Whichever way you slice it, rejection stings, but it doesn't have to hurt. And if we learn from it, it can be a good thing. Being rejected triggers hurt and anger, fear, doubts and thoughts of revenge. Eventually you come to deal with the rejection one way or another. And it's how you deal with it that counts.

We're not born with the coping skills for handling rejection. We learn how; hopefully, from a wise and wonderful person who cares. But often times, as children, we learn about rejection when our parents divorce, or we are ostracized at school, cut from the cheerleading squad or the football team. Rejection deals a major blow to our sense of self-worth, particularly during our tender years. And without timely, proper guidance in dealing with the emotional fall-out of rejection, we won't learn how to cope the next time.

My first memorable experience with rejection, from outside the family, occurred in high school. My three brothers and I were the only blacks out of nearly 1200 students during the 60s. If you are old enough, or know your history, you know times were rough. For my brothers, big and strong athletes, most encounters were handled by intimidation. There weren't any girl's sports. I wasn't a jock, though I managed to deal with situations. I was fortunate. My mother had also gone through this same school system 20 plus years before me. Not much had changed. But I was able to talk to her about what was happening. And just talking about it helped. Now did I like her advice? No! She told me to ignore it and it would go away. It didn't.

I was in class one day. I had just identified the boy who repeatedly called me the N word in the hall. I was two seats behind him and one row to the right. I kept looking at the back of his head and my anger won out. I picked up my big, thick English Lit book, got up and nailed him across the head and down he went. (Of course now days, I'd have been hauled in for assault.) I was ordered to the principal's office. Instead, I walked out of school and the four miles home. I was still seething when I came through the door. I think the whole school learned what happened. Oddly, I wasn't suspended. And I didn't hear the N word again in the halls of junior high school (now known as middle school).

But then there was senior high school, and the guy that called me Mammy. So you see, violence didn't solve my problem. I still had to learn to cope with my hurt and anger.

I waged my first non-violent protest during History class. As it happened, my History teacher was prejudice. I had watched him intimate my brother until he walked out of school and never returned. When my time came I was determined he would not run me. We were studying the Civil War. I was asked a question. I didn't have the answer. This teacher charged across the room, towered above me, shouting and pointing his finger in my face. Why don't you know the answer..!?

At that moment, I saw my brother's back as he walked out of school. I looked up at this towering creature. (I wouldn't call him a teacher.) I closed my History book and never opened the book nor said another word in class for the rest of the quarter. I came to class. My book remained closed, and I faced him down day after day.

I learned something very important. It doesn't matter what happens to you or by whom, it is how you take control of the situation. I was empowered. I had taken control. I knew I'd get an F, but I also knew I had a three plus grade point average. I had planned to retake History. I did, got a B. And I enjoyed learning about history from a teacher who really wanted to teach.

This was a turning point in my life. Through being rejected, I learned to turn it around into something positive. I grew stronger. I became a better student. I did a lot of extra credit projects in Biology, receiving positive re-enforcement from yet another wonderful teacher. I was one credit shy of graduating in my junior year.

Since my high school days, I've faced countless rejections and if I'm lucky I'll face many more. I have learned that rejection isn't always direct like being turned down for a date or receiving a rejection letter. Rejection is a feeling of "not being", like you're not good enough, not smart enough or not loved.

I've learned that when I am rejected, feel rejected, receive a rejection letter, whatever negatives come at me, I can and should immediately turn them into a positive.

• So if your proposal isn't accepted at work, take the hit. Reevaluate the project. If you feel the project has worth, put in the time. Do further research and development. Review your presentation methods and your audience. Maybe you need another approach. Regardless, don't stop, present it again.
• If you receive a rejection letter from an editor, write another article; write two.
• If a prototype your design doesn't work just the way you envisioned, revise the design.

Personally, I choose to stack the deck, piling on positive life experiences that far out weigh the negatives.

Don't accept someone else's word on your life. I believe it was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: It is difficult to get and A if you are afraid of getting an F.

I'm not a psychiatrist, clergy or analyst; I'm just a student of life. Here are a few good sites you may want to visit for some fun and serious advice on coping with rejection.

http://www.coping.org/relations/reject.htm

http://net-burst.net/hot/cope.htm