Awkward! Introducing Your Sweetie to Your Ex

If there's a social situation more awkward than introducing someone you're dating (and, presumably, sleeping with) to someone you used to date (and, presumably, slept with), I don't know what it is! I was at an event once where I ran into no less than nine people I'd gone out with. Fortunately a) I wasn't dating anyone new at the time and b) it was a big event.

If possible, prepare your current sweetie in advance for the possibility that the two of you may run into an ex of yours, especially if the two of you frequent restaurants, clubs, or other events that were also popular with you and your ex. Warn him or her that you might run into So-and-so someday. An advance warning gives the two of you time to plan what you're going to do and how you're going to do it. Assuming you were dumped badly by this ex, it also gives your boyfriend or girlfriend a chance to work through enough of his or her righteous anger at your former partner that you may all survive the chance encounter without someone getting punched in the face!

For example, I would feel comfortable introducing my husband Alex to my first husband David. They know about each other, and there's a pretty good chance that they might meet someday. It would be a little weird, but we're all adults and David and I divorced almost twenty years ago, so no worries.

On the other hand, there is no way I could ever introduce Alex to my second husband Vincent. Let's just say Alex has "issues" about Vincent's physical and emotionally abusive treatment of me. So it's probably a good thing I live a couple thousand miles away from where Vincent lives, and have no plans to visit the area in the near future! If you do have an abusive relationship in your past, you should consider avoiding places and gatherings where your ex is likely to be. You don't need to confront your abuser in what used to be "territory" that belonged to you and your ex, but your current sweetie may have a dim view of how you were treated by this person and feel compelled to act on it. I don't blame Alex for feeling the way he does, and you shouldn't blame your boyfriend or girlfriend either!

So assuming you aren't introducing your abusive ex and your non-abusive current, what's the best way to handle the situation? First of all, there's no reason not to be polite. In fact, the nicer and more charming you can manage to be during the encounter, the more it will dig under your ex's skin - and it will definitely send the message that you are ovah him or her (whether you really are or not)!

Don't even try to pretend that your sweetie doesn't know who your ex is, at least by name and/or reputation. It so won't work. On the other hand, you shouldn't verbally remind your boyfriend or girlfriend of your ex's shortcomings, or why you broke up. Sentences like, "Alex, this is Richard. You know, the one who dumped me for an accordion-playing dominatrix" (true story), do not fall under the banner of polite, nice, or charming.

It's also a good idea to allow your sweetie and your ex the chance to exchange a few polite, meaningless sentences, and maybe even shake hands. On the other hand, there's no reason to spend the rest of the evening standing there talking! After a few minutes, say, "Nice to see you again," say goodbye, and walk away.

You must wait until you are out of sight and out of hearing range before you burst into tears, or burst into mutual giggles, or say anything at all - even if your ex acted like a real ass. For one thing, it allows you to maintain a moral high ground, and it also goes back to being - remember these? - polite, nice, and charming.

Alex maintains a casual e-mail relationship with someone I once dated - in fact, Erik is the one who introduced us! My husband never fails to insert subtle digs into his emails about how happy we are, because even though Erik and I broke up almost seventeen years ago, he still acted very possessive and jealous until his own wedding in 2003. Besides, Erik's life - for all that he has an obscene amount of money - is pretty miserable compared to ours.

My father taught me that "living well is the best revenge" about the time he taught me how to ride a bike. Keep that philosophy in mind when you run into your ex, and you'll be fine.