My daughter was 14 years old in this picture before death claimed her at age 29... and as time ticks by, I realize that losing a daughter never becomes a 'little thing'.

As beautiful as she was then, she grew to be movie star gorgeous as she approached her early twenties. Kasey was a bit rough around the edges, yet very charming in personality: Sometimes, maybe a bit too charming.

"Charming people live up to the very edge of their charm, and behave as outrageously as the world lets them."
Logan Pearsall Smith
1865-1946, Anglo-American Essayist, Aphorist

The quotation is accurate as it applies to my daughter. She lived life on her set terms and she let you know in no uncertain way that's just the way she was going to compete in the game of life.

November 5, 2008

I was working that day and had just finished lunch. I drove back to my office when, about 1:30, I heard the office manager say a phone caller was on hold. I answered and instantly recognized the voice of my Aunt.

"James, (pause) James I need to tell you something."

Sensing something was wrong, I thought maybe a family member or friend was sick or had been in an accident... I definitely heard no extreme anxiousness but I did notice she was taking her time making the point.

Then, as quickly as you could say 'Kasey Michelle', my Aunt followed with these exact words. "James, Kasey is dead."

I quickly muttered the obligatory, "what?", (a reaction giving time to make sure I heard those horrific words correctly.)

Seconds later she said, "She's gone, baby."

The Little Things

At this juncture I could take a 100 different directions with this Hub.

I could describe how devasted I felt, or I could describe the wonderful words the pastor used at my daughter's funeral and I could even describe the beauty of watching Kasey grow from infant to adult.

ALL those things happened, but you already knew that, didn't you?

How do I know?

Because we parents assume these precious lives; gifts who give us so many 'little opportunities' to nurture, provide for and love, are going to be here forever: Or, they will live long enough, at the very least, to be there for our funerals--not the opposite.

'Little things' like:

• Kasey's first "my-unasked-for" hug accompanied with, "I love you Daddy"
• Her first step
• Her first day at school
• Her first date

All of these things and thousands more.

I DID say 1,000s... bracketing to tens of thousands as time marches on. The 'little things' like "Daddy will you read to me?", "Daddy, will you take us to the mall?" or "Daddy, I love you!"

Now, a year later, knowing I will NEVER experience one more 'little thing' with my beautiful daughter is more cruel than most anything else I can associate with her untimely death.

1. I'll never know if she would have turned her confused life around to be free of the demons seemingly always torturing her spirit.
2. I'll never know if she would have met Mr. Right, settled down and lived happily ever after.
3. I'll never know one more 'little thing' about my daughter.

4. But, worst of all, I'll never be able to call her to just say one 'little sentence', "I love you Kasey."

A Year Ago Yesterday

Kasey died one year ago yesterday, November 5, 2009, and I remembered this beautiful child's life. I smiled as I recalled some of the precious things we shared when she was very young. But I mainly cried... a lot.

And the tears had a mind of their own--I had no control of my emotional steadiness as I would on a normal day.

God, it was such a painful thing, but I noticed my thinking was ALWAYS directed at the good times we shared, and there were many of them.

I loved Kasey with no strings attached. She was young, beautiful, rebellious, spiritual and had more friends than I ever realized (evidenced by the 100's of kids present at her funeral.) 

Did I ever get angry and did we argue? You can bet the farm on that one; of course we did.

I was a child when "Leave it to Beaver" was popular and I always wondered, 'do families actually interact this way? Ward never shouted; June was ALWAYS sympathetic to the boys... on and on it went.' 

Nah! I discovered the foolishness in that belief when first, Kasey, then my son, Ryan, came into my life. I sometimes wonder why the word "perfection" was invented because it does not exist. It's especially absent within a family setting, and yet despite the usual family upsets, we did the best we could.

Bottom line is: I miss my daughter.

I would pay any price to have her call and greet me in her own, familiar and sweet way... "Hey Dad, what's up?" Hearing that beautiful voice over the phone ALWAYS made me feel better; always lifted my mood.

But that sweet, vivacious voice is now forever silenced and THAT, dear reader, will never be 'a little thing'.