Big on Buddies
65What I’m about to write is going to seem unremarkable to
most people brought up in a different cultural context, perhaps even juvenile.
Hear me out though because it has great bearing on the type of person I am and
where I’ve reached since I was a plump, benign cherub smiling toothlessly at
the nurses in an obscure Indian hospital many decades ago.
Having established the geographical location of my birth,
and the general time frame, let me get on with my musings. I’ve been thinking
about friends lately. It’s an area I’ve been particularly lucky with, starting
with those nurses who I hear didn’t want to let me out of their sight! My
mother was quite happy to have someone else dandle me on their knees while she
caught up with much needed sleep, and accommodating little thing that I was, I
wasn’t particularly discriminating about who entertained me back then. Or
perhaps I wasn’t awake long enough to care.
But I digress, as I’m wont to when I’m not altogether sure
what I want to say! Let’s see if I can put it in perspective. When I was a child growing up in small town India,
co-educational schools were not the norm. Girls went to schools for girls and
boys attended boys’ schools and usually there was a mighty big wall between the
two. It followed that if you were a girl your friends were mostly other girls.
Boys were just some creatures who nabbed all the best seats on the school bus.
(Mighty wall or not, they shared the same bus.)
I grew up exchanging confidences with other girls and rarely
did a boy and his rough-and-tumble preoccupations cross my path. At home we
were two girls again, and it wasn’t until my nephew bawled his way into the
world many, many years later did we realise how little boys could change a
household. Interestingly, for all the girls peppering my existence with their
girl-talk and sometimes pungent observations, I was pretty much a tomboy. I
think I behaved like that out of sympathy for my father who found himself in
the middle of an all-female household. As the sole male he lived in a constant
state of bafflement.
College was co-educational, for all the good it did me.
Safely ensconced within my group of friends from school, I didn’t feel any
urgent need to breech the gender barrier. Besides, having grown up a tomboy, I
hadn’t managed to acquire any of the feminine wiles that perked up the interest
of boys fresh out of an all-boys school. So I stuck to my books, and listened
indulgently when my friends tried to fathom the way male minds worked. Well,
ok, let’s be honest here: it wasn’t the mind they were largely concerned with
back then.
It was only when I entered the workforce that I realised
that men were not just overgrown schoolboys with raging hormones. Well, not all
of them at any rate. In fact some of them could be downright interesting to
talk to. I found I got along pretty well with male colleagues, quite possibly
because none of them registered I was female anyway! (I still hadn’t learnt to
flutter my eyelashes or posture coquettishly.) Somewhere along the way I
discovered the intriguing concept of male buddies – men who were friends and
nothing more – and it was a truly liberating experience.
Like I mentioned before, those of you from a different
cultural background will probably not understand this. What’s the big deal
about having friends of the opposite gender you might think. That’s because
where you come from boys and girls generally grow up together – they attend the
same schools and engage in more or less the same pastimes, and it’s not
uncommon for a girl to have really good male friends, and vice versa. In India, and
perhaps many other Asian countries, the lines are very firmly drawn, and only
just recently have things changed to an extent.
The strange thing is that as I grow older I find I have more
in common with male buddies than female friends. Don’t get me wrong – I have
plenty of very good female friends, some of whom I’ve known since we were
classmates in school, and I love them dearly. Nothing quite beats a giggle fest with the girls! But, for some reason
the term ‘buddy’ tends to connote a male – I don’t think my female friends,
with all their feminine attributes, will thank me for calling them buddies!
When you can talk to a male friend about anything ranging from the effects of PMS to the state of the country without him reminding you that you’re only a woman, you know you’ve found a buddy. When you can mourn the demise of your cheekbones and shamelessly drool over food without worrying about being judged, you know you’ve found a great pal. I’ve found a few and this is a tribute to them. As buddies go, they’re the best, regardless of their unfortunate tendency to tease me rather unmercifully! The good thing is they let me retaliate. What more does a girl need?
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Nice one Ash .. guess you've been thinking seriously lately eeeeeks :P
My world has been kinda opposite. I realized long time ago, that guys made the best friends and had them till recently. I got closer with girls only in later years, perhaps when I felt more comfortable about myself. And have a few dear ones across the globe.
Merciless teasing? Even though you don't want it? hmmm ;)
Right or wrong there are gender roles for each culture and I understand where you're coming from. But fortunately for all of us we learn more about the bees and the flowers as we mature and later on realize that in friendship (or buddydom), gender becomes incidental and almost a nonissue.
An insightful hub FP, thanks for sharing :D
Very much the same school scenario where I grew up. But things were different around home, we were a huge group of boys and girls playing together and entered adolescence together, noted the physical and mental changes with puberty and young adulthood... it helped understand the aliens from Venus much better ;-)
And likewise for the girls :-)
Today however, even with the best girl friends that I have, the level of confidence is not the same at with my gentlemen friends. And mind you I still retain my childhood friends, most of them, males and females :-)
FP, you just get better and better (like old wine dare I say)
Reminds me of boarding school. Used to have socials (as they were called) with our sister school (an all-girls institution) one Sunday a month. An event that was awaited eagerly. But come the great day, and the boys would huddle in one corner, scared s___ less, the girls in the other. The music would blare - Elvis with his love songs -(perhaps not as loudly as these days) and after a few desultory hours, the girls would go back and we would return to our dorms.
PS - I still behave like that most times
Probably because of history and circumstance, i dont believe in purely platonic friendships. They have a way of developing over time and some trigger circumstance changes the relationship forever. Ask my Ex. There are many books and movies on the subject too.
I loved this hub, because it made me think back to my growing up days.My father would have loved to have locked me away in a convent, but I grew up with three brothers and was a typical tomboy.I didn't know to flirt then or even now.
I have always found that males make more understanding friends...or maybe they are just too chivalrous to shut you up, when you are moaning about something trivial.I do have some wonderful female buddies though...and they don't mind me calling them buddies :P
I like what Cris said-as we grow older, gender becomes incidental in friendship. I have been finding that as I and my friends grow decrepit, there is little that we do not share...men and women alike.
BirteEdwards, it's not right to generalise I know, and I'm sure others face the same issues, because finally we're not all that different regardless of where we come from.
Uma, you think I ask to be teased, huh? Some of us are just born to be ragged...sigh.
You're right Chris, gender does become a non-issue, and that's the wonderful thing about aging! :P
Ravin, I'm sure many like you are more comfortable with friends of their own gender. Each to his own. :)
Thank you Sabu. :) Our school had socials too, with the boys from over the mighty wall...and they often turned out the way yours did...hehe.
sixtyorso, platonic friendships have been debated for eons, and while many don't believe in them, I've always felt they're entirely possible. In fact I think I'm a living example that they work! :)
Diana, it's such a wonderful feeling to be able to ramble on with friends without wondering what they're thinking about you, isn't it? :)
Thanks for reading, all of you!
An aside...has anyone noticed the related hubs here? Hahaha!!
Nobody seems to have mentioned gays here. I worked in a company that was predominately gay and I found they are wonderful friends for women. That was long ago and several are still my friends.
GW, I hear gay men make great friends, but here I'm talking about straight men crossing the gender hurdle without too much angst! :P
I think I always felt a little awkward around most women and some men, through most of my life. That's why I came across as stiff or unsociable when that is not how I felt. Friendship has been difficult. But now that my wife and I have been around a long time -- the bodies and interests have changed, the children have come and gone (or are going) -- the happiest and most secure thing in my life is my friendship with my wife.
"The greatest change will happen when you stop Believing that you need to change. Much of what we imagine will become reality"..I always was very shy as a youngster and am the eldest of 4 girls, my dad being the only male influence I had for many years...but for some reason till this day Males seem better friends..I have more Women friends though and have had some since the 5th garde...we still see each other and chat etc.
Males just are easier to get along with...for me LOL :O) Hugs
I'm convinced that as we mature, gender is NOT a relevant criteria for friendship - and I, too, am a living example of platonic friendships with the opposite sex!
F P You have written an awesome hub. I like your writing style very much. In my culture, I was Always chasing those girl buddies & really couldn't be bothered with the average guy thing that my less mature male friends carried on with. No I'm Not Gay. I have always appreciated what I appreciate in having you as a buddy. Just Be...
I liked the line "could be downright interesting to talk to" ! That is great! Once in a while you do meet a guy who can carry on a conversation without staring at your chest the whole time.. That's been my experience, anyhoo.
Steve, my husband was a great buddy before he ever became a spouse and I'm happy to say he is still a really good friend! :)
G-Ma, will I be letting the side down if I agree that most men are easier to get along with than women? Somehow their preoccupations are rather more simple! :P
Jmell, glad we're on the same page here! :)
Pearldiver, when did you get time from all that surfing you engage in to chase girl buddies? :P Thanks for your comment!
Hehe Candie, don't be such a cynic...I'm sure there are many of those out there! :D
A great hub on a subject I would never have thought of. You've made me reflect on the nature of my own friendships, FP. And I see similarities ... an all boys convent school followed by a boys only military academy boded only male buddies. Later, over time there have been very close and dear lady friends with whom one gels so well.
Friendship - really close friendship - is about understanding and accepting the good, the bad and the evil in each other, and being a close confidante during the ups and downs of life. There is so much comfort and joy in having a friend who knows and accepts you with your weaknesses and strengths as they actually are.
Gender doesn't have much to do with such a friendship. Maybe members of the opposite gender were precluded in the earlier years because one did not have the same confidence around them.
Is it then the self confidence that one acquires with age and experience that makes us willing and able to open up to someone with similar views and values, without prejudice to his/her gender?
Hi FP, this is a great article. For me, it was reverse though, in high school and early 20's, I had many male best friends. But, when we all started to get involved in serious relationships with others we found that we could no longer be friends without our partners becoming jealous. Where I am from a man or woman can't be just friends without everyone thinking that they are in a serious relationship. If they are married the rumors can get even worse. I do understand what you are talking about. I really enjoyed and cherished my friendships with the opposite sex.
Talking of 'related hubs', how's this one: Sexy abroad girls new must see photos!? Must check out the photos to see where the similarity lies. In this case gender certainly has something to do with wanting to check out the hub, but how and why did nationality come in?
Just checked out that hub ... it's so funny that I must report my findings!! The photos, with the possible exception of the third girl from the left, the one in pink, are all plain Jane. But she's probably more interested in her cellphone and is only half my age! :(
And there is nothing else in the hub! Yet the author has a comment from a lady doctor saying she wants to marry him!!!
Go have a look if you don't believe me !! :p
Hey my favorite cat!
I definitely identify with much of what you are saying. I grew up in Asia so we had the same school for girls and school for boys thing all the way up to high school.
Then I went to an all women's college in the US! But I was happy to be away from parental restrictions, and even managed to meet some boys/men in nearby colleges :)
Since I was in Computer Science, I mostly mingled with male colleagues. Like you, I must also admit that I prefer male buddies - they let me say a lot of stuff that my female friends just would not let me get away with :)
Jsapal, I think age and experience have a lot to do with how we deal with friendships. I don't mean to make much of the gender issue...it's just a thought that came up while I was generally musing on friends. :)
Thank you Whikat...and your comment brings up the whole issue of platonic friendships. Some partners do find them a threat, and that is something that happens across all cultures I think.
Haha, thank you Jaspal for that bit of detective work! :P
Hey there shibashake! What I haven't written here but was wondering about is whether the fact that one studied in a single-sex environment has any bearing on their future interaction with the opposite sex. I have a friend who says that he may have been less shy around women if he had studied in a co-ed school and had more interaction with the opposite sex in his early years.
Maybe it does FP - I grew up with more boys around me than girls - but it's the girls I'm close to, the ones who I can truly call buddies. Never mind how close I am to a male friend, there's always a fine line of restraint that one doesn't cross - with my women friends now, I can be totally me :)
I hope it doesn't sound like I've done a disservice to my women friends Shal...a girl needs her gang of anytime girls, and some things you just can't discuss with the guys I agree. But I do have a surprising comfort level with many of my male friends...and the fact that one doesn't cross the line is what creates it I guess. :)
That is an interesting question - I am sure it does.
For me, it probably made me gravitate more towards men.
It kindda reminds me of my dogs in some ways. With dogs, if you do not socialize them enough, early on to other dogs, they may either become really interested in other dogs, because it is such a treat to get to play with them, or they become fearful of other dogs because they have so little experience with them.
This is of course an over-simplification, but it would really be interesting to consider all the factors that go into preference of male or female buddies. A lot of it probably has to do with interest - I have always had a lot more interest overlap with my male buddies than my female 'buddies' :)
Hehe shibashake, are you calling men dogs? :P
Just kidding. Actually one really can't generalise. It's difficult to say what draws one to another person...
i'm always interested to know more about what makes Feline Prophet tick.
I bet that non-co-educational thing made the bus rides very interesting......
Hey FP - disservice? you? heck no! What I was trying to understand is whether the girls' school and no brothers at home makes it feel good to have male buddies - oh, I have them too - but I've never missed them growing up, so it's no big deal. If I didn't, I would have probably cherished the friendship!
Hey!! I too checked out that aside.. those sites are hilarious.. not sure how they are related to this one!!! :)
LM, actually at that stage we thought the boys were a bit of a pain...like I said they nabbed all the best seats in a schoolbus that was rickety to say the least! LOL.
Shal, I did kind of miss having brothers around, now that you mention it...
Uma, strange are the ways of HubPages! :P
buddies need to tease to be buddies is it. !!!! wonder why you think so? why would anyone want to tease you?just becasue you look ms. t aunty or ms. f khan???? that is just aconicidence fp.
There are no such things as coincidences...more's the pity!
I quite enjoy reading the things you have to say. :)
There are some people's stories I read and it leaves me feeling happy or as though I've gained knowledge among other feelings but few people leave me inspired.
You are such a person. :)
Thank you for your story.
Thank you Amy. I very much enjoy your hubs too...like I commented on one of them, you're a wise old soul! :)
Hey, Feline, what an interesting topic :-) Aside from my S/O, I think that my best buddies are male -- scratch "I think" -- I know! And boy, do they get an earful on PMS every now and then!! Laugh!
I'm not sure why, but over the years I've found it difficult in more than one occasion to "fully" relate to other women, feeling they weren't being completely open, or completely themselves, and instead with guys I felt they weren't keeping any "secrets". Not always the case, there are always exceptions in both sides of the fence, so to speak, but oh well, for what it's worth :-)
Thank you Elena! It's interesting what you say about women not being completely open - I sometimes wonder about that too. Is it because we tend to have more insecurities, and hesitate to show them for fear of being judged by other women...who will probably recognise them easier than other men will? Of course, as with everything one can't generalise.
FP...you can call me your 'buddy' any day!:-)....absolutely no offence taken!
Great write up!...and yes, guys do make good pals:-)...provided they do 'see' those invisible 'lines'!:-)...and especially your spouse is aware that they see them, eh?:-)
Thanks buddy! :) And I've across men who are reasonably secure and happy in their relationships with their spouses and still have good female friends that they wouldn't dream of crossing the line with.
I can really relate to a lot of what you've said in this hub. I had very few male influences while I was growing up, *and* I went to an all-girls' school from the ages of 11-18, but I have always found it easier to talk to men than to women. The thing that women say they value about friendship with other women (i.e. in-depth discussion of emotions and relationships) is something I find quite difficult to participate in, except on the very rare occasions when I'm at the end of my tether and desperate to confide in someone. A lot of women seem to expect you to talk about this stuff "up front"; it's almost as though it's a condition of their forming a friendship with you. All it does is make me really uncomfortable.
Aha,I see another cat lover! :)
I understand what you mean about being uncomfortable about having in-depth discussions about emotions and relationships - I find it extremely difficult to do that even with friends I've known forever.
Feline..this hub reminded me so much about me..Grew up with 5 sisters,grand mom and mom and my dad,the sole male in the household!:)Yes,times have changed now and like Chris says, as we grow older, gender does become incidental in friendship!But for me, my sisters have been the best friends and moral support all my life!
I agree...sisters are great, Lyla! But I could have done with a brother as well! :)
BirteEdwards says:
6 months ago
For sure there are cultural differences, But even for someone like me growing up in a north European country, going to co-ed schools etc, there was still the things for small children that girls are friends with girls, and boys with boys.
Yes, that all changed in teens and young adulthood. But there, just like in India, if you did not have all those girlish manners, the boys/men took no great interest.
All that for me was quite a long time ago, and I have no doubt that it has changed since. Despite cultural differences, many of us have similar issues.