No real secret here. Anyone with some parental experience knows we have to somehow combine and aim for "Friendly Authority Figure." In my opinion, this holds true until age 18 if not through early 20s. If you're asking why not mix in more Friend and less Authoritarian, I'd say that the all‑around‑friend is the goal we're striving for: to have our children turn into pleasant, functional and independent adults who treat their parents like they would a good friend -and then some.

But how do we get there?

I think we're all aware that the first part of that goal, helping them turn into pleasant, functional and independent adults requires an authority figure. Chances are you're already doing -and if not, just wait-- everything mentioned on the Mom's Overture:

If you're drying your eyes and catching your breath after that videoclip, chances are you've got the Authoritarian part down pat.

One of the trickier parts of the goal mentioned above is pleasant, and that's because kids are copycats.

That's just one of the reasons why this rings true:

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said: "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

The reason this is funny is that it's quite likely I would utter something of the sort while I'm sweating it out in the kitchen, and it's even more likely that my child would imitate me, but chances are I AM HAPPY to spend time and effort so that I can share a meal with the people I invite into my home.

The only missing piece in the puzzle is the fact that kids don't know that. They don't have access to the context and your whole worldview UNLESS YOU TELL THEM.

Isn't that what being a friend means?

Remember to show your kids the full range of You.

Voice your own feelings ("I had a great/rotten day..."), opinions ("that [actor] was funny/annoying/pathetic"), random thoughts ("should we have spinach or broccoli pie for dinner?) and more serious dilemmas ("I wonder if I should...", "When do you think would be a better time for...?").

If toddlers are your companions these days, you probably don't want to overwhelm them by asking them these questions directly! But do let them hear you ask yourself (yes, out loud), your partner, or your friends.

When you say "Mommy's tired today", you're essentially doing the same thing: you're sharing your feelings. If you can get used to saying "I'm tired today", you'll be pushing the Authoritarian to the side a bit and letting the Friend in. It'll also make it easier to continue the habit of sharing your feelings with them when they're older.

With toddlers we can have pillow fights and tickle fights, blow bubbles at them, or streak each other with finger paints ("OK, OK --out in the yard, and only after we've finished this project...").

How do we let loose with older kids? We find fun activities that we can enjoy together. These can be simple at home pastimes such as watching a favorite TV series together, as well as more active and adventurous escapades, and even learning something new or taking a class together. Whatever it is, laugh and have fun while you're at it.

There's a certain age when it really is pretty impossible to find something you enjoy doing together. I remember when my son wanted to engage me in computer strategy games. The idea of spending MORE time at the computer, or worse, running the risk of becoming addicted to the game was unthinkable. What do you do then?

Well, here's a strategy you're probably familiar with: cut your losses. Compared to the prospect of sitting around and feeling miserable for an undetermined stretch of time while creating a castle and an army that I didn't really want in the first place, watching half an hour of Anime or Power Puff Girls (I hate both) seemed like breeze. Who thought I'd ever be thankful for commercials?

being an active and compassionate listener.

That means several things, all of which are demanding and don't come easily (at least to me).

• Be available. You can't schedule in their hurt or frown any more than you can their enthusiasm. That means you either have to be able to spend a lot of "quantity time" with your kids, or set yourself to be alert and attentive to your surroundings and prepare to be willingly distracted.
• Refrain from a (longwinded) verbal response. This is the one I find the hardest. Do snort, grunt, guffaw, etc. and pat, stroke, tousle their hair; in short, reach out and show your compassion. Anything beyond that (advice, suggestions, opinions) must be postponed to a later stage. It seems so unfair! I'm so good at offering advice (right? ;-))! The ideas are already swarming in my head and my lips begin to move... almost involuntarily. Unfortunately, this is predestined to be a perfect example of good intentions gone wrong.
• Offer support-gently. If she's passionate about something, express interest. If he's hurt, tell him it's obvious (even if you can't understand why yet; it only matters that you want to understand, eventually). You're the cheerleader and your team is up: go do the right thing!

Hopefully, once they grow older, it can become less of a balancing act. As they learn gradually to accept and follow social and interpersonal norms, our job as Authoritarians diminishes. Hopefully by then they will have recognized the Friend who all this time has been waiting patiently in the wings.