The Bathrobe Prophet

Where did that hippy in the mirror come from; who let him in here? This bathrobe prophet once wore his khakis like all the other half men walking around out there. This was once a reasonable life lived by a reasonably foolish young man. The level of indulgence was once reasonable. Now there is no reason; only a hellishly refined will inflicting itself on its environment. A chemically enhanced engine of malice fueled on coffee, alcohol, psychedelics, and cheese. A bowl of chewable supplements replaces food. Calcium enriched antacids, green tea fortified fiber supplements, citrus flavored chewable vitamin C, a prismatic array of nutrition for the dumb. No more food; just fuel for the machines.

I can't have turned hippy. I like meat, red and bloody. I still use soap, frequently. I don't like Phish or Panic. Long haired, drug addled, thirty-something neo-journalist dating a twenty-nothing kid from small town Cascadia and drinking vodka in his 0930 cup of coffee. This is what I have become. Another under employed, unpaid, news spewer online. Throat burning with sickness because I have no insurance, I grind up cloves and cured banana rinds because I can't afford pot, and because everywhere I go or sleep, in this fucking world, people still feel the urge to keep fur bearing pets in their homes.

Weekend News Update: We now have confirmed reports that Candidate Parham hates Puppies, Kittens, and Bunnies. When asked about this Candidate Parham sneezed violently and had his private security detain the kitten brandishing reporter as a bio-terrorist.

Being weird is like being ill; you can either wallow in it or spread it around. Now I am both. Wallowing in illness while spreading weirdness from my death bed press desk here in West Central Cascadia. And what about Cascadia? The weird dream of a country apart from the United States and Canada. An ecotechtopia divorced from the greed and violence of our parent nations. I still long for it in my heart. That cataclysmic shift in politics that will represent a shift towards a more perfect union. Perhaps if it were to emerge as a regional political caucus that unified behind the Cascadian ideals. No Cascadia is about giving up the baggage of the American legacy. Even now as it takes a turn back towards greatness it still has proven itself a slow learning beast like the great Hegemonic empires it usurped. Only a faster leaner Democratic state can hope to establish itself as the new leader of global technology and green energy hegemony.

If America as a whole is to survive then it is only by Cascadian ideals becoming the national ideals. By throwing out the old ways of the North and the South and looking instead to a region that could and should remove itself as a sustainable Republic but will remain politically bound to aid it's parent state in its ailing age. Today I have realized I am not pure separatist. I am in fact a Cascadian Supremest. Leave behind the old political baggage and look to the rain soaked valleys and snow capped mountains of Cascadia. Give us the bully pulpit or we'll leave and take Intel and Microsoft and Apple and Nike with us. See how your economy does then.

Operation: Shocking Awesomeness!

Today Cascadian forces were greeted as liberators by the people of Hawaii. Now free of the yolk of consumer tourist oppression the people of Ilse Cascadia are free to return to an agrarian life style growing pineapple and cannabis for both domestic and foreign consumption. This War on Stupidity update was brought to you by the City of Portland's board of Tourism. Which would like to remind you; It doesn't rain in July... usually.

The Cascadian reconstruction will really be the best prescription for the survival of America. I hope to begin this work as soon as possible otherwise the green belt may have to jump ship. Maybe a union of Northwest Cannabis Growers and Distributors can band together their funds and buy up US Debt from China allowing the Northwest to leverage the U.S. Policies significantly. I would go to the tech firms to perform the buyout but honestly I trust pot farmers more then I trust corporations. No the unholy cyber trinity and Nike will have enough of a grip on us providing a large stake of the Cascadian Tax Revenue, if we are to privatize a part of our foriegn policy best to do it through agricultural interests. If that makes us a narco state so be it. I, personally, don't care for ominous labels or labeling the ominous.

Sometimes, in the back of my mind, I give up on Cascadia. I ponder how many of my would be Cascadians would follow me on a cross country spree of auto theft and drug crime before winding up in the Gulf of Mexico commandeering a boat and pillaging the Oil Fields and drug smuggling routes. I mention this at random while people are utterly wasted and everyone thinks I am joking. They all shout approving things about Rum and wenches. One of these nights I'll see how many of them will truly will answer the call. Take a bunch of drunken stoners far enough along a crime wave and it becomes self perpetuating. Manson proved that theory in his odd little social experiment.

What kind of fever madness have I succumb to now? Manson and piracy; I'll never get elected on that platform. Then again my campaign is to reach out to fellow Cannabis criminals, by saying; I am a criminal too and I need a job. In the day to day doldrums combined with the constant anxiety that I could be rousted as a criminal it is only natural to consider how you could embrace the stereotype. After all it was the eventual criminal excess of the bootlegging industry that helped alcohol prohibition. That combined with a need to boost the economy. Maybe a grass fueled criminal rampage is what this country needs to shock it out of stupidity. Good lord I sound like a drug terrorist! See the madness prohibition causes.

End it before the weird get desperate and you find your local city council hanging from flagpoles by bondage harnesses all with ball gags inscribed with the Cascadian Flag. End it before we waste one more tax dollar arresting a harmless pot smoker. End it before one more person is denied work or benefits over a consumption less harmful then alcohol. End it before our economy plunges deeper while an engine of profit remains in the hands of criminal enterprise. It's not fucking rocket science.