it, try it for yourself.

This is part 6 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post, Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #5 Spend Time Alone, Here.

Everyone needs to have passion for something! Whether its a hobby or career, there needs to be some degree of passion in your life. Many, many people go through life with zero passion, and it shows. But you don't have to be one of those people. The art of finding ones passion isn't always easy, but its a numbers game. So try a few different things and you will know when you hit on something you love. When you do find something you love keep doing it!!!

Having a passion and joy for something will automatically transfer to your home and to your family. It will seep into every cranny and nook of your life, making things more magical and beautiful than ever before!

I know as a mom its often difficult to find the time to do the things you love. But this one is a must for anyone that wants to live a fulfilled life. And parents beware: don't feel guilty if your children and family aren't your sole passion. They don't have to be, moms and dads can have many, many passions.

What's yours?

If you need help finding your passion, I would recommend reading The Passion Test or visiting Inspiration Point, finding your passion and doing any of the programs available there.

Good luck!

Ashley

Later in the 1970's a very courageous woman named Jean Liedloff, an American writer, published her now cult classic "The Continuum Concept". Jean spent two and a half years deep in the South American jungle with Stone Age Indians. On her journey Jean observed many interesting things happening in South America regarding parenting and child rearing that wasn't happening back home in the U.K. She observed that children of all ages took care of one another and played together contentedly. There were no tantrums, arguing and fighting. Whining or terrible two's seemed non-existent. The children seemed to listen to their parents and played for hours unsupervised.

"Far from being disciplined or suppressed into compliant behavior, these little angels are relaxed and cheerful. And they grow up to be happy, confident, cooperative adults!"

http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosInControl.html

Out of her research Jean created the Continuum Concept.

According to Jean Liedloff, the Continuum Concept is the idea that in order to achieve optimal physical, mental and emotional development, human beings - especially babies - require the kind of experience to which our species adapted during the long process of our evolution. For an infant, these include such experiences as...

* constant physical contact with his mother (or another familiar caregiver as needed) from birth;

* sleeping in his parents' bed, in constant physical contact, until he leaves of his own volition (often about two years);

* breastfeeding "on cue" - nursing in response to his own body's signals;

* being constantly carried in arms or otherwise in contact with someone, usually his mother, and allowed to observe (or nurse, or sleep) while the person carrying him goes about his or her business - until the infant begins creeping, then crawling on his own impulse, usually at six to eight months;

* having caregivers immediately respond to his signals (squirming, crying, etc.), without judgment, displeasure, or invalidation of his needs, yet showing no undue concern nor making him the constant center of attention;

* sensing (and fulfilling) his elders' expectations that he is innately social and cooperative and has strong self-preservation instincts, and that he is welcome and worthy.

Jeans book The Continuum Concept became wildly popular and brought into the western hemisphere the concept of "child wearing", slings, baby carriers, co-sleeping, breast feeding on cue, etc.

At the time this book was hugely controversial and not well accepted in some circles as you can imagine. Though it changed to course of parenting...

Later on, in the 80's Dr.William Sears wrote the book Creative Parenting: How to Use the New Continuum Concept to Raise Children Successfully from Birth Through Adolescence. Now of course what I am about to say can't be proven but his works were obviously based on Jean Liedloffs work. While writing his books he coined the term Attachment Parenting yet the idea was developed long before his work. Here is the basic concept of Dr.Sears Attachment Parenting:

Dr. Sears Eight principles of Attachment Parenting

Per Dr. Sears' theory of attachment parenting (AP), proponents such as the API attempt to foster a secure bond with their children by promoting eight principles which are identified as goals for parents to strive for. These eight principles are:

1. Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting 2. Feed with Love and Respect 3. Respond with Sensitivity 4. Use Nurturing Touch 5. Engage in Nighttime Parenting 6. Provide Consistent Loving Care 7. Practice Positive Discipline 8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

These values are interpreted in a variety of ways across the movement. Many attachment parents also choose to live a natural family living (NFL) lifestyle, such as natural childbirth, home birth, stay-at-home parenting, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing homeschooling, unschooling, the anti-circumcision movement, the anti-vaccination movement, natural health, cooperative movements, and support of organic food.

However, Dr. Sears does not require a parent to strictly follow any set of rules, instead encouraging parents to be creative in responding to their child's needs. Attachment parenting, outside the guise of Dr. Sears, focuses on responses that support secure attachments.

For more details on this see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting.

To Summarize, the Attachment Theory was developed by John Bowlby working with Mary Ainsworth, and the studies of Harry Harlow's monkeys greatly contributed at the same time.

A short while later Jean went out into the research field and brought back many findings from South America. Bringing the Continuum Concept to the Western world which was later coined Attachment Parenting by William Sears.

From here many people have taken the basic info and used it to their liking, adjusting here and there. Now days the term Attachment Parenting does take on many different meanings. So when I hear it, I don't think of only Dr.Sears but the many people that initiated this life changing parenting style.

Tomorrow I will talk about my own take on AP.

Sincerely,

Ashley

Attachment Parenting is a very Broad term. For simplicity's sake, I will begin with the FACTS and bare bones as to how Attachment Parenting started.

The original concept of Attachment Parenting was formally introduced in 1958 by John Bowlby in a publication of two papers "the Nature of the Child's Tie to his Mother", in which the concepts of "attachment" were introduced. This was the Attachment Theory and not yet coined Attachment Parenting.

John Bowlby devoted extensive research to the concept of attachment, describing it as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings". Bowlby discussed that early experiences in childhood have an important influence on development and behavior later in life. Early attachment styles are established in childhood through the infant/caregiver relationship.

Bowlby believed that there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:

1. Proximity Maintenance - The desire to be near the people we are attached to. 2. Safe Haven - Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat. 3. Secure Base - The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment. 4. Separation Distress - Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

Alongside Bowlby was Mary Ainsworth who did her own Attachment Theory work and greatly contributed to Bowlby's work. You can read more about their fascinating studies and lives: http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/online/inge_origins.pdf (I found this Bio very interesting).

Around the same time Harry Harlow did research and scientific study on infant rhesus monkeys (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Harlow). Below is an excerpt from: http://www.uoregon.edu/~adoption/studies/HarlowMLE.htm that explains his work far better than I can:

The Science of Love

How did Harlow go about constructing his science of love? He separated infant monkeys from their mothers a few hours after birth, then arranged for the young animals to be "raised" by two kinds of surrogate monkey mother machines, both equipped to dispense milk. One mother was made out of bare wire mesh. The other was a wire mother covered with soft terry cloth. Harlow's first observation was that monkeys who had a choice of mothers spent far more time clinging to the terry cloth surrogates, even when their physical nourishment came from bottles mounted on the bare wire mothers. This suggested that infant love was no simple response to the satisfaction of physiological needs. Attachment was not primarily about hunger or thirst. It could not be reduced to nursing.

Then Harlow modified his experiment and made a second important observation. When he separated the infants into two groups and gave them no choice between the two types of mothers, all the monkeys drank equal amounts and grew physically at the same rate. But the similarities ended there. Monkeys who had soft, tactile contact with their terry cloth mothers behaved quite differently than monkeys whose mothers were made out of cold, hard wire. Harlow hypothesized that members of the first group benefited from a psychological resource-emotional attachment-unavailable to members of the second. By providing reassurance and security to infants, cuddling kept normal development on track.

What exactly did Harlow see that convinced him emotional attachment made a decisive developmental difference? When the experimental subjects were frightened by strange, loud objects, such as teddy bears beating drums, monkeys raised by terry cloth surrogates made bodily contact with their mothers, rubbed against them, and eventually calmed down. Harlow theorized that they used their mothers as a "psychological base of operations," allowing them to remain playful and inquisitive after the initial fright had subsided. In contrast, monkeys raised by wire mesh surrogates did not retreat to their mothers when scared. Instead, they threw themselves on the floor, clutched themselves, rocked back and forth, and screamed in terror. These activities closely resembled the behaviors of autistic and deprived children frequently observed in institutions as well as the pathological behavior of adults confined to mental institutions, Harlow noted. The awesome power of attachment and loss over mental health and illness could hardly have been performed more dramatically.

Though Harry didn't coin any terms, he contributed significantly to the Attachment Theorem.

This is Part One of The Origins of Attachment Parenting REVEALED!

Stay tuned for Part Two tomorrow and discover who really started Attachment Parenting...

Warmly,

Ashley

When a child is angry it is a good assumption that there are extremely painful feelings underneath. When your child is hurt anger is used as a defense mechanism and a way to cope with painful feelings inside. As adults it is often difficult to acknowledge our child's anger, because if we do we would have to acknowledge our child's pain and sadness as well. With that acknowledgment comes a lot of guilt, so it is easier to accept anger as it is than actually deal with it.

Important Point:

Anger is a defensive mechanism and a coping strategy to cope with very painful feelings. Underneath anger is sadness and pain. When your small child is angry it is because there is pain underneath.

When children are talked to harshly, left alone too much or try to process things that are above their understanding they become frightened. If these incidents occur time and time again children build up mechanisms to cope with these intense situations. Every child processes things differently and one way to process these painful fears is by using anger. Here are some other examples of sources of stress in children that cause fear which may lead to outward anger and aggression:

• Overstimulation in the environment (loud music)
• Events that children cannot understand (arguing, yelling)
• Physical hurts
• Talking harshly
• Separation from care giver
• Neglect or being ignored
• Authoritarian discipline
• Unrealistic or high expectations of the child
• Exposure to violence
• Developmental frustrations
• Major life changes
• Attention that is conditional on child's behavior
• Lack of stimulation
• Not sensitively responding to needs
• Lack of physical closeness and contact

The stresses above create fear in children that may lead to aggression. It is important to note that every child responds to stress differently. While one child may lash out from stress and fear another may become "shy" and withdrawn. Because a child is "shy" or withdrawn does not mean that the child doesn't have emotional issues. But in our society "shy" is considered more acceptable and anger isn't so it's dealt with differently.

Many stresses are unavoidable such as developmental milestones or overstimulation in the environment. If you have construction going on next door and it is intense and disturbing for your child, well you don't have much choice in the matter do you? Therefore it is impossible to have a child that is always going to be stress free. But many stresses can be prevented, and these stresses are not always obvious to us adults because we are used to them.

We don't realize there are many things we do that cause stress for our children. For example playing an adult T.V. program with our child in the room. Saying "no" loudly. Talking with another adult about stressful events in front of the child. The problem is that we don't see these things as stressful because we are so used to them. Here are some other examples of things we may not consider stressful but in fact may be very stressful for our young ones:

• Forcefully making our child get dressed
• Getting our child eat more dinner when they are full
• Telling our child that we don't like it when they are sad or mad
• Saying "no" loudly
• Leaving our child to cry in a room by themselves
• Time outs
• Telling our child that they should be happy when they don't feel happy
• Hard to understand T.V. and movie programs
• Rushing from one lesson or activity to the next, a fast paced lifestyle that does not suit our child
• Video games, movies, action packed everything!

Important Point:

Stressors that seem normal to us are in fact may be very stressful for our children.

Children deal with stress in different ways, some become extroverted about it with aggression and others internalize it by becoming withdrawn.

Stay tuned for part 2 when I discuss how to stop aggression at the roots...

Warmly,

Ashley Ryan

As a parent interested in growth it's important to acknowledge the fact that certain ideas we have, or certain parenting techniques we employ may not be optimal for our child's growth. These ideas may feel ok and right at the time, but this is because society accepts them as right and therefor makes it ok. And when others make it ok, we feel ok about it. This has been demonstrated throughout history, when the slave trade was accepted and when women were non-citizens. Those situations were ok because people made them ok, and many didn't question if the ideas behind these approaches were correct.

If you think about the concept behind yelling or punishing a child when they don't have enough information, It doesn't make a lot of sense. Then why do people continue to do it one may ask? Good question. One that will be answered shortly...

Many people feel the pressure more publicly than in their private lives. For example disciplining our children in public is encouraged and there is pressure from those around us to keep our children "in line". Many parents wouldn't talk to their children the same way in public as they do at home. Sometimes we parent or even live our lives in certain ways because we feel pressured to do so. And oftentimes we parent in ways which were taught to us, and we really don't have choice in the matter.

The definition of choice in the dictionary: 1. The act of choosing; selection. 2. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option.

It is important to see that we never really have had the choice to parent in one way or another. We were never given the option of doing things a different way. We practice what learned without question. So please don't think for a minute that you had a choice about parenting up to this point because you haven't. You are doing what your parents have done with you, and at the same time rebelling against what they were doing. Doesn't make much sense does it?

By acknowledging the possibility that we did not have a choice we are on the road to becoming a better parent. In order to change something, it needs to be put into light and perspective. Please take a look right now at just the POSSIBILITY that what you are doing may not be the most effective way to parent. Science has actually proven that the ways in which we have raised our children in the last decade is not the healthiest and most effective way possible. Here are just a few points, I will add more scientific resources to add to this: · It has been proven that children raised with authoritarian discipline have lower IQ scores and are unhealthier emotionally, especially later on in life. Authoritarian as in harsh tones, yelling, ruling with an iron fist. · Children that were raised in homes with lots of love and affection do better than their peers later on in life. · Adults that were raised in homes with one or more parents who used encouragement were more financially and emotionally successful as adults.

The bottom line is that in starting a journey to heal our child's hurts we need to look at our parenting practices more carefully....

Warmly,

Ashley

After spending many hours searching for age appropriate T.V. shows, I've narrowed it down to five excellent shows. These shows not only entertain but NURTURE and promote positive, healthy development in your toddler.

Though I have to confess, my rating system is picky and most shows don't make it through my screening. But, I'd rather err on the side of caution than expose my toddler to concepts that are inappropriate.

Lucky for your child the shows listed below focus on the positive and have little manipulation and negative talk. They PROMOTE self esteem instead of decreasing it. So every time you plop your little one in front of the tube you can feel GUILT free, and know that your child is learning something valuable.

This is part one of a 5 part series, to see part two, Parent Series: Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, #1 Dora the Explorer, click here.