Top 7 Reasons Why Barack Obama is Too Old to be President
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I dedicate this list to all the hardcore gamers, back breaking working teens, 20 somethings, 30 somethings, and every other American group out there young enough to give a damn about the American Dream that keeps screwing us over harder than George Bush on an acid trip.
1. All We Are is Gamers in the Wind
Born in 1961, Obama could be Mario and Luigi's long lost father.
Translation:
- He knows poopsicles about gamers.
- Thinks Blizzard is an ice cold storm.
- And Square is a geometrical figure.
2. GTC - Grand Theft College
Obama comes from a time when $4000 made a difference to a college student... today, four grand might make a difference if you live in Sweden and can use the money to setup a marijuana peddling franchise.
3. Half-Life of Capital Radiation
Obama already served four years as senator on Capital Hill, he's practically a political crony.
4. Destroy All Humans! Well, Just the Young Ones...
Obama worries so much about social security retirement that he whole-heartedly wants seniors to pay no taxes, you to pay more, and... oh, continue to jack you out of yours!
5. What is the Matrix?
Obama: The Andy Griffith Show.
You: The Sopranos.
Obama: Happy Days.
You: Party of Five.
Obama: Dragnet.
You: 24.
Obama: the Blue pill.
You: the Red pill.
Exactly.
6. The Cartman Double Standard
Lets face it... if you're not in an episode of South Park than you're not chill, you're not cool, you're not in... you're old news man.
7. Latin - The Dead Language
Obama believes...
- AJAX is a type of abrasive cleaner.
- Java is coffee.
- Ruby on Rails is a musical number.
- PHP is a new molecular structure.
- And "All Your Base Our Belong to Us" is a secret love code between George Bush and Dick Cheney.
Despite his flaws, I'll still be voting for him when he beats Baroness Thatcher, wife of Ron Jeremy, and goes on to the final round against General MacArthur.
Good luck Frederick Douglas!
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Comments
No problem :)
Hilarious article! I need this in-between all the business stuff. You are a talented writer I've come to admire. Sign me up!
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Raven King says:
5 months ago
Wow, the dude doesn't know poopsicles about gamers. This really made me laugh. Thanks.