Becoming friends with your ex
94Frankly, this is a hub I never thought I would write less than a year ago.
But I suppose it happens to the best of us.
Sometimes things don't work out with someone you date or even become seriously involved with. Of course this is a tragedy, but it doesn't need to be.
So maybe it didn't work out with that person you thought you'd love your whole life. It doesn't mean you can't see him or her anymore, talk to them like you used to, or even hang out with them.
There must have been a reason that you loved them in the first place.
I think it's a shame for couples to break up and then never really speak again unless if their relationship wasn't the greatest in the first place. I believe that good friends are never in large enough supply and we can't afford to lose them.
However, this can be difficult. No matter how close you were before, a break-up can make things especially uncomfortable.
The one thing I believe is necessary in repairing what you once had and starting anew without the previous status you held with that person before is TIME. Just give it time.
Give yourself enough space to realize who you are and to let things cool down. Hanging out again and doing the same old thing too early can ruin friendships or take you steps backward.
At first it might seem impossible to even imagine going back to anything near what you had before, if only friendship.I thought it would be the hardest thing to do, but several months later I finally figured it out. It was hard to know if I still like my ex, if I wanted to move on, and then when I did decide I wanted to move on, I wasn't sure how I was going to fit him into the life I wanted.
So the next hard part was to decide how we were going to be. You have to decide what you would want from a relationship with your ex, what your motives and goals are, if it's just lust, etc. I was seeing someone else at that point, so obviously I couldn't hang out the way I used to. So the next piece of advice I have to give is BE HONEST.
You have to be frank with your ex and, if applicable, with your new significant other. You can't lie and say to one that you're not hanging out with the other if you are. You can't say they mean more or less than they really do. You have to tell the truth so that things can fall into place and so you're not creating a story that will fail to materialize successfully.
This also means you have to be true to yourself. You have to respect yourself and realize what you want. Sometimes this might hurt, but you only have one life. Come away with no regrets.
Be kind and considerate. Try to remember why you broke up in the first place and why you didn't get along so you don't do those same things again. Remember what you learned from your relationship with that person and put it into effect. This is not the time to quarrel or to be self-righteous; you gave up those things when you guys broke up.
It took me a little while to try out a few things, see what I was comfortable with and what I wanted from my ex after we broke up. I can't say I did everything perfectly, but I am happy in general with how things turned out. Now we talk regularly, friendly, and can be around each other without being awkward, like... friends.
Additional advice
- Should You Be Friends with Your Ex?
Should you be friends with your ex? Can you be friends after breaking up? Find out the pros and cons of reverting back to a friendship after a romantic relationship. - Eons: Staying friends with your "ex"
Eons: the premier web destination for loving life on the flipside of 50. Community, Tools, Games and Resources for people over the age of 50. Make new friends and participate in lively conversations about hobbies, relationships, money, health, jobs,
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Comments
i'm still best friends with my ex. I still love him but I was the one to break up with him. I love him but it just wouldn't work out. He is now in relationship and at first i was jealous and then I realized that was ridiculous
I still love my ex ... for whatever good person he was .....
I'm good friends with most of my exes - but we had to reset the relationship and start again. Because we had to work out new ways to relate to each other.
The funny thing is they ring me to ask me advice on their current girlfriends/wives - and a few times I've given the advice to help them deal with whatever bad behaviour they did - and thought to myself 'phew! Thank god i'm not with him!'
I really truly believed that the two of us were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Everything seemed to be in motion. We dated through college and then she dropped the bomb on me: Poof! It was over. Once I thought to buy her an engagement ring to get her back! How delusional was that? I'm not certain that we can be friends. Everything is so complicated, as she's now married and has a daughter...Life goes on, right?
Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone! They're all different, which shows that it can be difficult to give advice, as manwhisperer explained. I think there are common threads... Basically, breaking up can cause you to do crazy things! I'm friends with one of my exes, but not the other
great post. Many people do not believe you can be friends with your ex, but my exwife is still my best friend. Anyone can do it if they are willing to put aside their ego and talk with their ex about how they feel.
Yep, tried to be friends with an ex for the good I once saw in him, but quickly realised that all that good was gone. Such is life, eh? At least I was around to catch the glimpse of someone good :)
I loved him like no other. I am still in love with him. I would've been his wife. I am still in love with him. I broke up with him not because I wanted but because I had to. He has issues with jealousy and possessiveness and anger. I am still in love with him. I cannot be just friends with him.
Thank you both for bringing up a good point: sometimes it's best not to be friends with an ex, for whatever reason. I admit that I'm friends with one but not another.
I have a fiance and a daughter and i still love my ex but there is a difference from loving someone and being in love. i'll always be there for her. her last boyfriend died in a crash recently not even 3 months ago and i feel terrible. But there are some ex's that leave that good memory and i will support her till the end
Good advice!
That's a unusual story, Rthoughts, but very honest and I appreciate that you shared it! Thanks to you and Ebower!
it depends! i am good friends with most of my exes but not with the other because when your ex cheats, you're not to remain friends. Its pathetic!
My ex was a cheat too, not someone I'd want to stay friends with! Look honestly, it's a personal choice, but sometimes they just don't deserve to be your friend afterwards!
Fair enough!
I don't think you should become friends with your ex. Their your ex for a reason. And if it didn't work out when yall were in a relationship, why would you wanna become friends with them. And you know yall don't wanna hear about who yall dating now and stuff. And what else can yall talk about besides when yall used to date. That's not gonna do anything but bring back memories
its pretty hard to stay friends after a breakup with someone for sure. again like someone else said its a personal choice.
My guy broke up with me, connected with my replacement even before his final move out date....did not let the dust settle as he claimed was his intention...that REALLY hurt....and then after only a couple weeks, bought her some sexy underwear. I guess he likes the thrill of the chase, and has a pattern of breaking someones heart about every 'six months" - but Gosh, when there are children involved it just seems cruel. He said he misses our "friendship". I was a wonderful lover too and i find that the way he exited created a sense of disrespect that renders me unable to continue on as "Friends'... am i being childish when i do realize how rare cherished friends really are?
My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago. It's been really tough and I would love to talk to him but he has absolutelt no desire to be friends with me and says he needs time. I thought 3 months was a lot of time. I guess he just really does not want to maintain a friendship..
Friendship isn't for every broken-up couple... I don't have the desire to be friends with my last ex, and I think he's okay with that too. If that's not what they want, then it's not meant to be; if it is, then it will happen in time. In my experience, three months isn't long at all... I was shot down by a friend, and it's been almost a year and a half.
I broke up 2 months back.We were together for 2 years.He has betrayed me,been rude ,mean everything possible..But i still love him! We decided to be friends aftr the break up.. But he neglects me totally.He knows how important it is for me to talk to him so that i can concentrate on my studies and future but still.. he wdn't even try.Pls gimme a way to keep myself happy..i'm ruining my life.I take care of all his emotional needs.. i can't stop that and be like him.what should i do ?
I think being A friend to your ex is a good idea.But when you are in another relationship,then i will advise you be a friend of you partner. nothing more or less
Angel, he doesn't sound worth it at all. When people are deliberately cruel like that, it just goes to show there really are better fish in the sea if you're willing to look.
Peter, I agree! Not doing so can cause a world of trouble.
Please read this hub about a woman was battered because she stayed and married a man that no longer respected her. Then be strong enough and gather some SELF esteem and make your self happy to meet another happy deserving person.
http://hubpages.com/hub/-Love-doesnt-live-here-any
I once dated a man that all of a sudden didn't feel the same way about me our relationship was ruined.
Now years later he wants to be my husband and for a year now has been trying to get me back.
I had to become happy for myself first, low self esteem is not attractive nor is abuse or disrespect.
Esllr, thanks for offering this additional perspective on relationships with exes. I didn't even consider this, but it's a huge issue.
I'm glad you were able to be happy for yourself and to realize what you really want.
myslykemeeh says:
12 months ago
Well, being friend with an ex- is cool but getting back with him isn't cool. Friendship is just safe as it.