Coming from a military family means that dad isn't always around for some of life's defining occasions. However, he was by chance back in the country on the date of my graduation. Being his first trip to Coventry, we went for an evening beer and he asked which one I recommended. Pointed out several which were OK, I opined that brew X was terrible. It was a seminal moment! He put his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eye and said, "No beers are bad beers, son. Some are just better than others". Here's thinking of you still, dad.

Modern beers [for commercial sale or home-brewing] can basically be divided into one of two types: ales and lagers - these varieties can be sub-divided myriad times. Without going into too much detail [because it’s my Hub and I can do that] here's a personal perspective. I’d say that lagers [usually lighter is colour] need to be very chilled before drinking, whereas ales should be cool but NOT really cold to appreciate their more complex flavours. Traditionally, British ales were supposed to be cellar temperature for the best taste, ie. a few degrees cooler that room temperature. Of course, the Comments may ring with jeers about warm British beer but that's what the section is for, n’est pas?

The devine nectar has had a long and half-remembered [hic!] history alongside mankind in many roles. Beers have made appearances in religious activities; as thirst quenching sources; providers of social lubrication [aka. Dutch Courage] and as vehicles of seduction. The latter point may be debated though. After an informal survey of all my friends, both guys declared they were so full of charm that beer was not required as a prelude to intimacy…..as far as they can remember.

In researching this Hub, I chanced across a delightful website called Beer Church. I am indebted to them for spiritually enlightening me regarding that whole 'water into wine' scenario in the Good Book. As a kid, I knew I was supposed to be listening and getting saved while at church - not glancing surreptitiously at the football results in the Sunday paper. Worryingly, I may have been misinformed perhaps as punishment for my inattention , Apparently, wine was the tipple de jour of the of the Haves, not the beer-drinking plebeians that our man JC was hanging out with at that wedding. Beer Church suggests the evidence clearly points to the fact that JC actually turned water into beer, not wine. Check it out at: http://www.beerchurch.com/Default.aspx?PageContentID=27&tabid=331 

I feel such a sense of relief that my beer drinking activities have actually been sanctioned by the cosmic divinity; I have not fallen off the straight and narrow after all – Hallelujah!

Beer and good company have long gone together. Beer stimulates the mind [at least initially] and leads to great conversation which, in turn, may lead to wit. Though given its amnesia-inducing qualities, I assume the designated drivers had pen and paper ready. Here are a few of my favourites.

Frank Zappa: "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."

Benjamin Franklin: “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

During these difficult economic times, this is pertinent........

........."Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed - Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'" -Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Or, from the past...: "He was a wise man who invented beer." – Plato

…to the present: "All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." - Homer Simpson

Not all the quotes I found were prescient: "Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world," announced Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm. Smart fellow, thought I, and married sweet Barbara, who drank beer. Up to now, Pinky and The Brain have achieved more global conquest than I have, meanwhile she became an ex-spouse and he, an ex-monarch.

Final words should go to one of the English-speaking world’s most famous families:

"No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer."
-John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
-Winston Churchill

"Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop."
-Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
-His reply

Amongst many, these sites are smile sources: http://www.tobp.com/other/beer_quotes.shtml & http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art11200.asp

It's not just the beer drinkers that have a sense of humour; brewers as well and can use it well for marketing. Here are some of my favourites:

Arrogant Bastard Ale: This brew has a delightful rear label that I have tried unsuccessfully to stick into this article many times. I'm sorry, Hubbers, you'll just have to find the brew and read it. Just remember: "You are Worthy"!

Wasatch's Utah Brewery makes a delightfully named Polygamy Porter. The label states, "Why have just one"! While the ad line is, "Take some home to your wives". It wouldn't be so effective if it was brewed anywhere other than Utah.

The Smaltz Brewing Co. has spotted the profit [prophet?] in having a devine theme; it brews "He'Brew - the Chosen Beer"

It would seem that a beer drinker is a beer drinker is a beer drinker, and that may be so. However, the why’s and wherefore’s of consumption vary greatly. There are countries, many in northern Europe, where beer is consumed as a means to reach that alcoholic nirvana; it’s a serious business. In some places I’ve spent time, Sicily for example, beer drinking has been a much more leisurely activity. For most though, it’s sometimes restrained and other times, well, yeah…on to the next subject in case my mother reads this.

When in Britain, self-service rules; don't wait for the waiter!. Most ordinary pubs don’t do table service. I have watched tourists enter, take a seat and await the arrival of their server: hours, days, generations may pass by. It’s such a sad sight to see the emergency services hooking up an IV because of dehydration. Go to the bar and order your drink.

Should you be from the US, however, don’t forget that Brits and Americans can’t organise themselves to agree on measurements. The US pint will deliver 16ozs of amber nectar whilst the UK version will fill you with 20ozs.

Finger-clicking or loud requests for service, while fine in many places, are a big no-no in the UK, the US and numerous other countries. In Britain, such attempts to secure a beer have unfortunate medical outcomes on the bar staff. At the first hint of clicked fingers the unfortunate soul is stricken with complete blindness and deafness. Even when directly in front of you, the barman will be totally unable to see you. Such debilitating attacks seem to last for however long you remain on the premises, but generally do not require hospitalisation.

What’s the deal with tipping? Here in the US, tipping is de rigueur. On the other hand, bar staff do not expect to receive a tip in the UK. To prevent my commiting even more faux pas than usual, I would be grateful for comments from other hubbers as to the situations in countries they are familiar with.

Britain

The Old Country was going to the dogs [beer-wise] as the UK entered the final quarter of the 20th century. A few independent brewers had held out but most beers were bright, bubbly drinks that would clearly have tasted like the gnat's water they were, except they were so cold you couldn't tell. An organisation called CAMRA rode in like the cavalry to save the day. They pointed out that beer drinkers were being duped by marketing men. Real beers revived and the country was saved!

Germany

These guys make some pretty good brews, especially lagers. A real plus for consumers in these days of 'additives' is German brewers' adherence to their centuries-old purity laws.

Belgium

This pint-sized country [pun intended] should be on the destination list of every beer-loving traveller. Light ones, dark ones, strong ones, weak ones, Belgium has them all. Given the number of brews produced in monasteries, I think that not only did Jesus actually change water to beer, not wine, but he also handed down the recipes to the Belgians.

Italy

Some really good red wines....enough said!

The USA

On arriving here in the 90s, it felt as if the big, silver bird had inadvertently landed in beer hell. There was a liquid calling itself the king of beers. Alluding to monarchy in a republic always seemed a bit suspect, Then there were the ongoing references to brewing in a city a mile high. I thought Mile High was some sort of club one joined after successfully coping with really cramped conditions in airborne bathrooms.

Boy, have things changed! There has been a spectacular rise in craft brewing in the last ten years. Americans have every right to be proud of the variety and quality of beers available here. Sadly, the only US beer to have gained fame across the Atlantic is Budweiser, so Brits have no idea what is actually available.

Saudi Arabia

What's beer?