Birthday Salutations- NOT!

A birthday letter is an original greeting composed by knitting-challenged aunts who cannot come up with a more inspired gift.  Such a note, written with humor and sent snail mail, is intended to generate at minimum one guffaw from its recipient niece or nephew. 

Because such notes are accompanied by the all important check, gift card or- for those trusting souls- cash, it does not prove disastrous should the letter not hit its mark. 

For a writer lacking needlepoint-ish talents, birthday letters offer the opportunity to consider each particular niece or nephew and what might possibly strike them as funny.  In other words, they provide a bonding moment for far away connections that inspire these lovable souls to remember their distant and bookish aunt with fond sentiment (hopefully) come the day she meets with her demise.

"Oh Aunt Barb," they will say.  "She wrapped birthday cash with such strange humor..."

Dear Mr. S. Smythe,

It has come to our attention that you have an approaching birthday.

(Before I proceed, I must update my records. Does the S stand for Scott or Scoti? Perhaps you prefer Scottey? Scottie? Skot? Skott? Please inform us of your current wishes so that we are able to please you with an effective and accurate salutation. As Scotty is the most normal of all variations, I will stick with it for the time being.)

Our dear and darling Scotty,

(Assuming as I stated, you have chosen this designation. Please do NOT be offended if this appears to imply that this must be your choice, as the other names are perfectly acceptable names and if you prefer one of them, well, go for it as slangy youth might say in our neck of the woods.)

Ahem… let’s try this:

Our dear and darling Mr. S.S.,

Because you are such a special member of our family, we have come to the conclusion that it is imperative we send you a greeting composed of our fondest wishes and hopes, fantasies and dreams for a bright tomorrow.

(Of course I do not mean tomorrow in the literal sense, considering I am writing this letter today on the 7th of August, in which case tomorrow will be the 8th of August. You must note that I am not even mailing this letter until the 8th of August, as the mail lady has picked up the mail for today and I am stuck at home without transportation to the post office which is the only way I would be able to send this letter in today’s mail. And even if I were to get it into the mail today, you would not be receiving it until, at the earliest, Monday the 10th of August in which case my present tomorrow as of 4:05 p.m. on August 7th will be in fact your yesterday or even two yesterdays or perhaps three yesterdays ago. Should this letter get lost in the mail, heaven forbid, tomorrow might even be a week ago. Therefore, in other words, please understand that when I wrote tomorrow I actually meant tomorrow in a figurative sense as in “dreams for a bright FUTURE.”"

Moving right along at a clip once reserved for horse’s hooves…

It is with great pleasure that I write you personally rather than send a form letter or one of those silly, prefabricated birthday cards purchased at Hallmark or Target or that forsaken shop known as Walmart.

( Seriously, Walmart? Don’t even think for a moment I might step inside those doors to purchase something for a young man as fine as YOU, Mr. S.S. Because that would be an insult to the highest degree– only one step above purchasing a musical birthday card for you at Kmart. Oh dear, it occurs to me that you may LIKE musical cards. To accommodate your tastes, I am happy to hum a few bars from a song or two. I do, after all, wish to please you.)

Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm, Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm…

(Oh blessed Herschel who once barked at our crabby mailwoman, I have now gotten myself into a complete funk. I cannot remember which Hmmm comes next.)

( I really need to lay down for a minute.)

(Why was I writing you anyway?)

Until such time as I remember, I remain your loyal and true Auntie Barb

(Hmmm… Hmm? Oh BLAST!!!)