Bailout! What's A Few Hundred Billion Dollars, Between Friends?
70A Response From The Third Candidate
It would seem that I'm the last candidate to address this issue. It's not that I have been slow to respond. I have been analyzing the problem, going over the numbers, and listening to my opponents fight over how to best bail out Wallstreet.
They have paid a lot of lip service to bailing out Mainstreet, as well, but I just haven't found any language to that effect in the previous, or current plan. I applaud those who voted down the first plan, and hope the second one suffers the same fate.
My Simple Plan
I have drafted a plan, that I believe will offer relief on both fronts. I think it will cost less than 800 billion dollars, and alleviate the pain of this whole crisis. Of course, if Washington is determined to spend 800 billion, then I would happily pocket the difference as payment for services rendered.
Rather than submitting a lengthy plan, that nobody has the time or patience to read (they always hide the scariest stuff in the middle of these things), My plan can be outlined in just one page.
The first, and most important point is simple. Under no circumstances should we simply hand this money over to the institutions that caused much of the problem, in the first place. Instead, the funds should be deposited directly into the most delinquent accounts. Particularly those with homes (primary residences, not investment properties) in, or soon to be in foreclosure. In one move, these lenders will have been rendered solvent, while alleviating the proliferation of foreclosed properties.
Once the foreclosures are taken care of, we can address the middle-class taxpayers who are in bankruptcy. I'm not talking about credit card debt, here. There are many citizens forced into bankruptcy, and foreclosure by medical, and other unexpected expenses.
The second step, addressing unemployment, may be somewhat more costly. As of this moment (08:30 hrs DST, 10-03-08) there are over 500,000 people applying for unemployment compensation in the U.S. I suggest a depression era style make-work program. I have a specific job in mind, for these people. For $12.50 per hour (not a lot, but more than unemployment), they will be employed as Personal Assailants. One P.A. shall be assigned to the president, vice president, and every board member of every major lender in the country. If there are enough unemployed people to go around, these positions can be extended to major corporations in other sectors.
The Personal Assailant's job description is as follows. Simply put, the Personal Assailant will follow their charge to work, home, lunch, the country club, pretty much wherever they go. In the event that their charge shows any indication that they are about to entertain "Unwise" business or lending practices, they shall commence to beat them about the face and neck, until they see the error of their ways. After a week or so of daily beatings, I think they will start to get the idea.
Once we have these executives in line, their P.A.'s can be re-deployed to other ares, such as the oil industry, and members of congress.
It Will Work, I Promise
With my plan, I firmly believe we can achieve fiscal responsibility, and stability in the stock markets, while maintaining zero unemployment. When I become president, my plan will be put into action within days. The American people should see the relief within a few weeks of its implementation.
At the moment, I am working on extensions to this plan, but as it stands, it will address the immediate needs of our nation. It will work quickly, and painlessly (Except, of course, for the daily beatings. But most people will be unaffected, by those).
In closing, I would like to thank you for your time, and your vote. We now return you to your regularly scheduled hubs.
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Comments
Thanks, Rodney. I knew that people would see things my way. How could they not? I had considered the WPA, or PAA (personal assailant auditor). In the event that there are not enough unemployed individuals to fill these positions, I believe it would make a splendid employment option for scores of undocumented immigrants. Yet another problem solved.
You've got my vote.
Oh, and I'm not unemployed, but I would REALLY like to be involved in the PA program. I have management experience - does that help?
That depends. To qualify for a management position, this is required reading! http://hubpages.com/hub/A-Do-It-Yourself-Guide-To-
If you are familiar with these techniques, you're in!
Sounds like a good plan BT. Of course there is always the part that isn;t really shown that worries me. The hidden agenda if you will. What is your hidden agenda? I have been hearing rumors about you lately. Not sure if I should get into them here or not.
Thank you SirDent. I am always happy to address any concerns you may have. Simply leave a comment, and my next available PA wil be around to speak to you.
Sir Dent, maybe we should get a couple of PA's to have a quiet talk to him. TThey haff vaysof makin u talk
The hidden agenda if i have read this right is that the taxes from all of these newly employed Pa's and other letters would be used to turn the Usa into a massive breeding centre for Jackalopes.....jimmy
I've completed my reading assignment and feel that I am certainly qualified for a PA management position. Will there be room in my new office for a recliner and kegerator?
Rodney, I hired a PA a couple months ago., Unfortunately all he does is sit around eating butter tarts. He does make an appearance from time to time, but I htink it;s all for show. I think I may need to hire a new one.
Sir Dent, Maybe he should attend the same course as Em Writes has just completed, then if he doesnt do anything, you bung him into the kegerator!!
B.T. I love that evil mind of yours. I think this plan should work and you have my vote. I would really like to ask for a PA to look into the banker that decided to give my husband a home equity loan.
Ahhh yeeeesss - system of hari kiri: the One commits ritual suicide and the Second cuts off his head and commits ritual suicide and the Third cuts off the Second's head and goes on about his business. It may work.
I had thought 10 years ago of a PA as being assigned to everyone over the age of 70 as a companion and assistant, so we are almost in total agreement.
B.T. Evilpants - What America Needs! Are you related to Captain Underpants, by the way? I have read all of his historical works.
--Gravy Campaign Chairman PI
I believe BT just wants all that money for himself. I can see the greed in his hub.
Are you accusing us of being a Gravy Train, MH-soon-to-be-gravy?
Love the banter. You are all so witty.
Ooooh can I be a PA? As they say in my political party, "Ve haf vays....."
I see the personal assailant program is getting some support! It's too bad the rest of my plan will never see the light of day. But I think the PA's can be put in place as soon as I'm elected. I will be accepting resumes in January.
*slips a plain envelope under the table to BT*
I know he'll soon no longer be in a position to screw the country up any further...but I still want to beat the snot out of him, just for the fun of it. I'm sure he'll continue to do stupid things...and let's just say I'd be willing to take on the assignment. *wink*
Spryte! Your reputation precedes you! You needn't even have asked! He's all yours...
*smiles widely*
thank you
You may think you are rid of me, but you are not. Everyone thinks Jacaklopes are so smart and hard to catch. I have BT's number and everyone will know very soon how evil he really is.
Aha Mr.Evilpants sir , it would seem your devilish plan just might work. However I feel there are forces afoot that would bring you undone. If I may offer my services as a bodyguard or Apprentice(I did pass your management courses) for a mere, lets say..hmmmm 350billion dollars I will be your protector(cough). Cash would be most acceptable . I await in anticipation (signed) Agvulpes
PS:-If you find this offer not to your liking, I will vote for you for lets say, 10million dollars!
You can run but you cannot hide. I anticipated your ploy for sustained employment weeks ago ( before the crash) and have had Maxi and his 7,000,000 cut-throat elective eels in intensive training, as you well know.
Just to bring you up to speed, they look an awesome sight as they boing past mounted on their pogo sticks, alternately jack-booting and straight arm saluting in their nifty little black alkathene pipe uniforms with the zz lapel flashes. Five battalions are armed with the latest intergalactic sting-ray guns, Two with the older Ronald-Rayguns (Remember, the ones that wander hazily out the barrel and don't do much damage, but everybody loves them) They're perfectly suited to instruct your millions of unemployed stock brokers and cost analysts in the gentle art of fat cat bludgeoning. To show my ongoing support for your admirable campaign I'm willing to send you a mixed three battalions for zip, under the command of Tinkerbell the bear. (For some reason he doesn't seem to like you, however he's very fond of Spryte, which doesn't really make a lot of sense)
Just say the word and I'll have them to you yesterday by fast wormhole. I'm behind you all the way, trust me.
Personal Assailants ahah, that one is good! Too bad it's all a dream, and the ones that are being kicked in the face right now is the Americans... And without getting a cent too :(
If I lived in the USA I would definitely be voting for you B.T. Your simple ideas would probably work a treat :)
Misty, I have been sending my "double secret" absentee ballots around the world. Yours should be in the mail, soon. It is disguised as an insert in the Jackalope Ent. Christmas Wish Book!
I will look forward to receiving it and get it back to you post haste :)
Eeeeeexcellent. *in my best Monty Burns impersonation*
I've just received your double secret ballot form. It was disguised as an application to buy 100 Irish Lotto tickets for only NZ$20. - AND I can get the same in French, Italian, and some other country, (probably outer Mongolia) for FREE!! It has your devious little paw-marks all over it. Keep up the good work, you have the makings of a Great president.
I'm glad you are coming around, Old Firm. And you Caught me. Those are, in fact, my paw prints. The lottery offer is real. Just pick your numbers, and send the rest of the "Double Secret" ballot back to me. I'll do the rest. I can personally guarantee your numbers will come in!
I see you have incipient "oldtimer's disease". You've already sent me my 100 pre-selected numbers to be used in all four Lottos, and you can whistle for the twenty bucks! Don't worry, it won't hinder your' bid for Presidency, (it never has in the past).
Just remember: I-have-already-paid-you-$20!
I-am-your-friend!
Because-I-am-your-friend-you-are-giving-me-control-of-many-small-in-sig-nif-igant-islands!
I-am-behind-you-all-the-way-trust-me!
By the way, I've just upgraded your dossier. Nice shot of you staggering out of that deli' at 3am last week armed with a shotgun and a jemmy, wild eyed and smeared with butter tart. You've the election in the bag, just keep up the lying and cheating - "One decent deceit is worth a thousand words of empty rhetoric." (Joyce's law.)
Another one I missed. I must have been stoned on butter tarts.
Just_Rodney says:
14 months ago
Very well put and an extremely useful election ploy. The PA would have to be specially trained and that too would create even more jobs. Then in case of the PA being corrupted or not diligently enforcing his role, you would need to have WPA employed for every PA. The WPA would be there to observe report and to take over the role of the PA, as well as having to beat the head face and neck of the PA until he to has to mended his/her ways.