B.T. Evilpants goes to the zoo
64A Real Quandary
I have been thinking about leaving the presidential race. With so many oars in the water, I just don't have enough time to devote to this campaign. Business is picking up at the salon, and several amusement park ventures are set to open in the spring. I have public appearances, and speaking engagements, you get the picture.
Since I wasn't entirely sure about this decision, I decided to seek some advice. But who could I trust? Whose opinion did I value above any other? Patty Inglish! No, she's busy getting Gravy World up and running. She's also a hubber. I could never ask another hubber. I'm so loved and respected here, that I'm sure their opinions are all biased (in my favor, of course).
I decided that I needed to leave my campaign headquarters, and seek out the man in the street, so to speak. I needed to reconnect with my peers. Talk to my supporters. In short, mingle with the little people. So off to the zoo I went, to talk to my peeps.
First Stop: The Bears
No, I didn't ask their opinion. If you had read my revenge hub, then would have already known I don't value their opinions. I just think they're fun to mess with. It's completely safe, since I never met a bear I couldn't outsmart. Or outrun. Especially if it's a bear in a cage.
Since I caught her off guard, and I already had my camera, I just couldn't resist! I may very well go back next week, for another laugh. If you dislike bears as much as I do, I put the video up for all to see.
Not All Bears Are Bad
I don't really have anything against polar bears, so I strolled over to get their opinion. I merely mentioned that I was considering leaving politics, and the mood changed, dramatically! The poor guy could barely stand on all fours.
Again, I know that nobody at hubpages would doubt my word. But I have included video evidence for skeptics. I'm sure they exist somewhere, though I can't imagine why. Note how despondent this bear became, at the thought of another human in office.
Down On The Farm
Heartened by this response, I moseyed over to the farm exhibit, to conduct further polling. I mentioned my opponent by name, and you wouldn't believe the response! The Question that elicited this response was: "What is your first thought when I say Torpey for president?" Fortunately I also caught this on video. Go ahead. Check 'em out. They're very short.
And there you have it. The goats were scared stiff. The pigs, cats, dogs and sharks ( I don't know what they were doing in the farm exhibit, but what do I know?) were speechless. The chickens were in hiding. They heard my opponent's name, and ran off screaming something about a chicken in every pot, or something like that. Further evidence that I am sorely needed in the Whitehouse.
I didn't wish to cause further stress to these poor animals, so I promised to do everything in my power to keep that Torpey guy out. I assured them that there would be no soup pots (or pork chops, in the case of the pigs) in the Evilpants administration. Of course, they were visibly relieved.
Just One More Stop, To Cement My Decision
I hopped on over to see an old friend. Large Marge (Hey, I didn't name her. Blame her parents), is an elephant who is beyond reproach. She lived an honest and fruitful life, and retired here. She's not particularly fond of people, but she gets all the food she wants here, and doesn't have kids climbing on her back, day in and day out. She also has a long memory, and is wise beyond her years.
When I got there, I was thrilled to see a film crew. Apparently they were filming a documentary about zoo life. I could get an honest opinion, and it would be filmed by an impartial third party. If that's not incontrovertible evidence, I don't know what is!
I simply asked her how she felt about humans running the country, and what a response! She offered up a heretofore unseen gesture, vis a vis her attitude toward the state of the world under a human regime. Rather than posting my own video, which could be disputed as being taken out of context, I have put up actual footage from the documentary.
I must admit, I was caught by surprise, here. But my decision was made. I pledged to renew my fight for the Whitehouse, and put the country back on the right path.
Fear No More!
Now, I know that some of you had heard that I was thinking about stepping down. My inbox has been flooded with pleas, to stay in the race. From the very beginning, I have said that I did not want to be president, but considered it my civic duty to honor the wishes of my countrymen (and women). I must offer my sincerest apology for having lost sight of that.
Rest assured that B.T. Evilpants will remain on guard, seeking to protect your interests. I have come to my senses, and reclaimed the courage of my convictions (Not that I have ever been convicted, mind you. Nothing was ever proven. Honest).
A Final Warning
Beware the media, my friends. They are indeed biased. Had they not chosen to completely ignore the Republicrat National Convention, this hub would have been unnecessary. There were thousands of supporters in attendance. I gave a very profound and moving acceptance speech. We laughed, we cried, we drank Kool-Aid. A good time was had, by all. I guess that, lacking media coverage, you'll just have to trust me on that.
To all of you who attended, thank you for your support, and I will not let you down! And to all of you who remain undecided, I say: "Vote early, vote often, but above all, VOTE EVILPANTS IN 08!
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Comments
That does sound like fun. I certainly hope your dog won't hold the alleged duping against me.
Funny Fun funny LOL rofl loved it and you have my vote..the best sounding candidate so far.....videos were very interesting..especially Large Marge HEE HEE what a way to go! ! ! Thanks sweetie....G-Ma :o) hugs
Well thank you for your vote! Every time you leave a comment, another hub angel gets his wings, G-ma!
OMG - that poor guy who lost his head inside the elephant!! I'm sorry for him, I'm sure it was horrible, but I'm still laughing and laughing. Can you imagine him going home...."Honey, I'm home. You're never gonna believe what happened to me today." Think he took much ribbing from his co-workers?
Glad you're still in the presidential race, B.T. Good luck at the polls.
He's just another example of a working stiff, who throws himself into his work. He definitely didn't have his head in the clouds.
Nope, pretty sure that wasn't the clouds. Still laughing.
I wonder if he could actually breath??? oh my lol G-Ma :o) hugs
I'm not completely convinced that he would want to breathe that air.
BT your imagination is unparalled, of course you must stay in the race! If you win we expect hubs on Oil in Iraq, The virtues of interns and cigar smoking in the whitehouse and a new take on the inconvenient truth. A bill to bring back flower power and the seventies. And of course your discourse on conservation not forgetting the Jackalope issue.
A gravy nationalisation program and an eel protection program will be required too!
Kind Regards
"A gravy nationalisation program and an eel protection program will be required too!" - You are right sixty! We must have a new John Philip Sousa March about this!
B.T. - Even if they steal the election and you do not "win" we will stage a takeover - 7.000.000 electric eels on pogo sticks with singularity power will show them! They will be followed by the gravy train, of course. The eels are training hard at The Old Firm Tobacco Farm, Produce Center, and Defense Construction Fieldl; enjoying the free tobacco and compost and the Worm Lobby contributions.
By the way, I bet the cabbages in every pot suggested for the Torpey Campaign vegetarian sector are also screaming and their leaves as we speak.
Onward in '08!
Thank you for the high praise, Sixty! In the interest of improving my odds, I will be sending out absentee ballots for this election. They will go to all of my friends in the "outlying" voting precincts, and will be sent with detailed voting instructions. You should receive yours in the coming weeks!
Patty! I knew I could count on you and the eels! I hope they are enjoying their new hairdos. I'm a big fan of the Medusa perm.
Hilarious....quite simply hilarious!
Why, thank you! And welcome to the dark side!
Unfortunately the location has been revealed. The wormhole portal is in Lucern at LHC. The CERN is now known to be Cesspool Excrement Repository for Non proliferation (of Eels a, seahorses and Jackalopes). We must rise up!
Sixty, I've been watching the folks at CERN for a long time. I know what they are up to, and my agents have infiltrated their organization. We shall soon see what happens when a twinkie is accellerated to near light speed!
...and when an eel accidentally drops one of The Old Firm's worms into the Collider......
No comment. What, am I gonna complain about you leaving politics?!
Patty, maybe they can collide the worm, with the twinkie! Talk about fireworks!
CW, howdy! I am in it to win it! I won't be leaving. Once the absentee ballots start rolling in, I expect a landslide victory!
Patty, J.P.S. has spoken to me via eelja board; he has at least three new marches in the pot: "the Sousa Slither," "the Maxi Farad Jolt," (quite a bouncy little ditty) and the "Tesla Coil." These will first be played at B.T.'s inauguration, held concurrently with my recognition as (variously) Puppet God, Governor, and Benevolent Dictator of various small, insignificant, but strategically placed islands. (Don't welsh on the deal ol' buddy, ol' pal, a certain recently Gay bear that's under Spryt's protection has been hanging out with Maxi, [who is of course AC/DC.] He's seen your Heffalump clip and has been inspired with a fresh surge of retribution. HE OWES YOU NO FAVOURS AFTER YOUR LOW TRICK. As you should know Heffalumps and bears are close buddies, as A.A.Milne has famously shown, and he's now very chummy with Maxi.)
You may well consider this a threat but I couldn't possibly comment. I'm behind you all the way, trust me. The following of course has no bearing on what has gone before.Since Patty and Some Other have lost the eels to my compost heap I've slightly expanded my modest qualification of "THE MOST" (The Highest Ever Master Of Slimy Tricks) The sequence is: Press Secretary, Political Adviser, Campaign Manager, Consortium of Bribes and Backhanders, THE MOST. The others are below contempt. Consider me the voice behind the clone.
PS, I have secured all iridescent pictures of Shirley Temple in existence and also have them in the hands of diverse anti-Jackalope agencies. if you don't believe me try to find one on the Internet. You can of course buy the eels back (freshly smoked or jellied) at $23.95 each, immediate delivery by worm-hole, with a complimentary container of Tartare Sauce.
PPS, For you, only $24.95!
Hysterical! I mean I was LMFAORODFUABSOMN! (laughingmyfrinkinassoffrollingondamnflooruntiladultbeverageshotoutmynose.)
That elephant guy gives new meaning to the term "butthead". Thanks!
Old Firm, I'm wondering how you smuggled that computer into you "special quilty-soft room. Good job, little buddy!
Christoph, I guess I owe you an adult beverage! Thanks for clearing up the trouble I was having. I wasn't sure if I had witnessed a head-butt, or a butt-head. By the way, I'm bettin' that guy was wanting an adult beverage, too. He may have even enjoyed it being shot from his nose!
I hide my laptop in a cistern over-night and transmit from a moving furniture van, via a secure server in the Netherlands. As my country has just announced its election date these precautions are necessary. Checking the first line of my profile will give what I consider four valid reasons for me not being acceptable to the current local political climate. I could possibly scrape reluctant acceptance with "Aquarian", and even any one of the others; but all three? Never.
The bear and Maxi are frolicking amongst my freesias. A disgusting sight.
Old firm, you are very active tonight! They must have finally adjusted your meds. I think that's just great! You sound like you're feeling ever so much better. You have mentioned Shirley Temple a number of times. Tell me, is she there with you?
Damn, I'm laughing so frickin' hard. The chick laughing in the background of the elephant one at the end, when he's yanking, is priceless. The frickin' goat and polar bear were hilarious too. They all were (except the stupid screaming one which startled the crap out of me you @$#%*!&).
Sounded like a great hub to come and visit. Glad I did ~ very fun and entertaining!
Ahh yes. When I put that screaming one in there, I was thinking "This should just about startle the crap out of Shadesbreath. Don't I just feel like an @$#%*!&." Thanks for letting me know I was right. The elephant is a timeless classic. Large Marge has never let me down.
Thanks, Dottie. Come back any time!
I thought that elephant one was going to be about the guy who drowned (or nearly drowned) when he got shat upon by an elephant and the weight of it bore him to the ground and snuffed or near snuffed him out. What a horrific way to go, either way. Bleh.
Good god! I hope it wasn't the same guy! Talk about a bad day at work!
Okay...if I vote for you can we go after C.E.R.N.? I'm serious here! I don't want to be part of Big Bang Dieux. If you promise we can invade C.E.R.N. headquarters, I'm in.
No problem at all, Spryte. As I told our friend Sixty, my agents have already infiltrated their organization. I was worried about them opening a black hole, that would suck us all in!
I think the first of the tiny black holes opened up in that elephant's ass. That would explain how that dude got sucked in.
You may be mistaken, Shades. I believe that was a wormhole. Entirely different. If that guy had not reversed course, he may eventually have come out the front end of a mammoth.
Well if he had it could have explained why people are so stupid today. I mean, if we knew that we were decended from a guy that was too moronic to avoid getting his head stuck in an elephant's butt, well, it would just answer a great many questions for me, that's all.
Actually, I believe that guy evolved from here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DBuk91phkI
B.T., where I am it ain't tonight, it is, more correctly, tomorrow afternoon. Although I'm behind you all the way, chronologically I'm ahead of you all the way. Shirley Temple here? of course not. Only strategically placed iridescent pictures of her from a million years ago, 7,000,000 Sting-Ray and Ronald Ray-gun armed elective eels on pogo sticks, the neighbour's tom-cat, and some strange trees with binoculars and tape recorders, that have popped up from no-where. (Oh yeah, and that damned Gay bear. I may have to donate him to the Labour Party, he should be quite at home.)
Shades, me old cerebral cobber, (I'm speaking Strine to you as people from Sacramento can seldom tell the difference between Ockas and us far superior lot) how can any-one scare the crap out of a brain on a soggy length of pasta who has yet to work out where to put the other end of that straw, so he can ingest adult beverage?
Spryte, I think that I'll leave the bear to his strange amusements for the time being. He'll suffer less mental damage with a faery and an AC/DC eel than with our Labour Party.
Spare a thought for the poor elephant. Mexican zoos must operate on a limited budget, and just can't afford colonoscopes. The guy's a sketch artist sent up to check for cancerous nodules.
Old Firm: Thank you for the loan of the bear. We're in the middle of a complete makeover and I just couldn't do without him. Besides...I'm really learning to like those Barbra Streisand show tunes! So catchy!
HOLY S... Omg, BT, how the hell do you find that stuff. God that is freaking hilarious. I broke a sweat I laughed so hard at that.
And, um, Old Firm, I'm not sure what an Ocka is, but I'm very happy you have positioned yourself higher on the ladder of obscure Australian references.
An Ocka is an obscure Australian. Taswiejans are exempt. I am neither.
I did warn you of political surveillance. The following arrived in my email a few minutes ago: http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/
The strange trees outside my window are in a huddle. I don't believe that they're FBI, they all have coppiced haircuts, New England accents, and law degrees nailed to their trunks.
Shadesbreath, it is obvious that you fail to grasp the vastness of the Evilpants empire. The monkey video was sent to me by my field agent in New Zealand. It is actually Old Firm, playing in his yard, just before the nice men in white coats showed up. I hear he is doing better now. And eating lots of breathmints.
I am sure old firm's eels should have Ta Ta sauce. So long and thanks for the fish. I am on my way to the Cafe at the end of the universe and have arrived in Budapest this morning , Hence my somewhat enforced silence. However I am quite near CERN (oops that slipped out (of the elephant))! and will investigate but I have it on good authority that a twinkie and a worm colliding give a winkie! Old firm how could you allow Sprite the use of a bear and a bear what at that? I believe the trees are making trunk calls and running up a mammoth bill.
Sixty! You are giving away valuable intelligence! If you continue to let things slip like that, my CERN operatives may drop you into the collider as well. I suggest extreme caution in all future communiques. I shudder to think what may happen if you are collided with the Twinkie, and the worm.
Verily, I have been smote by the jawbone of an ass, ( or vice versa ) As we know B.T., you are the one on monkey glands to prolong you existence beyond 17 years, 5 months 3 weeks 2 days and 11 minutes.
All is now clear as to why my furry familiar strolled in looking smug some weeks ago, shortly following a now recognisable scream from my compost heap. (It was just after the eels set up their lab.) You were lucky to have reached the worm-hole in time. She likes bringing in things that she's just killed and laying them out as a token of her affection. No wonder you've been rambling for the last month. I wonder who took the clip? I obviously have an unknown mole in your camp, it was well before Tinkerbell the Bear arrived.
I hope you learned your lesson: DON'T MESS WITH T.O.F.'S COMPOST HEAP, I have friends in sly places!
And Sixtyorso, Wally The Dutch from over the road came over this morning for coffee, and the C eye A sap(ling)s staggered away shortly after, looking right poorly. I think they were coming down with Dutch Elm Disease.
Old Firm, I can barely understand you. What's that noise? Are you gargling?
Ok, I can not be held accountable for the language in this, but, well, in the spirit of the videos you present (and courtesy of my wife)... all I can say is ROFL and you should at least watch it twice to really appreciate it. So, here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yeu6ERK98U4
Now that I've had the chance to to get myself back under control, allow me to retort. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1_zykGpz9Q
That's pretty funny too, but, I'll be honest with you, mine still makes me laugh so hard I cry.
A hare threesome with a voyeur and a squirrel drinking beer through a straw - current government as usual, I take, it BT?
I bought you the book "How to be President" so you can fashion your own more up-to-date version.
I'm a little worried too Patty...the only thing missing was a cigar. Is this what we can expect from your administration???????
Get me Cuba and you and Tinkerbell the bear can have all the cigars your little hearts desire!
Spryte, and Patty, I have addressed your concerns in an update to my campaign hub. For your own health, and the health of the country, I urge you to read it.
By the way, why am I being harangued by people with this cigar obsession? I do not smoke them, nor do I have any unattractive interns who do. Regardless of how you use a cigar, it is hazardous to your health, and no good can come of it! Just ask Bubba.
I have read and will comply. (I also have new election propaganda issued. Announcement on campaign page thread.)
This hub has given me a new standard, by which to judge a bad day at work. When I left work yesterday, I actually said "At least I didn't have my head stuck in an elephant's ass, today."
Is a Jackalope's persona distinguishable?
...10...9...8.......
ROFLMAO!
B.T., please don't leave the presidential race. I haven't even read your campaign yet, but if it's as good as this hub, then I'm voting for you!
Well thanks for that vote! By all means, read the campaign hub, but I don't see how you could possibly disagree with my position. Welcome aboard!
hot dorkage says:
15 months ago
The video of the screaming animals brought my dog trotting in here with a concerned look on her face. When she realized it was just the damn computer, she slunk out with that "damn duped again" look on her little doggy face. This hub is moving enough to almost make me quit my own bid for the presidency and vote for you. :) We haven't had our convention yet, but I expect that the six of us will gather on September 20th for locally produced drink and figure oh well we can count on these six votes and probably these six only, and then make music and forget the whole thing.