(Drum rolllll !! 21 guns [point them up] please !!!).

Okay, I'm back.

There's something about writing, once you get on it, you can't stop, I will probably be insomniated again tonight (do I see the linguists rotfl ?). Whatever.

But...... Bohol.

Oh Bohol.

I hope Bol-anons are not narrowly "nationalistic", you know what I'm saying ?

I mean, like, "who the hell you think you are writing about Bohol when you ain't no true-blue kaliwat ni Dagohoy" and stuff like that, you know what I'm saying ?

No ?

Okay

The part where I lost you means "descendant of Dagohoy", where Dagohoy is Francisco Dagohoy, the island province's hero, and also a national hero, who fought against the Spaniards (the Philippines was under Spain for 300 years or more) and, no, he didn't fight for 300 years, just a few decades, and compared to the other revolutionaries, he held out longer.

There.

Are we back in touch ?

Good.

Now, what are the "things to do in Bohol when you're not dead" ? (please, Mr. Andy Garcia, my apologies).

Well, for starters, you can sashay over to the Chocolate Hills (picture somewhere on your computer screen) from your lodging or hotel room, or you can go direct to Chocolate Hills from the pier and check in to the lodging right there so you wake up to a nice cup of coffee and a sunrise view of the hills.

The chocolate hills is a natural limestone formation of hills, about a thousand or more of them,, that look like overturned, perfectly shaped kettle bottoms from a distance, grass coverings turning to brown because of lack of precipitation in the summer months (May to August), thus, voila: chocolatehills !

Now, actually there are a lot of geological theories on why these hills are such, all the fuss stemming from the fact that these are the ONLY hills in ANY country, bar none, that are for the most part perfectly cone-shaped, in such numbers.

The hills are spread out over an area so wide it encompasses four municipios (municipalities, counties for those in the US of A), and if I am wrong about that, that's what I get for writing about Bohol while not a true, blue, red-blooded "kaliwat ni Dagohoy", and for you late starters who like to read down to up, scroll up a little bit to find out what that phrase means.

Now, just a few miles up or down the road, depending on where you're at, you're going to find a sanctuary.

No this is not the sanctuary found in every heart that my favorite atheist sang about.

It is a true, blue, out of heart, but from a loving heart, sanctuary for hizzoner, Mr. (or Ms. or Mrs.) Tarsier Monkey (picture on your computer screen somewhere).

According to Wikipedia.org, Tarsiers are haplorrhine primates of the genus Tarsius, a monotypic genus in the family Tarsiidae, which is itself the lone extant family within the infraorder Tarsiiformes.

Heck, I don't know what that means.

I'm as lost as you are.

All I know is that Mr. or Ms or Mrs. Tarsiers is a small monkey that can fit in your hand like your cellphone or digital camera, (or worse, your credit card) and they say that when kept in captivity in a cage he or she dies of a literal broken heart and if you want to find out if that is fact or fiction you'll have to ask the guy in charge of the sanctuary.

That's it ?

That's all we can do in Bohol when we're not dead ?

Hell, no.

You've got the perennial beaches, miles and miles of them, with corals that can rival any coral reef in the world you know of. Go online and type in Bohol beach resorts, and take your pick from them.

I know of a really good one, but I ain't tellin' nobody 'bout it unless the owner promises me some commissions for plugging them in.

Hey, that's life in this fallen world, we need money.

What, you don't need money ?

Lol.

Anyway, here's a couple more things and we're done.

If you get there late April hang around for the fiestas my man.

Just make sure your body and bowels don't mind grease cause some of them food are loaded with grease, folks, and I'm being upfront with ya'll, y'know what I'm sayin' ?

I ain't puttin' nobody down, just being honest because that's the way we Filipinos like our food, and you Occidentals may not be used to it.

Fiesta time and you've been seen around town, hey, you can go knock on any door and they all gon' let you in man. I mean, be polite and all just like you'd be anywhere, you know ?

Hospitality in action.

Okay.

So now let's go (drum roll again please, no 21 guns, ya'll almost hit me last time)....

DOLPHIN AND WHALE WATCHING !!!

Hey, it's the month of May, my man.

You just been to the chocolatehills, shook the hand of Mr/Ms/Mrs Tarsier Monkey, knocked on the doors of complete strangers during fiesta, gotten your lbm under control, and you're back in the capital, Tagbilaran City.

Hop in to that contraption they call the Tricycle or Jeepney (picture on the web somewhere), and tell the driver to take you, your lovely companion, and himself (of course), to Panglao Island, where you're going to hop in to a pump boat (an outrigger), and chug-chug-chug off to Pamilacan Island, and find the guy you called who will take you on your dolphins and whale watching fun.

Now, dolphins, they're always there, but the whales, they only come in to say hi in May.

Leastways, that's what I know , and I may be wrong, but hey, google that one.

As far as I can tell you'll see sperm whales, Bryde's whales and a few more species of whales.

Oh, by the way, the dolphins ?

Yeah, they're always there, but hey man, ya ain' gon' find 'em after 8 a.m., sharp, so better be there before then, in your lifejacket, WITH your camcorder or camera because man you don't wanna miss that time of your life, you want that event in your camera or camcorder, you know what I'm saying ?

I mean, how often can a man be right smack in the middle of schools of dolphins shooting up in the air and diving and spinning and all that stuff catching their schools' meal for the day and how often can you chug-chug-chug in your outrigger close enough to  whales and hear them blow off that water ?

Trust me.

You WANT those scenes in your camera or cam to tell your grandchildren by the fireside your stories someday.

Okay.

So now we're back to Tagbilaran City, adrenalin is slowing down, we're leaving in a few more days, let's settle down to a less hectic pace, shall we ?

For now, we're going to have some cold San Miguel beer in some restaurant in the city, eat some good food, shoot some pool, get to bed early, and tomorrow ?

Tomorrow, we (1) wake up early, around 5 am, and we're gonna walk over to the Agora Public Market and we're gon' sip some hot sikwate (chocolate), and I'm warning you now, don't forget, just because you don't see no steam coming outta the cup don' mean that thing ain't hot.

I tells ya, they got that thing brewed real thick the steam couldn't come out and up, so sip reeeeaaaallll slooooowww, ya dig ?

And while we're sipping that sikwate (pronounced seek-wah-teh, without the hyphens), we'll have us some bread and butter or maybe rice cakes and watch them buses fill up and how those guys get them filled up, then we're going to board one of them buses ourselves and head down five miles or so to this nice, little town called Baclayon (bac-lah-yon), which actually I think means "to walk" , in the vernacular, and we're going to (2) visit this really, really old Roman Catholic church, built in the 1500's or thereabouts, with some of its structure still the original large stone blocks used by the Spanish friars (using Boholano labor, of course. shades of manifest destiny still to come, eh ?), and then, (3) we're going to have lunch on the river at Loboc town, just a few miles more up the road.

Heck, still so much to write about, I guess it'll be easier if you click on this link and read all about Bohol's old churches, and this link to read all about dining on the river.

Cheers, now.

Next stop: Across the channel to CEBU CITY AND CEBU PROVINCE !

(gotta run and pick up the missus now or I become the floor mop).