Why Marriage Goes Wrong And How To Save It

Talk to any two people whose marriage has failed, and you may be astonished at how differently they remember their married life, and how differently they interpret the reasons for their split. You'd think that two people who've lived together for years would be on each other's wavelength, wouldn't you? But obviously, they weren't - and right there is the reason their marriage didn't make it, and the secret to making sure yours doesn't go the same way.

Marriage can't survive without communication. The less you talk to each other, and the more you assume that your partner should know how you feel, the more likely it is that he has absolutely no idea how you feel at all! And vice versa. If you're always talking to your girlfriends about your man or your relationship, but never talking to him, that's a dangerous sign that communication is seriously lacking in your marriage.

So if you want to put a shaky marriage back on solid foundations, communication is the first pillar you must fix.

We all have a different "world view" - the sum of all our opinions, expectations and needs relating to other people and the world around us. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, we all have a bad habit of assuming everyone else has the same world view we do. In fact, everyone is different - and that's how misunderstandings about feelings and desires arise.

If you're lucky and have married someone who has a similar world view, then you may not need much discussion to stay in synch. But as I said, most people are different, so the less you check in with each other, the more likely it is that you're both busily making assumptions about the other person that are wildly off the mark. Unless you communicate, the two of you could be living in completely different worlds.

One of the key things to communicate about is emotional needs.

Having our needs satisfied is the most fundamental source of happiness known to man. On the most basic level - if we're hungry and we eat a good meal, we're happy. If we're cold and we put on a warm fluffy wrap, we're happy. If those needs aren't met, then we stay hungry and cold, and we're not happy.

The same principle works for other needs, too. Human beings have all kinds of emotional needs. Although they're not concrete, they're just as real, and can cause just as much happiness (or distress).   For instance, if we're lonely and someone showers us with love and affection, we're happy - if not, we're depressed. If we dream of being a dancer and someone gives us a chance to perform, we're happy - if not, we're disappointed and frustrated.

The problem is, different people have different emotional needs. Even a simple emotion like love is actually a complex web of emotional needs. For instance, most lovers feel the need for regular reassurance that their partner still loves them, but the type of "reassurance need" varies from person to person.

1. Some people need to hear their partner talk about love
2. Some people need the physical expression of love, in touch, kisses and cuddles
3. Some people need gifts as evidence of love, like flowers and restaurant meals
4. Some people need to feel cherished and looked after

Most people have a mixture of these needs, but one will always be dominant. If your partner's "reassurance need" is very different from yours, it can mean your need isn't met.

For instance, my husband is definitely a "4". In his world view, so long as he is cherishing me and keeping me safe, that's all that matters. To him, options 1 to 3 are unnecessary, shallow demonstrations of love and a waste of time. Unfortunately I'm a 1, and for a while I really started to think he didn't love me! Luckily I was able to discuss it with him and now he understands my needs, and remembers to text me a love note or whisper in my ear now and then.

Many people make the mistake of sacrificing their needs for the sake of their partner or their children. It's never a good idea, because needs are so basic to our happiness, so we can't help feeling a hint of sorrow and resentment at their loss - no matter how worthwhile the cause! That sorrow and resentment builds in our subconscious over the years, eating away at our wellbeing.

For instance, many people have a "creative need". Like the reassurance need - and all the other needs - if your creative need isn't met, you can never be truly happy. Yet many of us give up the pursuits that would satisfy that need. Perhaps you gave up dancing because your partner hates it, or amateur dramatics because your husband disapproves. Maybe you sacrificed your jewellery-making hobby because it was too expensive, or art because you didn't have the time.

No matter how much you love your partner, you can't be happy in a relationship if it prevents you fulfilling your needs. Time and again, when you analyze why a marriage breaks up, you'll find that's the bottom line.

But how can two people live in the same house for years, and still not understand each other's most basic needs and aspirations? Two possible reasons. One is, perhaps you haven't quite worked out what you want yourself! You just know that whatever it is, you ain't gettin' it. If you can't work out what you need, then you can't blame your partner for not giving it to you. So the first step to fixing your marriage is to work out what you do want.

But let's say you do know what your needs are. The next step is to let your partner know what they are, and work out a way to have your needs met. There are two ways that can be achieved, depending on what the need is.

If it's something you need from your partner - like my need to have my husband tell me he loves me - then you'll need to get a commitment from him (or her) that they will try to change their behaviour. That's never an easy thing to do, so it's a good idea to agree a "prompt" that you can give, without sounding like a nag, if they forget and relapse into old behaviours.

If it's something that you need to do yourself, like taking an art class or joining a singing group, then it's best to be specific about how you'll both make the time available for that to happen. Don't settle for a vague agreement that you'll be free to go one evening - agree which night(s) it will be and for how long, and what arrangements will be made to free you up to go (babysitters, your partner making their own dinner, etc.).

For many couples, the hardest part of this process is starting the conversation. If you haven't spoken to each other about needs and feeling for years, it can be hard to make a start - which is why so many couples seek a professional counsellor, at least for the first session. 

If working on your needs doesn't seem to be helping your relationship, or if your partner refuses to cooperate, then, sadly, it may be time to accept that the marriage doesn't have a future.

Before you give up altogether, I recommend reading an excellent book called Stay or Go - should I leave my marriage? It covers a wide range of different marital problems and helps you assess whether they are fixable, or deal-breakers. It's also a good book to share with your partner.

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All text copyright Marisa Wright.  Photo thanks to Mirko Macari.