No, I'm being serious: holidays can actually be a lot of fun. If you can't be with your family, or if you'd rather not be with your family, here are some methods of finding merriment that are mostly inexpensive and that have been tested in several countries by seasoned professionals. They are grouped into lists on entertainment, volunteering, and food. . .

Entertainment (especially if you are in a foreign country):

• rent Terminator. Always a wonderful holiday classic. If the local video store only has copies that have been dubbed into Japanese (or Welsh, or whatever), try reading the subtitles aloud along with the actors. Fun for all ages. (Beer helps with this one -- especially Guinness, or Asahi Dry, for some reason. And I know what you're going to say: these are two totally different beer-drinking experiences. What can I tell ya? Imprinting at an early age helps.)
• Move house a few days before Christmas, so that your cat is disoriented, repeatedly runs back to your previous abode, and doesn't come that last time when you call his name -- as you stand there pathetically in the street, rattling the can of cat treats, alone. . . .
• have a house-to-house revolving dinner (more on this event is listed under "food") -- go to the first house for the appetiser, the second for the main course, the third for dessert, and the last for coffee, drinks, and Pictionary. The hosts only have one course to prepare, and the people stuck with catering the main course can have several of the guests bring side dishes. (It helps if all the guests are different nationalities and have totally different notions about how to celebrate the holiday in question.)
• Sleep. If you don't want to volunteer at the soup kitchen (and let's face it: there are always people at the local food drives who can carve turkey better, get more portions of pie onto more plates more neatly, clean pans better, and generally just volunteer better than others. You know who they are), then sleep is always a viable alternative. It doesn't matter which country or time zone you are in, as sleep is easy in any language.
• Pictionary. Only works really well with a large group of people who cannot speak each others' languages. Do not attempt while driving.

Volunteering:

• As I mentioned above, some folk are just plain good at volunteering. They know how many servings of turkey dressing to get from any-sized pans, how to balance the brussels sprouts so that the gravy pours through just right -- in short, there are some people who should be volunteering around food on the holidays, and some who shouldn't. Since I fall into the latter category, I'm going to look for a different kind of volunteering this year: at the hospital, maybe, or somewhere else where shifts are on twenty-four hours a day.

Food (especially if you are in a foreign country):

• The "house-to-house" trip I mentioned above works best if everyone prepares dishes from a different culture. Tsukiyaki and chips, anyone? Chocolate goes with anything, I've discovered. Try hot chocolate sauce over sliced turkey, if you don't believe me.
• Plan ahead. Find a store that sells holiday treats you simply can't do without, or order them online, so that you can be sure you have your Terry's Chocolate Orange no matter what country you're in.
• Adapt: so there's no plum pudding. Or mince pies. Take one bag of trail mix (unsalted), empty into a bowl. Add hot custard, and enjoy. Ah! It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas just thinking about it.
• Yeah, I know -- where does one find the custard mix? If you don't have a packet of Bird's in the cupboard (and apparently some folk don't), Ambrosia sell tinned custard that is delicious. Order ahead.
• Don't forget the cocktail sausages. These are only good when they are kept in the oven with the turkey until they are hard, half-crispy, half-solid entities formerly known as cocktail sausages. Why? We don't know. But they just wouldn't taste right any other way.

Seriously, though: holidays can be dangerous times of the year. It is easy to slip into memories, regrets, feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The incidence of suicide is highest over the holidays, we know, because that's when we are our most vulnerable. If you can't be with your family this year, please try to be with someone else's. Only decide to be alone if you know from experience that it's best for you. Avoid alcohol in favor of silly drinks you concoct with lemonade and a sprig of parsley. If you know of someone who might be on her own this year, give her a call -- she just might have a recipe for your favorite holiday pastry, or know how to get tsukiyaki stains out of the carpet. . . .