I recorded every episode of Super Nanny, read countless parenting books, took Love and Logic parenting classes, sought the advice of friends, daycare staff, and family, and despite my efforts, I still had a very volatile, unpredictable child. Where was I going wrong? Others felt I needed to spank more; use more discipline, but nothing seemed to make a difference. Spanking always escalated and prolonged the meltdowns. I used consistent discipline and followed through on consequences, but my son’s behavior did not change.

As I look back, my baby was fussier than most, had difficulty sleeping, wasn’t consoled easily, and developed allergies to nearly every type of formula. But developmentally, he was on track. He crawled at 8 months, walked at 11 months, and was talking at 18 months.

His defiance began around age 1, necessitating the introduction of the Time Out. By age 2, his favorite word was “NO”, he was a picky eater, and he had extreme meltdowns over things like the sun being in his eyes. If another child touched him or tried to hug him, he reacted in anger and would push the other child away. The transition from crib to big boy bed was a nightmare. We tried every technique in the book to get him to stay in his room, but to this day, we have only had partial success.

I felt like an absolute failure. The parenting techniques I read about were hit and miss.  It was difficult facing judgmental eyes, knowing I was trying everything I could to be a good mother.  I yearned for the public to see my son's good side, but felt many couldn't get past his behavior.  I'm sure he felt it as well.  He rarely seemed comfortable enough to open up and show his sweet loving side to those outside our family. 

By age 3, my little guy was very well spoken, imaginative and bright, however, many times, when spoken to, he refused to give eye contact or to respond in any way. This was especially noticeable when strangers tried to interact with my son. It also seemed as if he would not, or could not follow directions. Sometimes he really tried, but something like the light switch on the wall would distract him, and he would completely forget what he was supposed to be doing.

Potty training was another major challenge. Just prior to his 4th birthday, we were finally successful. The only way we were able to accomplish this feat was to take away all of his toys, the television, and the computer, and remain in the house for 10 days straight focusing on potty training with no distractions. He suffered from hard painful bowel movements, and would wait until the very last minute to get to the potty. He always said he didn’t feel like he had to go until it was literally coming out.

Although my child loved social interaction, he would often go off to a room by himself at the beginning of the play date. He would say he needed space, and would get angry if other children tried to follow him. During play, if my son accidentally got hurt, he would scream, “You’re not my friend anymore! I never want you to come to my house, ever again!” At the end of the play date, we would walk his friends out to their car. When it came time for a hug or a high-five to say goodbye, there would be another angry outburst. It was through this, I learned how forgiving children can be. They seemed to forgive and forget, despite the way my son treated them.

In preschool, he refused to do activities that meant putting his hands in paint, or anything messy. Field trips were a source of anxiety. My son would struggle to decide whether or not he could handle riding the bus with the other kids. He would become very upset, not knowing for sure what the day would be like. He was also very particular about his socks. If his socks didn’t feel right, he would become extremely agitated.

At age 4, our son took up Tae Kwon Do. That’s when we discovered that he was different. When the instructor would yell out, “Everyone, sit down”, all the kids would react immediately to the command. My son, however, would still be standing, and it seemed as if he didn’t even notice that everyone else was sitting down. After every command, the children were to yell out, “Yes, sir!” My son would not. Was he being defiant? I thought so, at the time.

That was until another mom had the courage to say something to me. She said, “Can I recommend a book for you to read?”

I said, “Sure. What is it?”

She replied, “It’s called The Out-of-Sync Child, by Carol Kranowitz.”

“I’ve been trying to figure out why my son doesn’t behave the way other children do at times, and why he doesn’t respond to the parenting techniques I’ve read about. What’s your suspicion?”

She told me she suspected Sensory Processing Disorder (also known as Sensory Integration Dysfunction). She pointed out the way he walked on his tip toes, blinked very often and deliberately, chewed on his clothing, lost his focus, was unable to concentrate when there was too much noise and movement all around him, and the way he’d get lost in the mirror. I told her about his sleep problems. He had never been able to sleep through the night without getting up several times usually starting at around 1:00am. She said that this was another common problem for children with SPD.

I immediately bought the book and after pouring over its pages, I was certain that my child had SPD. I finally understood! Children with SPD are so sensitive to what they see, feel, taste, smell and hear, that they are unable to tune out the unimportant stimuli and focus in on the task at hand. This constant bombardment creates a hostile environment that they are barely able to withstand. They melt down easily because they are overwhelmed with what they are experiencing. An unexpected touch catapults their bodies into a fight or flight response. For these children, an inability to organize stimuli from their senses creates problems in nearly every aspect of their lives.

Finally understanding why my son behaved the way he did was a real turning point. It gave me the patience to deal with his melt downs calmly. It changed the way I parented. It was a weight lifted from my shoulders.

Getting help was a challenge, but it was well worth it. I quickly learned that SPD is not a well-known disorder. Our pediatrician didn’t know much about it, but she took my written list of SPD concerns and found a few resources that may be able to help my son. He was developmentally on track, so he didn’t qualify for Occupational Therapy through the school system. We were, however, able to get my son evaluated, diagnosed, and treated through the Easter Seals Children’s Therapy Center. After jumping through the required hoops, we were able to get our insurance company to approve 12 sessions of Occupational Therapy. We immediately began a once a week OT session, combined with a daily sensory regimen at home. During those 12 weeks, we saw amazing results. The most noticeable change happened just days after initiating the Wilbarger Protocol (A skin brushing technique along with joint compressions that provides deep pressure sensory input). For the first time in his life, my son started to hug people outside our immediate family. He was also able to adapt to new environments more readily and no longer needed to go off by himself at the beginning of a play date. The brushing calmed him and put him into a relaxed state. Therapy taught us that he needed a daily dose of rocking or swinging, deep pressure (skin brushing, joint compressions), heavy work activities (pushing, pulling, jumping, etc.), exposure to new foods, and messy play. All of these things helped to calm him, and allow him to organize the information coming in through his senses. He met all of his treatment goals in 12 sessions and was released from care.

Now, my son is 7 years old. He still has good days and bad days, struggles with sleeping through the night, and overreacts to touch at times, but he is functioning at school and doing well. He has taught me so much about compassion and patience. Now, when I encounter extreme resistance, I know it’s not bad behavior or intentional defiance. He is doing his best and he’s just not able to handle what I’m asking of him at that moment. By taking baby steps and accommodating his needs when I can, I have to say, things are going pretty well.