Australian Rules Football

This Hub is politically incorrect.

It suggests that the word "football" may be used to refer to something other than dozens of pea-brained giants in body armor hurling themselves together in split-second contests of grunt, punctuated by long periods of standing around doing nothing with the clock stopped.

This travesty (I mean impressive spectacle, of course) is properly known as "American Football", and it bears the same relationship to real football that American English has to real English.

But I'm not going to talk about real football, either. Real football is the game where you have to move the BALL with your FOOT. Not your hands. Hence the name - foot .... ball.

I am going to talk about Australian Rules Football in this Hub.

Why?

Because it's the sexiest form of football. Even taking David Beckham into consideration.

The object of Aussie Rules is to put the ball between the posts.

There is no crossbar, so the ball can go through the posts at ground level, or a mile in the sky, doesn't matter.

Ball between posts is worth six points.

There are extra posts at each side, so you can get points for a near miss. Putting the ball between a real post and an extra post, on either side, is worth one point. Australia is nothing if not a fair nation, and we reward people for trying hard and nearly getting there.

You are not allowed to run with the ball, in the same way as basketballers are not allowed to run with the ball.

But you re also not allowed to PASS the ball, which makes for some fun.

What you have to do is punch the ball out out of one hand, using the other hand. Players get very good at doing this weird thing and actually hitting a team-mate in the chest.

Unlike that other strange game, rugby, where you move the ball forwards by throwing it backwards, in Aussie Rules you are actually allowed to send the ball towards your goal using this weird-ass hand movement.

And, of course, you are allowed to kick it. Hence the "foot" in the name.

All the spectacular aerial manoevres are about the kicks. If you catch one on the full, the opposition has to move back, leave you alone, and allow you to do whatever you like with the ball. This called "taking a mark".

There are lots more rules, and you can find them in the links below, but those are the main ones.

It is played on a really, really big field. Actually, it's played on the whole field, however big the field is, and as a cricketing nation Australia is full of really, really big fields.

There are 18 players on each team, and they sort of get lost in all the space. If you go to watch a game live, bring binoculars!

Well, did you look at the photos?

Ok, seriously now. There are a number of reasons.

For starters, there is no smacking together of meaty rows of attackers and defenders. This means that muscle bulk and having no neck are not the primary indicators of a player likely to survive the season. Players don't have to be built like trucks to make the team.

On the contrary, the players all have to run a long way in every game, so they have to be fit, have good strength, but not be carrying any unnecessary bulk. This adds up to one gorgeous thing - muscle definition.

A lot of the game is played in the air, which means players are usually quite tall, again producing a long, lean line. Very nice.

It is a game of strategy, rather than brute force, which means your average Aussie Rules player can actually hold a conversation. OK, they are not like the lawyers and such who play first-grade Rugby Union, but most of them have a few brain cells to rub together, and that's attractive.

And the higher level the game, the shorter the uniform shorts seem to be. Always a good thing.

And, if I need to present any more evidence at this point, let me just direct your attention to James Hird.

Unfortunately this video is not on YouTube, so you will have to follow the link to watch it. But it's worth it to meet this gorgeous football player.

So, there you have it - Australian Rules Football. The sexiest football code in the world.