Many of us still believe that marriage is a sacred bond between two individuals that are committed to sharing their lives together.  We want to believe that this is an eternal commitment that will continue even after the " death do us part."  An eternal commitment is the very foundation of romantic love.

I believe marriage should be approached as a spiritual joining of two families which brings strength and honor and longevity.  The spiritual joining is no gurantee that the marriage will be successful but for people with religous convictions, this approach to marriage will have a sacred purpose and be harder to throw away on a whim.

Too often, marriage is approached as a contractual arrangement between two couples. This is often called a civil union where considerations of property and assests and even citizenship are a priority. Not surprisingly, this type of arrangement is likely doomed from the start.

A contractual arrangement often entails a prenuptial agreement which spells out what each individual is entitled to when the marriage is dissolved. You approach this type of arrangement with a predetermined idea that the marriage may not last. There is little room for romance when there is no eternal commitment.

This is not to say there is no love in this type of approach to marriage, only that love is lower on the list of priorities.

There are pitfalls in both these approaches to marriage that will kill the romance, destroy the commitment, and ultimately end the marriage.  Outlined below are seven key questions that need to be answered prior to marriage in order to handle these pitfalls as they may arise. 

1.       Do you and your partner accept each other as you are?  Too often, a commitment has been made to a relationship with an unrealistic notion that bad habits can be changed later.  Some habits can change over time such as smoking, drinking.  But other habits that make up the persons personality are most likely unchangeable, such as laziness, sloppiness, and extreme frugality.

2.       Do you like each other?  If your partner is not your best friend and confidant, then you stand to put a wedge in the relationship before it even starts. 

3.       Are your values compatible?  Not only should you have similar values but also your values should have the similar priority levels.  For instance, if one partner values family, faith and generosity and the other partner values family, hard work and frugality, then you can see where a rift may form.

4.       Are you compatible in the way you communicate?  Being able to mutually express your feelings, your wants and your needs is key to a healthy marriage.  Problems arise when one person is "me, me, me," and the other person is "I don't want to talk about it right now."  Communicating means talking and listening in a way that adds value to the conversation.

5.       Are you compatible in your optimism?  Having hope for a bright future and a "can do" attitude will always prevail over the negativity that sometimes enters a marriage when the stresses of everyday life start to feel overwhelming. 

6.       Are you compatible in your spiritual growth?  Of course, spirituality is not a prerequisite for getting married.  However, when one partner is spiritual and the other is not then complications will arise eventually.  For Christians, spiritual growth is the lifelong path one follows to become more like Christ.  For other religions it is a path to enlightenment.  And for the non religious, spiritual growth is an impediment to their religious belief system.

7.       Can you both agree that love alone is not enough?  As romantic a notion can be, love alone cannot conquer everything.  All of the above must be taken into considerations prior to getting married.  If there is little of the above then how can there be love?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/relationships.html A great resource for finding information regarding dating, marriage, and family.

http://www.oprah.com/topics/relationshipsThe leader on mainstream relationship issues that affect how we live, love and laugh together.

http://home.marsvenus.com/This is the online home of Dr. John Gray, Ph.D., relationship guru and author of the best selling "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."