Never Poke A Sleeping Jackalope
73Who am I?
So, you've seen the pictures, maybe you've even read one of the hubs. But you're left wondering: "What the hell is a Jackalope?" or, "Where do they come from?" or even, "How can such an adorable creature be so damned evil?"
Well, this is your lucky day! I am probably the only Jackalope you are likely to meet, who can express himself in a language other than Lopish. And, for some reason, I'm feeling particularly talkative, today.
As Jackalopes are prolific breeders, I can't be certain of my exact lineage. But I can enlighten you as to the origin of the species. The Jackalope (latin:Lepus Temper a mentalus) is a hybrid creature. We are a cross between a rabbit (not just any rabbit, more on that later), and the African pygmy antelope. While no one is certain as to how, or why this cross-breeding occurred, there has been speculation that it was carried out by the American Military. The story I heard, was that the goal was to create a nimble, efficient soldier with an ingrained bad disposition. Other potential benefits included: Small stature to minimize space requirements; self sustaining population (the breeding thing, again); cheap and easy to feed (we eat pretty much anything that won't eat us, first).
That should answer the first two questions. As to the source of our evil, this can be attributed to selective breeding. The rabbit portion of our makeup, comes from a very rare breed of killer rabbit. I know that sounds a bit Pythonesque, but it's true. I have it on good authority that Python's killer bunny was, in fact, based upon an actual encounter with one of my distant relatives, while filming. In the course of my investigation, I heard a rumor that the infamous "killer bunny" scene may, in fact, be actual live footage of the encounter. I tried to confirm this, but the producers of that movie were "Unavailable to take my call." Just as I suspected would be the case.
On to the antelope. I'm sure you've heard of that mythical panacea, where the deer and the antelope play. But have you ever seen a pygmy antelope play? Doubtful.
Pygmy antelope are born into this world with an attitude. It is empirical evidence of evolution. The species has endured generations of ridicule, and cajoling, at the hands of "normal" sized antelopes. As a result, they have an evil disposition from birth. They spend the daylight hours plotting their revenge against their tormentors, and inflict great damage under cover of darkness. Left to their own devices, they would rule much of the world, in short order. Their antlers, however, are prized among hunters. It is for that reason, alone, that their numbers are small.
I Have Encountered a Jackalope! Now What?
If you should suffer the misfortune of a Jackalope encounter, don't panic. Never look a Jackalope in the eye, as they interpret this as an act of aggression. Simply give him a wide berth, walking slowly to his right side, as Jackalopes tend to be left handed (On an interesting side note, the Latin for "left", or "left-handed", is sinister. Apropos? Perhaps.). No matter how frightened you may be, do NOT under ANY circumstances, run. Running will undoubtedly trigger their instinct to chase, and eventually eat, whatever or whoever is running from them. If you should encounter a sleeping Jackalope, count your blessings. They are somewhat less dangerous, when they are asleep. But, for the love of God, NEVER poke a sleeping Jackalope! They are notoriously light sleepers, and quicker than you can imagine. Again, just veer to the right, on tip-toe.
Can a Jackalope Lift a Bucket of Bat Guano?
Strange question, I know. But it is one I was recently asked. Due, again, to selective breeding, we are deceptively strong creatures. Some would even say freakishly strong. What we lack in the form of thumbs, we more than make up in ingenuity. Also, our antlers make for handy slings, with which we can throw any manner of projectile. Our cunning is boundless, and there is no limit to the tactics we may employ, if backed into a corner. I know that I have already said not to look a Jackalope in the eye, but if he's already riled, you may survive by employing the fierce-gaze technique. I've only seen it used successfully, a handful of times. But, if you have a good poker face, and nerves of steel, there is an outside chance (your only chance, really) that this technique will save your life.
Friends of The Jackalope
Down deep, I'm actually a nice guy. There are plenty of jackalope detractors, but some kind hubbers have seen through my hard exterior, to the kind and gentle heart that beats deep within my breast. Among these, Patty Inglish seems to have taken the lead in attempting to reform this jackalope. She has dedicated numerous hubs to my recovery, in the form of delicious recipes, which I now prepare at home. She has shown me that cooking can be therapeutic. It's hard to be aggressive, when you're baking pies. I'll admit the apron looks a little silly; but what the heck?
Shirley Anderson was a tough nut to crack. But once she saw I was making an effort to reform, the icy attitude melted quickly. I am a fan of Shirley, and her writing, and am proud to count her among my friends.
Now, SirDent is a different story.This guy is always trying to trap me, or taking potshots at me, with his shotgun. He claims to have recipes for jackalope stew (which I have yet to see published). But, I have to believe that if he really wanted my antlers on his wall, they would already be there. Nobody can actually be that bad of a shot. Honestly, how can you miss with a 12 gauge? And at close range! No, I believe that under that gruff exterior, he is a softie. Perhaps we are kindred spirits, afterall.
To date, there are 37 members in my fanclub, and I am grateful for each one. Without them, I would cease to be. You see, I sprang from the mind of another hubber and, to his dismay, I am quickly becoming more popular than him (or her, in the interest of perpetuating the mystery). It's all very Stephen King-like (think: The Dark Half). Unlike that story, I hope that my occasional crime sprees- all misdemeanors, I assure you- will not result in my own demise.
Mission Accomplished
I believe I am nearing the end of my recovery, as I have made it through this entire hub, without mentioning butter tarts. Dammit! So close. Apparently I still have a little way to go. Please bear with me in this trying time, and if you should happen to see any of that old evil streak trying to surface, please bring it to my attention, immediately. I promise I will make every effort to suppress the urge to bite anyone offering constructive criticism.
Thank you.
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Comments
Patty! I see you received my last communique. Sorry, I was feeling a little "alliterate." I am honored to be your spokes-lope!
I must stop listening to that coyote and start building my own traps instead of ordering them from ACME!!!
The ACME Overcomer (R), a product of Pedantic Publications. National spokes-Guinea pig: SirDent. Clinical Trails to begin soon.
Note to Spokes-lope: "It is better to be Alliterate than illiterate"(c). Your new slogan. Enjoy.
I am very glad to have discovered this informative hub on Jackalopes. Why it was just the other day that I was having a conversation with someone who asked me if a Jackalope could lift a bucket of bat guano. Now anyone who's read anything I have written knows that I am the most didactic and pendantic person on the planet, and yet here, master of obfuscation and self-proclaimed intellect that I am, I had no idea. I was forced to hem and haw and try to draw his attention to other jackalope facts that I do know, like "how much vanilla pudding it takes to clog their ears" or "how close to them you have to get before you can burn a hole in their coat with a lazer pointer." It was all very awkward. But now, thanks to this informative hub, I know. Thanks!!!
Now I know what a jackalope is, I can join the fan club (now 38) and succeed where others have failed by stealth. you see I love animals even donkeys (without fingers).But dont say butter tarts again!
great fun hub!
Shadesbreath, I'm glad I could shed some light on that question, for you. We Jackalopes are taught, from birth, Never to get vanilla pudding in our ears. Chocolate, and butterscotch are ok, but definitely not vanilla. I can't believe I didn't cover that in this hub! Thanks for reminding me!
Sixty! Welcome to the club! Now you can stay informed of the latest Jackalope related news! Membership is free, but for the most up to date information, we recommend subscribing to the newsletter. It's a value-packed semi-annual publication, and we offer it to valued members for only $69.93 USD.
Patty, you need to start an affiliate program. It would make for big news! I can already see the headline in my newsletter: "Persistent People, Peddling Pedantic Publications Products, Post Prolific Profits!!!" There I go getting all alliterate, again.
I can see that I might have to sic Shadesbreath (MLM's, Pyramids et al ) onto you. I might need to talk to Dubya again.
I wonder what the longest sensible alliteration is or could be?
Sorry, Sixty, but I am already affiliated with Shadesbreath, through his corporation. In fact, I expect to emerge victorious from the company sanctioned mud(?) pit match, that is in the planning stages at the moment. I am secure in the knowledge, that he would never "pinch off" a viable stream of revenue. Also, as I have already mentioned, being a prolific breeder has it's rewards. I am in the process of producing an army of potential affiliates for him. As to the alliteration question, you can find the answer in the current issue of the newsletter. All you need to do, is suscribe! Operators are standing by, to take your order.
I loved this hub!, very fun and i will now never think of a Jackalope without thinking of you!;)
Thanks, Compu! Welcome back!
Compu-Smart Brain Trust, Inc., an affiliate of Pendactic Publications and Overseer B.T. Evilpants Alliterative Merchandising. Stock offering to go public soon...
"Bosh Bodacious Bundles of Bread" (t)(r)(c)...(z)
B.T. you are really making progress in your recovery, I'm so proud of you. In support of your efforts, I put the package of you-know-whats that I had picked up, back on the shelf and left the store empty-handed.
Re being a tough nut to crack....it was fear of the unknown, plain and simple. Fear and ignorance. Don't tell anybody, but it was exciting when you were running between 2 countries, all crazy and on the loose. Besides, the basement floor is all cleaned up now.
I've missed ya!
Well don't be such a stranger, Shirley! And feel free to garb them back off the shelf. I think I'm far enough along in my recovery to try them in moderation. Honest!
Wow, Patty! You're becoming quite the diversified entrepreneur! If I join all of your recent ventures, I will surely be a Jackalope of all trades! Besides, bosh bodacious bundles of bread propel prolific profits, always attracting additional affiliates! A little mixed alliteration, for ya!
This is the Number One Hot Hub on Hub Pages Thursday 7/17/2008 @ 8:41PM EDT.
BTEvilpants Bunnylope Boffo Board-leader!
Nice Hub Evilpants.
As Sir Dent won't publish his recipes for Jackalope Stew, here's mine.
1. Catch one jackalope.
2. Remove Antlers, and fake rolex from wrist.
3. Light fire under 44 gallon drum of water.
4. Wait until it's boiling
5. Tie large rock to jackalope, and throw both into drum of boiling water.
6. When rock is soft, jackalope is almost cooked. Add vegetables and seasonings to drum, and cook for another hour.
7. Enjoy your meal.
(Serves at least 500. Nobody has ever been able to eat more than one mouthful of Jackalope Stew)
Patty, thanks for pointing that out! I missed it. I must say that my ego is doing backflips! I do not think the hubber who sneezed me into existence, has achieved this, as yet. This should make him (or her) absolutely sick! I love it!!
Eric, thank you for the compliment. I must say that, the recipe leaves a bit to be desired. If you like, I can send you one from my personal collection (I did say we eat anything that won't eat us, first. You didn't think we drew the line at cannibalism, did you?). Why would you remove the antlers? I find that you can add flavor, by adorning the antlers with onions, garlic, bits of tasmanian devil, what have you. At best, your recipe flirts with copyright infringement, as it sounds, suspiciously, like stone soup. It is no surprise that nobody has eaten more than a mouthful of this stew. I suspect the problem is not the Jackalope, but the cook! Thank you, so much, for stopping by.
Why remove the antlers?
Simple. Raw Jackalope Antlers are fetching quite a bit these days on Ebay.
I'll look forward to your recipe. I have just snared another jackalope, and we'll be having a party this weekend where we'll be making stew. Let's see if the guests can stomach more than one spoonful of your recipe.
FYI - Rock Stew and Stone Soup are totally different. No copyright infringement there - and anyway, you can't copyright a list of ingredients.
I am nothing, if not accommodating. Allow me to point you in the right direction.
First, you must be more careful when selecting your rock. I suspect you have been mistaking petrified dung, for stewing rocks. That would go a long way toward explaining why they soften, when boiled.
Second, Jackalopes possess a scent gland, much like that of a skunk. You must remove this, prior to cooking (unless you enjoy that particular flavor). Also, the 'lope must be...dispatched, quickly. Otherwise the meat will be tainted with this skunklike flavor.
Thirdly, while they are highly valued, the antlers must be in powder form, to reap the aphrodisiac-like rewards. And, if you have ever tried to powder them, you know it takes a lot of antlers, to make a small amount of powder. It's just not worth the effort. You may gain the same benefit, by cooking them until fork-tender.
And finally, Jackalopes are notoriously tough, and stringy. You may have better results by roasting them over low coals, for several hours. Then, simply use a fork to shred the meat into your stew!
I sincerely hope this helps. Warmest regards!
Sorry before I subscribe I need a sample and not a mere 10 word grade5 alliteration at that. BTW Eric has definitely copied that Jackalope recipe. you are supposed to throw away the Jackalope, eat the stone and drink the soup! You see he did not even know that. For that army of Jackalopes do you need training, education, clothing, Snares (Eric).
If So My lines are always open!
Tsk-tsk, Sixty. If you don't count the "of", it was a twelve word alliteration, and only an example of what I was doing at the age of three. I have, since, written four lengthy novels, all of which were composed entirely of alliteration. They are available only through the newsletter. Did I mention the two bonus issues? New subscribers receive, free of charge, the Jackalope Swimsuit Issue, and the highly acclaimed "How To Win Friends, And Influence Jackalopes". Order now, and we'll throw in 6 grams of powdered Jackalope antlers, and the special report "The Benefits of Jackalope Antlers"! This is a limited time offer, so don't delay!
By the way, we also have franchise opportunities available in South Africa. Just a little something to keep in mind.
Jackalope lives!
Vale B.T. Evilpants.
There'll be no more posts from him.
Sleep well, oh little evil furry one.
http://www.jackalopejunction.com/Jackalopes_for/IM
After accidentally opening the scent gland, the stew was spoiled.
So I made the stew with a sheep, and used the jackalope for a different purpose. I think that this could be B.T. himself!
http://www.jackalopejunction.com/Jackalopes_for/IM
And if you want your own Jackalope statue, go visit the fine folks at
oops
B.T. Can I tempt you with a fresh batch of buttertarts? Sticky and gooey and oh so sweet???? zs
Aha! A dealer in our midst!
I made your recipe for a friend and she gobbled them all up. :)
A dealer, goodness me, I'm seeing myself walking in a big long trenchcoat offering my "wares" out of the pockets... Yuk the pockets all gooey... Maybe B.T. might be interested in an extremely sticky Coat.
Patty I'm glad you had success with the recipe to. zs
Goodness BT How could I even consider a South African franchise what with our springboks, Impalas , Kudus and even Duiker I imagine that the introduction of Jackalopes would cause an ecological disaster of note. Just ask Eric to tell us what introduced species did to Australia, and I'm not talking about the English prisoners but the wildlife!
Well, nothing heard from EvilPants for 4 days now.
I think it must be he that is now gracing the trophy wall of my outdoor dunny.
(See my previous post for links)
A moment 's silence.
He was a brave , quick witted little fellow.
Vale, Evilpants.
Just biding my time, friend. I'm in training, you know!
Sixty, my friend, the Mokele Mbembe, tells me there are already Jackalopes around your area. You just have to know where to look!
Evilpants: How could I be lurking and smirking on Hubpages for so long and never knew your hubs were here! Gosh..now I have to read them all!
Woody! Jackalopes are extremely stealthy! Often, you don't know we are here until it's too late! Thanks for commenting!
Wow, no carbs! I think I have a Jackalope around here, somewhere. Maybe I'll try this.
Hey, I heard that.
HI, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF mythical panacea , CAN YOU ILLUSTRATE IT IN FULL LENGTH
starcatchinfo, to illustrate it in full length would require an entire hub. In short, Panacaea was the Greek goddess of healing. As the grand daughter of Appollo, and daughter of Ascelpius (god of medicine), it was believed that she possessed a single poultice, that cured all ailments. In modern usage, Panacaea is used to describe a drug that would cure any illness or injury. Used more loosely, it refers to a place on Earth, where life is eternally perfect. No strife, no war or hunger, and in my case, no predators. I hope that clears it up for you. Thanks for taking the time to comment!
B.T. Evil pants must appear on the Stephen Colbert Show forthwith, toot de suite.
All in favor yell Boo-yah!
B.T. Evilpants story leaked - New film underway.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Lake-Charles-LA
(see bottom of story)
Patty! I am all in favor of publicity, but I was wondering why Stephen Colbert? I fancy myself more of a Letterman kinda guy.
Add one more. I have done little investigation, but my gutfeeling tells me that the jackalope is on the verge of becoming extinct, so I feel compelled to contribute to the preservation of the species :)
I do appreciate the support! There seem to be a lot of people intent on stewing Jackalopes, on hubpages, but I don't think extinction is in the cards. We must remain on guard, though.
Oh no. Mr. Evilpants must go to live in a hidden bunker. Letterman will send in his frieneds from Hello Deli to interview him, with a lovely vegetable plate.
SirDent has a basket full of butter tarts sitting out the bunker.
SirDent has wasted his effort, as B.T. has Zsuzsy's recipe in the bunker. It is prominently displayed above the pirated water creator plans.
Poke. Poke Poke.
It's time to wake up you lazy, sleeping jackalope.
Looks like you've been hibernating here for 3 months with no activity.
And I don't see your name on the presidential ticket any more. Looks like you slept through most of your campaign.
You may want to take another look, old friend. I've actually been quite busy! Haven't seen much of you though.
are there real tell me
I don't know how I missed this one. Very informative and bloody hysterical!
Hi Chris! I almost forgot tis one was here, too. Thanks for the reminder and the comment! I think an original Christoph Reilly comment drives the score up by 10 points!
Patty Inglish, MS says:
18 months ago
PieTherapy version 3.14 is a production of Pedantic Publications; national spokes-lope B.T. Evilpants. Infomercials coming soon.