Borderline Personality Disorder: A Mother's Day Guide for Adult Children
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Charlotte Church and Josh Groban sing The Prayer
My BPD Mother's Day Survival Guide
Revised May 17, 2009
As an adult child of a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, Mother's Day is an especially challenging day. For years, I struggled to understand my mother's emotional push-me pull-you on most holidays. The fear of abandonment that the person with BPD has to deal with is intense and confusing for their children. My mother was always a mystery for me. She was the vivacious, entertaining center of attention. Beautiful, stylish and appearance-conscious, she inspired insecurity. Full of social confidence, she melted into an emotional pool when she interacted with her four children. How many years did I waste trying to ride the emotional roller-coaster with and attempt to love and find acceptance from this complicated woman? Too many wasted years. At last, with the help of a support group for family members of people with BPD, I am learning to understand and cope with this heart-wrenching condition. For those of you out there who have a mother with BPD, or whose mother is emotionally manipulative and self-serving, take a couple of tips from someone who has been there.
Structure, Structure, Structure.
I can't say this enough. Structure means planning a Mother's Day meeting with her. In this case, if she cannot commit, then she has made the decision. It is important to put the ball in her court. The best scenario is that she will agree to the visit. But, don't be surprised if she pulls a dramatic no-show or isn't there after you drive over. Call before you leave to assure her that you are on the way. Give her an estimated time of arrival. Be on time! The BPD mother needs a schedule. If you are ten minutes late, they will feel unwanted and abandoned. Remember, this is a real mental illness. Their feelings are not regulated or under their control. Have a definite departure time. Tell her that you have another commitment in advance. The BPD mother needs preparation for departure as well as arrival. Don't allow her to keep you beyond your time-limit, or you will begin to resent her emotional dependence. Keep the goodbye emotionally intense. Look in her eyes. Tell her you love her. All you can do is put your feelings toward her out there. Then, she can decide whether to accept them or not.
Plan a Group Visit or Outing
THe BPD Mother responds to verbal and facial cues far more than a mother without BPD. For your own sake, I would suggest a group meeting in a public place like a restaurant. The more the merrier. If she has a lot of people to interact with, then she may not focus her attention on one person intensely. Previously, I suggested a private meeting to serve the BPD mother's needs. After some thought, and in response to some comments from this article, I have changed my thoughts. The adult children need to survive these meetings, not the BPD Mother. Intensely looking into their eyes and trying to make them feel secure is an impossible task. If you don't have any siblings who can join you, try to invite Aunts, Grandmothers, and your children along to difuse the situation for you.
Validate. Validate. Validate.
Again, often the visit itself may be filled with her anger, misgivings and feelings of abandonment. Don't let her get you side-tracked. Validate her feelings. But, don't take any abuse. "Mom, I understand that you are worried about my (marriage, children, career, physical appearance, etc.) I am taking care of everything. Let's talk about your (job, health, vacation plans, etc.). I am so excited that you have decided to (fill in the blanks). " Validation is a challenging skill to master. Believe me, I'm in the baby-stage. But, I try to validate her feelings whenever I can. Try it and you may be surprised with the results. This is an illness that needs reassurance beyond the norm. Just because you wouldn't need validation doesn't mean that they don't. Their system demands it. And when they get just a little reassurance, they often respond with a sigh of relief. Practice a few validation sentences that you can memorize. Having a script on hand may help you in a pinch and help you to dial down your emotions during the meetings.
Don't Take Abuse. You Deserve Respect.
Having a BPD Mother is challenging every day, but especially on Mother's Day. When the going gets tough, sometimes the best thing to do is get going. And don't feel guilty about it. Please don't feel guilty. You are not a "bad" daughter or son. In fact, you deserve tons of credit for trying to maintain a relationship with a BPD mother. You have been dealt a challenging hand in life. You are a good, thoughtful, considerate, loving child. If she starts with any abuse, stand up for yourself. Tell her that you will not accept her disrespect and that you will leave if she continues. When validation fails, maybe its time to go. Her behavior is not your responsibility. You can only do so much. After all, you have a life too. But, please don't let yourself feel responsible. You deserve a clap on the back for trying to show her that you appreciate her on Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day!
Lyrics to The Prayer
I pray you'll be our eyes.
And watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer
When we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe
La luce che to dai (I pray we'll find your light)
Nel cuore restero (And hold it in our hearts)
A ricordarchi che (When stars go out each night)
L'eterna stella sei (ooh�)
Nella mia preghiera (Let this be our prayer)
Quanta fede c'e (When shadows fill our day)
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sognamo un mondo senza piu violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita
La forza che ci dai (We ask that life be kind)
E'il desiderio che (And watch us from above)
Ognuno trovi amore (We hope each soul will find)
Intorno e dentro a se (Another soul to love)
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child
Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera
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Comments
Thank you for the support Shalyce. Much appreciation. :)
Great job sis! Beautifully written! Make sure you schedule some fun time for yourself! Last year your brother took me out for dim sum on Saturday. The next day we spent with momma - made life much easier for the daughter-in-law! No resentment issues!
Great job cailin... it's tough but understanding and dealing is tough and very hard to appreciate. you wrote the truth and will help others try and understand what we've been subjected too for so many years. Our normalcy is another ones discontent with that person.
Nicely written, Cailin. Your suggestions are also clear and sound workable. Happy Mother's Day to YOU!
Oh dear! I am so sorry for your situation. Congratulations on your courage, patience, and willingness to share your hard-won insights with the rest of us. I think that this disorder has degrees, and many people who do not suffer from an extreme case may have some symptoms, so these hints will work well for many.
Actually, I wish they would just do away with Mother's Day. It's a pain in the neck. Birthdays are better. They celebrate each person as a complete individual rather than a personification of a social role. Don't get me wrong, I loved raising my daughter. I'm very proud of her, and, when both of us aren't swamped with work, we enjoy our time together, but Mother's Day is really just another commercial opportunity and its artificiality is a problem.
Beautifully written Cailin. You truely have grasped the reality of the situation and how easy it is to deal with her. I love you!
Yes, but the problem is, sometimes a child with BPD has TRIED all this before (likely many times) and been krapped on by their mother. It is not helpful to say "she is your mother" because we've heard that so many damn times and when a person tells you you're crazy, that there's nothing wrong with your mother, it makes you feel like your life really is worthless and that you yourself are crazy. I am tired of telling my mother that I love her and want her to be happy and then being completely DUMPED on, and made to feel completely worthless. I will NEVER have in my life what she failed to provide to me as a child, because no one else can be your mother. I am permanently damaged because of this awful woman and my father never even tried to protect me, so long as he wasn't getting the brunt of her wrath. I have terrible relationships with men, and despite how much progress I think I have made in therapy, I always seem to find the men who will make me feel as worthless as she did. And this is with me keeping my eyes open and really trying! So no disrepect, but please don't give the children of a BPD mother the "she is your mother" line, because she certainly never acted like a mother.
Marie,
I empathise with your anger and frustration. Of course, these are some of the strategies that we can use with BPD mothers. We will never forget the emotional abuse. But, in order to move on with our lives as adults, we have to see them as mothers with a detrimental personality disorder. Taking care of ourselves sometimes means turning the phone off and refusing to take abuse. Please do not let their issues become your issues. You are fine. Your personality is normal. You do not react emotionally as they do. I'm suggesting that you see them in a new light...maybe not in the mothering role. A mother with BPD will never be a mother in the traditional sense. The nurturing, supportive, understanding mother of our dreams is not our reality. But, if you choose to be involved in their lives, or must take care of them, as adult children are forced to do, join a group of like-minded children of BPD mothers for support. Getting on with your own life may mean that you become her mother. Just like a mother, you must manage her behavior, validate her feelings, but distance yourself from your own emotional reactivity. She may be your mother, but the child of a BPD mother is the one who "mothers". We are fortunate in that we are able to do so.
What courage and tenacity you have! You have also rise above above it all and are an excellent role model for those with similar parents. For myself, the greatest thing was to be able to get away from her manipulations and live free of double messages and guilt.
What was even more wonderful was finally realizing that I had choices. when I decided to go back, the power she once held over me was gone and while she could not show or express her love, I was able to express mine. She had no control over her illness, anymore than her mother. But she did the best she could, holding the family together and making sure we all finished our studies.
What is interesting is the other family members are very angry with me. Their old, tired moaning and groaning, for me, is a large bore. There efforts to place me in the role of scapegoat leave me cold. I find that distance and being with positive friends is the antidote. What is liberating is my choice to not be angry when confronted with their stuff. I just don't want to waste any time bogged down in an impossible situation.
Well written and insightful article. You have a handle on the situation and I congratulate you! Having had the opportunity to have once worked with similar individuals as described in your article, I can only say I hope that more people see you writings and pass them on. This is one of the least understood of the personality disorders. Mental health workers are often sucked in by the perceived power of such individuals and actually become an unwitting tool. A strong therapeutic environment, with cooperative workers or a team, is a powerful force that may counteract the games and manipulations of these patients. They are well defended and can "wear out" a therapeutic community and the other patients as well. Group therapy sessions may end with participants angry and feeling exasperated that one person can be the main focus so often and not really listen to what anyone is saying.
One can only shudder at the thought of these persons having kids and being responsible to raise them properly.
Solarcaptain,
Sorry for the delay in replying to your comment. I'm afraid that the legacy of the BPD parent is far-reaching. My oldest daughter is being swept up in the web as well. Although I feel like I have a handle on it to some degree, it is another story when you see the negative effects on your own children. The abandonment issues are over-whelming. Splitting can also be a huge challenge for a child to understand, especially when they are pre-teens. I feel for my daughter and also continue to try to have a relationship with the most complicated woman in the world for me.
I have to agree with Marie on this. Cailin, your solutions are fine for a BPD mother that actually has the capacity to care (even rarely) that you are spending time with her - one on one or whatever, it doesn't matter, because she can react normally once in a while. I have a feeling Marie and I have the same type of BPD mother. The only reason my mother would invite me and try to shame me into getting together for Mother's Day is to set me up in some sort of trap where she and my brothers can gain up on me, hiss and sneer at me, demean me and my attempts at conversation, completely disregard anything I say in my defense against their insulting attacks and all the while pretend we are having a good time. I am what they call the "no-good" child with a BPD mother who has the "Witch" personality. According to my therapist and every book I've read about her type, there is only one way to deal with a Witch BPD mother - avoid her. Every phone conversation is turned around by them with projection, distorted memories, etc. There are no happy-happy get-togethers. Some may say, "Well, they don't last long and that is my cue to gracefully exit," but they don't exist at all with this woman. I'm with you Marie, I know where you're coming from. I am not speaking out of anger for my mother - she is 82 years old and I STILL try to appease her, and make sure she's okay. My brothers (whom she adores) don't even bother to call her. I'm all she has, and in her insecurity, I'm also the one she berates and accuses of doing the crazy sh*t she would do. I just try to make sure she doesn't feel abandoned. My brothers used her and dumped her - I'm still left. My doctor asks me why I care - did she ever worry about my feelings? Ha! No, that was never a concern for her. But I am not capable of turning my back on someone who needs me. At this point in our lives, I can only grin and bear it, and get the he11 out of there ASAP. I finally, at the age of 52, realized she wasn't capable of loving me (after all, my father was crazy about me - hence, she was competitive), but I am capable of empathy for her. After 50 years of trying to understand why she couldn't love someone who tried so hard to please her, empathy is all I have left for her and it's the best I can give. My best coping technique, Marie, is to try to stick to one 5-minute phone conversation with her per week. I would love to have no contact at all with her, but I figure I took her horrendous abuse for this long, I can at least make sure when she dies that she doesn't feel alone. And if - and this is a big if - she somehow summons the decency to apologize for her treatment of me in the past, I will surely forgive her so she can have some peace. It won't happen, though. She will die thinking I am all the terrible things she is, and she'll probably go out cussing! But it won't kill me to take it one....more....time.
Oh how I can relate, I could have written this article. Its a sorry thing to have to deal with in my life, unfortunately I have no borthers, sisters or family- she alienated all of those in my youth. I find great relief in reading articles like this, it makes me not feel so alone in dealing with my mothers mental illness. And to the person who is desiring apology- in my experience it will NEVER HAPPEN, we suffered horrendous abuse from this woman just this year alone and she has already altered it to fit her mental illness. Its said stuff. I wish I had a different mother, but I know I cant. I make do with other mother figures that I cherish. Take CAre, Kelli H.
I empathise with Kelli, Marie, and Suzie. In a perfect world, my strategies would work all of the time. I simply use them as a guide. Her criticism and anger at any of my weaknesses takes a very harsh toll on me. I have always felt belittled and unworthy. They play their abandonment games and we are along for the ride. My attempt at guide-posts is simply an attempt to provide structure to a relationships that is notoriously unstable.
I married and divorced a BPD It was exhausting. I didn't realize what was happening until I was out of the marriage. Good for you for finding a strategy that works well with your mom. How do you take care of yourself when dealing wiht her? You obviously have some sort of "shield" from her.
Also I love the pic at the top of page.. where did you find it?
I found the pic on photobucket if I remember correctly. Perfect, huh? My "shield" may be the belief that underneath all of the madness, there beats a heart of gold. This is easier to accept when we are dealing with a family member. Unconditional love. But, you also have to come to the realization that its not you. I don't believe I would be able to accept this disorder in a spouse or partner. I'm not that strong.
I think you must be a remarkable woman to deal with your mother in such a patient way Cailin. I have similar issues with my mother and as I am recently married and pregnant I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with her and whether I want it to continue when I have my child. It is so mentally draining and exhausting to deal with a mother like that that I don't know if I want to do that my whole life. I already feel like I spent my own childhood and a lot of early adulthood tiptoeing around her, feeling very sad and confused about her behaviour. I feel free when I don't see her and it is only guilt that makes me stay in touch. Things came to a head a few days ago when she realised I was avoiding her and wouldn't come over for Easter and she called me very angry. So I was more honest than I have ever been and e-mailed her.(No point in trying to tell her over the phone as she would just shout or cry) I sent a long email which took me 3 days to get right so that I wouldn't say unnecessarily mean things. It talked about her behaviour and what I find unacceptable and how she needs to acknowledge this, take responsibility and work on this so that we can have a good relationship. I had thought about suggesting that she has a personality disorder but knew she would never accept this. Her response only made me realise even more that she does have a personality disorder, as in her reply she just made out that she had been a victim and had brought us up with little help from our dad and she didn't acknowledge any fo the points i'd made. She just sadi it was pointless arguing over email and that she thought she'd been a good mother but obviously hadn't.She said she just wanted me to be happy and could have responded in a worse way I guess. I just feel like she buried her head in the sand and refused to admit repsonsibility for any of her behaviour......Not sure whether to just let her know I don't want to see her or whether I should give it another try?? I have spent the last year or so sneakily trying to see my dad without seeing her anyway so it would be a lot easier to have no contact. I know she will never change and I know the emptiness will never be filled even if I stay in touch with her.
Not so remarkable. Believe me, I lose my energy constantly and deal with regret and anger if I haven't planned and structured holidays in particular. Easter was a disaster. I've been angry for days, but then I hear that she may have heart problems and is going for a stress test. Of course, I get on the phone to reconnect and forget about everything. She has taught me to forgive.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful, helpful, and validating comments, Ms. Gallagher. For years, I've struggled to make sense of the push-pull, guilt-inducing, irrational, intensely emotional and possessive relationship that my mother has with me and others around her. Your comments about structure, validation, and not taking abusive remarks were especially helpful. Given my mother's intense, psychotic-like gaze, I find it hard to look in her eyes, so looking deep into her eyes is not good for me. However, I do reassure her regularly that I love her. I also appreciated your comments about spending private time together and planning the separation time so the borderline mother won't feel abandoned. These ideas are all very useful. Thank you!
I also found a lot of help, validation, and a sense of understanding in the book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, by Dr. Christine Ann Lawson.
Thanks again! :)
Incidentally, I have been the all-good child of a queen/witch mother, so I do understand Suzie and Marie's comments about their mothers. Sometimes, no contact is the best contact, and it's about making sense and making peace with one's internal mother (the images of one's mother) and the past, and accepting that one's mother will never be a June Cleaver or even a predictable, grumpy Roseanne. I empathize strongly with both of you, as I've watched my brother become villanized and dumped on with my mother's projections.
For me, it's all about taking time for myself, coping with my guilt, talking to trusted friends/partner, self-soothing, removing myself from sitations with her in which I feel panicky, or acknowledging to myself that Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness, (still an ongoing process as my mother was touted the Queen Bee and the governing person in my family -- with my father denying it, not protecting my brother and I, or denigrating us). It's hard to hold the truth when the truth is denied in one's family. It's hard to name the behaviors because I've felt guilty charging my mother with an undesirable name, something scary. And, I've been told I'm too sensitive.
However, I've had years of therapy in which my feelings have been validated, am a therapist myself.
Despite all this, because it's my mother, and because my father (who acts like he is God), denies it, and because my brother doesn't talk about the family dynamics (he's been diagnosed as Borderline), I still struggle with making sense and trying to have a relationship with my overly-possessive, envious, rageful, self-pitying, ravenous, (like a black hole), mother who is, by the way, an upstanding member of her community in the field of mental health!
This fact, as well as her knowledge of psychology, created a lot of problems for me in trying to understand how someone so high-functioning could act so crazy.
But, then, Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (the leading treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder), is said to be a high-functioning Borderline.
Because BPD is a relatively new diagnosis, I feel that I haven't had time to prepare for this. I remember learning about bipolar disorder through college friends who had bipolar parents. One of my closest college friends and I spent hours trying to figure out my mother. Her father was bipolar. She and I concluded that my mother must be bipolar. But, she never quite fit the mold and we couldn't put our fingers on her disorder. Years later, my brother began researching this personality disorder and I saw the light. This was the answer. When your mother is older and doesn't believe that her behavior is disordered, then you feel like your'e caught in a life raft with them in the middle of a tempest. Living with a mother with this disorder is mentally and emotionally stressful. When they are high-functioning and now in their 70s, they have spent a life-time molding their world to manage their disorder. Will we ever be who they need us to be? No. Will they ever be who we need them to be? No. We live knowing that we can never save them or make them feel loved unconditionally. They live on the razor's edge of life and if we choose to have relationships with them, we often find ourselves feeling the blade ourselves.
This truely saddens me, may all of you have a wnoderful Mother's Day. Very well written.
I am raising the child of a BPD mother. We took her from her mother at age 2, which was the hardest thing my husband and I have ever had to do. This child is now 7 1/2, and has only supervised visits with her 26-year-old mom, due to a frequently displayed absence of responsible judgment. Not the mom's fault, but I think we've truly saved this child's life. After a visit yesterday, the child cried about her mom leaving, then told me how she doesn't really like her very much. My question is, do you know of any material I can read regarding this obviously strained relationship? I'm now reading Understanding the Borderline Mother, but would like to know if there's anything else that would be helpful in my bolstering this little one's self-esteem, as well as giving her tools to cope with her mom as a young teen/adult. My daughter, the mother, is not willing to continue with counseling, and, of course, feels that we are too tough on her and that everyone else is to blame for all her adjustment and relationship issues. This is truly a very tough situation, but the good news is that this child is loving, smart, and resourceful. She also has learned to trust adults, which I know will take her a long way. She simply does not trust her mother. I think she's looking for her mom to be a mother, but just doesn't know how to verbalize this. I'm glad she's trying though!
GrannyP,
I'm heartbroken to hear your story. You are a brave woman. What you have done has essentially changed the course of your grandchild's life. She will learn how to have healthy relationships because of your guidance and example. This does not mean that she won't feel conflicted as she navigates her relationship with her mother. The BPD mother has intense abandonment issues. Because of this, her daughter will feel her intense love and affection along with her intense anger when she feels rejected and abandoned. You asked for suggestions. As you know, at her age, you have to protect her from her mother's negative influence. If the child is looking for her mom to be a mother in the traditional sense, then she will be looking forever. She will never be able to guilt-trip your daughter into becoming a better mother. Your daughter has a personaility disorder that needs treatment. Did you know that this personality disorder has an extremely high recovery rate. McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts has one of the best BPD treatment programs in the world. If possible, encourage your daughter into treatment by a doctor or therapist who understands this disorder. She needs DBT therapy. Until then, protect your granddaughter from playing the mother role for your daughter. This will be too confusing for her. If you are honest with your granddaughter in an age-appropriate way, she will feel less burdened. For example, I would say that Mom can't control her feelings and that sometimes she needs a time-out. Always tell your grandaughter that her Mom is not well so that she won't take her emotional ups and downs personally. To your granddaughter, her mother will seem manipulative. You have taken on the role of mother for her. Be strong. Be the mother that she needs. Do some internet searches for family support groups for this disorder in your area. You need support. God bless.
Cailin:
Thank you for your kind and supportive words. We have so much to learn, and it's scary to look ahead in this situation--we try to take it a day at a time and trust that our intuition will be accurate. Although I saw that "child mothering her mother" phenomenon very early on, we've adjusted our behavior and her exposure to her mom to alleviate this as much as possible. This little girl is strong already, and she and I have an amazing bond. Her father, a habitual substance abuser, was killed in a hit-and-run accident before the child was born, so she's grieving not so much the loss of her father, but not having a father like other children she knows. My husband is wonderful with her, as are so many other males in our family, so when she expresses sadness about her dad, we remind her of about all the caring men around her. She knows she's in a safe, loving, and structured home.
I plan to keep looking for support, as you suggested, and my plan is to try to give her the gift of coping tools. From what I've read, I believe the mom is a "high-functioning" individual, so I pray that she'll accept help some day. She really loves her daughter as much as she's able to, but the nurturing part is just not there. Some days it's just hard to find the energy to cope with my daughter myself, so I know there must be a huge emotional cost for a small child to experience a relationship like this.
Again, thank you. Good luck and God bless you, as well.
Yes, Cailin, I agree; mood disorders like Bipolar Disorder, in the past, were often confused with Borderline Personality Disorder because of the unpredictability, mood swings, and issues with impulsivity seen in people with BPD. The other diagnosis that has been given instead of Borderline Personality Disorder was Dissociative Identity Disorder or what used to be called, Multiple Personality Disorder. This is because the person with Borderline Personality Disorder does not show a consistent face to the world. S/he is like a collection of various personalities without a center, or central way of being. I've seen this in my mother. This is part of why it's so confusing (not to mention, scary and devastating), growing up with a Borderline Mother. There is no consistent sense of self. And, often, the person acts "as if" she is a mother, as she believes mothers to act (or fathers, if the person is male), not as s/he really is or feels. The person is always pretending because feelings and identity switches so quickly based on what's happening interpersonally -- based on intense fears of abandonment -- because there is no consistent self. It's a cycle. No self leads to dependence which leads to desperation and fear and then anger. Recent research on BPD is now to classify BPD as a Dissociative Disorder, like PTSD, in which the person's way of responding is based on fight or flight, and this is literally created and supported through neural networks in the brain. And, since many people with BPD are trauma survivors, it makes sense that DBT, a method which helps people interrupt the cycle of fight or flight, works so well. BPD is a lot like an addiction. It becomes hardwired in the brain to respond to people the same way, as if from a script, which is a problem if you want to be seen as an individual, especially if you're the person's daughter.
Anyway, I also want to say to GrannyP, good thing you stepped in and are raising your granddaughter! Good for you for preventing her from being raised by someone unpredictable. I would suggest a couple of things. First, I would suggest talking to your granddaughter about her feelings, and normalizing that it's okay for her to have ambivalent feelings towards your daughter. Ask her how she feels. She might feel fear, and that's important to acknowledge so she doesn't feel alone. Second, I'd recommend having her go to a therapist who specializes with personality disorders and/or DBT. Teaching kids an abbreviated form of DBT is possible. My girlfriend works with families and DBT, (families NOT diagnosed with BPD), as it's a very helpful skill in teaching parents and kids how to soothe themselves. DBT or mindfulness is great for everyone, and they even have books on it for kids.
http://www.amazon.com/Relaxation-Stress-Reduction-
Lastly, you might get support for yourself, through NAMI (the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill), as BPD is a mental illness and all are affected. Stop Walking on Eggshells is a great book for families. Also, here's a site for parents. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if a grandparent posted. ;)
http://www.parent2parentbpd.org/
Best to you!
H
GrannyP,
One last thing, I would underscore to your granddaughter that it's okay not to trust her mom, that it's actually healthy not to trust her as her boundaries with her daughter are probably not normal. For example, she might tell her daughter or show her daughter too much of her personal love life, etc, and this can be scary to a 7 1/2 year old. Supporting her feelings is paramount as being around someone acting crazy makes you feel crazy if there is no one there to validate your feelings and confirm the craziness. I know. I've been there. I kind of feel as though I'm the sole survivor of my family. It's a very lonely feeling. Having someone else like you to confirm her fears will open her up and allow her to feel other things like sadness that her mom isn't normal.
Best to you, GrannyP, and Happy Mother's Day! :)
H
litgirl24:
Thanks for your insight and the Mother's day wishes--I'm sorry you've had to deal with this, but I really appreciate your advice. You're absolutely correct on all counts! Yesterday, my granddaughter told me, "My Mommy's weird." I didn't know what to say at first, (my brain wanted to respond with, "Ya think???") but I let her talk some more and I responded by validating the thought that her mom thinks about things differently. I realized that as this little girl is maturing, she really is pondering this more and more from an analytical standpoint, rather than simply reacting emotionally. Sad, but interesting. As I said before, and as you pointed out, this type of communication is all very healthy for her. Her mom was here for Mother's Day, and, aside from some "weird" behavior, we actually did pretty well together. This is not common, but when it happens, it is proof that it's possible...
I just started reading "When Hope is Not Enough," which is the result of a husband's interaction with his BPD wife. He apparently has provided some tools to deal with behaviors that spin out of control. I hope this is helpful!
Your comment about teaching people to "soothe themselves" really strikes me. This is exactly what I think this little girl needs. This is a powerful tool for anyone, but particularly in her situation, she'll need to be exceedingly strong-willed in order to avoid being sucked into the drama, and as you mentioned, any inappropriate aspects of her mom's life. We all hear a lot about how the mom's friends are letting her down, how things are falling apart, etc... One thing I fear for the child is that she's taking all this in and worrying about her mom too much, or just getting a really unhealthy view of life and/or how to maintain a positive outlook. I try to balance that with a more structured, positive lifestyle for her. So far, so good! :)
Thanks for the encouragement and information. I'll check out those sources.
Gratefully,
GrannyP
While I respect your ability to cope with your BPD mother, some of your suggestions don't seem healthy to me. The first suggestion I have reservations about is the one to look intently into your mother's eyes and to be a partner in her emotional intensity. Nina Brown, in Children of the Self-Absorbed, recommends the exact opposite approach when dealing with the Cluster B personality disorders. She has the adult child work on dialing down that intensity and creating an emotional forcefield to keep the parent's projections out of our psyche. Borderlines in recovery learn to dial down the intensity. We're participating in dysfunction when we perpetuate this dynamic.
Looking directly into my BPD/NPD mother's eyes is tantamount to gazing into the abyss, and a guaranteed way for me to lose my hard won sense of being an individual self. It's not healthy for many of us to leave ourselves as open containers for our mother's internal intensity and projections.
I agree with your statements regarding structure and boundaries, and not putting up with abuse.Those are very well put.
I don't agree with the thoughts that we MUST give our mothers the emotional validation and care that we didn't receive as children, and that we *of course* appreciate her. love her. and care for her. "Because she's your mother."
It's vital for adult children of Personality Disordered mothers learn to care for themselves first, and not be swayed by the FOG(fear, obligation, and guilt) of our old programming.
"Because she's your mother" is a FOG statement to me.
Many of us with mothers like this end up going NC or can only manage a low contact/civil relationship.Methods like yours just don't work for many of us. Some of us are exhausted and can't cope with the constant needs for over the top validation that just drains out of the holes in their mother's souls.
We can't be our mother's mother. That's not a healthy goal to aspire to. With a BPD mother, we must maintain our individuation, and while we may do caring things for our mothers, it isn't out of the enmeshment that this type of role reversal would encourage.
I appreciate you sharing here, and your way of coping with your mother's illness sound like they are working for you. I would just hate it if a newbie tried some of these tips and were even more wounded when they didn't help.
Here's a link to an online forum founded by Randi Kreger for adult children of Borderline mothers:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChild
Thank you for listening.
My mother is a high-functioning 72 year old woman who lives on her own. She has four adult children. I have been NC with her over the years for two years at a time. I often have gone months with NC. When I was younger, NC was the only option for me. As I have grown older, and maybe matured, I have come to the realization that we, her children, have an obligation to care for her in the same way we would if she had a physical disability.
The mentally ill face a stigma in this country. I know that it is stressful and for the most part, a thankless job. But, I won't look back years from now with regret. True. When I was younger, FOG may have been the impetus for contact. Fear and guilt have given way to obligation at this stage of the game.
When I was younger, I lived in Ireland. The mentally challenged and otherwise "oddballs" in the village were not ostracized and abandoned. They had a right to be included in family and community life with all of their idiosyncrocies. In the United States, I have heard the opposite in therapy sessions. We all have to take care of "ouselves", right? We should only care for our nuclear familiy, right? This is why we have homeless families. We are a nation founded on individuality, but also one that must be self-reliant. Self-reliance includes our obligations to our families. We really do have an obligation to take care of our own. The government is not the family for the mentally ill. At some point, we must take responsibility for our own lives, regardless of the abuse, poverty or suffering that we experience. "Looking into the abyss" of your mother's eyes may be frightening, but it's better than sticking your head in the sand.
We can be our own mother and father if needs be. And we can be the mother and father of those around us. We are the adults. We make the difference.
"All life is the retelling of the story in the forms of the myth" Thomas Mann
Cailin:
Your response was beautifully written. Although I can understand Kate's point of view, and certainly her feelings of extreme frustration, I think there's some middle ground for those who are in a place in their lives where they can be strong and not let others "get to them." There should be no stigma in distancing yourself from someone when you have trouble coping. Everybody needs a break. Some perhaps longer than others. In addition to raising my Granddaughter, my husband and I have taken in my 83-year-old mother who has been very ill. Her needs are quite opposite those of the 7 1/2-year-old, so it's a juggling ace. Although she's mentally well most of the time, she can be very stubborn and judgmental. Is it easy? Nope. She needs some nursing care I'd rather have others do. But she's my Mom, and she does all she can to give back, even if it's just tottering around the kitchen and helping with cleanup. We know she's trying. I will most certainly do my best, as I know she'd do for me. At the same time, I can teach my Granddaughter about caring for the people we love.
GrannyP
My mother is a 73 year old low functioning BPD/NPD/bipolar who REFUSES to take responsibility for her illnesses. She has cut a wide swath of destruction through many people's lives, mine included.
I have been a loyal, caring daughter for over 50 years despite being physically, emotionally and sexually abused in my family of origin. I have tried staying in relationship with my mother. I have tried getting her to accept help. I have prayed. I have cried. According to you, I have failed.
My primary obligation is now to to myself, my husband and my children. Trying to meet my mother's needs has almost destroyed both my mental and physical health.
If you're going to put up a blog on the internet, you're going to get comments from people who agree with your point of view and people who see things differently because they've had different experiences. It's not necessarily a bad thing when someone posts a comment from the other side of an issue.
It's hard enough coming to terms with having a mother with a personality disorder without having other daughters who don't know the particulars of your situation judge you for your choices.
I've done extensive research on BPD/NPD, and spent countless hours in counseling with the goal of being able to set boundaries with and stay in relationship with my mother.I have come to the point of permanent NC reluctantly, as other options have failed.
My head is not in the sand.
Thank you for listening.
Kate,
I am not judging you for being NC with your mother. I have been NC with my mother for years at a time. There is a big difference between a low and high-functioning BPD/NPD person who also has bipolar disorder. Of course, my situation is different from yours. I ony have to deal with my own mother. Your history is your own. It's true. And you are a different person who has lived through entirely different experiences.
I have not been able to get my mother to get help either. Have I failed too? No. I don't think either of us have failed. They are from a generation that doesn't take to therapy easily. I can't see her going in for DBT which has a high recovery rate for BPD and NPD. Bipolar is an entirely different condition that I don't claim to have experience with.
My question to you is "Are you the only child of this woman?" Is there a sibling who is now bearing the brunt on the care for her?" I'm not necessarily talking about validation, but something as simple as where she spends the holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc. Do you get a free pass because you can't deal with her anymore? Have you passed this off on one of your siblings? I'm talking about this type of care-taking primarily. If you are an only child, or if all other siblings are NC during holidays, then at least there is consistancy.
In my case, all of her adult children spend time with her during the week. But, on holidays, I am the one who deals with her abandonment issues. I usually call my siblings in frustration and anger. Why am I the only one who takes this responsibility on myself? They know that I will do it, so they opt out and make other plans.
GrannyP,
I admire your courage and love for your family. Your mother and granddaughter are cared for and live in a loving home. Your daughter may still recover. The recovery rate for BPD patients is very high if they are committed to change. My mother came from an abusive household and lived through cruelty, poverty and emotional neglect when she was a child. BPD often develops in these conditions. She has been very successful in treating herself. She knows what works for her. But, any holiday is a low point for her.
Your granddaughter will thrive with your guidance and protection.
After much soul-searching, I have revised this article to reflect some of the comments that I have received in response to my suggestions. In particular, I have changed my suggestion from a private meeting to a group meeting. I have changed my suggestion from intense validation to a scripted response which may help adult children to manage their response to possible rejection and mood swings. I would not want anyone to see this as a quick fix. There are many great guide-books for family members of those with BPD and excellent on-line support groups and websites. Learning to manage this relationship is a life-long learning process for me. I only pray for guidance and strength.
Cailin, this is a heartbreaking scene and just makes me wonder about so many of those 'rotten' mothers I've heard about throughout life. You sure have developed a sensible attitude, dealing with a personality disordered mom must be so difficult for a young child, and impossible to ever really understand. The comment section has been so interesting, though that doesn't seem like the right word.
My mother also has BPD. This year I've decided to disconnect. I didn't talk to her on Mother's Day and ignored phone calls and emails. I did a lot of visualizations about disconnection. It's her birthday soon and I'll ignore that too.
It's taken a while to realize that there is no relationship, because she doesn't see me. There's been a lot of drama, and I felt I needed to somehow get through to her, either to calm the rapidly changing emotions or to make her understand who I am. But it just doesn't work.
It's been over a month now, and I've realized that my identity was so wrapped up in that constant sense of uncertainty, violation, and mind fuck. (She has an MA in Counselling Psychology in addition to being BPD, so she really knew how to get in my mind). It's rather confusing not having that as much, and there is a lot of pain there that comes up without that constant war zone. But I think it's a great step.
You are a brave and courageous person. I don't say this lightly. I know how difficult it is to break away from an abusive relationship. It must be a great relief for you spiritually and psychologically. Suddenly, you have time to take care of yourself and learn to live again. My thoughts are with you.
What an amazing hub, and what amazing people you all are in spite of all that you have endured. I have no comments to make on the strategies as I have not had to deal with this.
However. one thing I feel after reading the hub and the comments is BDP is the enemy and that there is no one right answer that will fit every case.
Each of youthat have left comments have brought a contribution that just might be what someone else needs to hear. Cailin it is a wonderful thing that you have done in the writing of this hub,
We are very vulnerable when we lay our lives bare in front of people and it takes a great deal of courage and I admire you for your bravery in doing this.
Overall I think this has been a very worthwhile hub, the many comments that it has generated shows how much it was needed. Because each relationship is different even within the same family I think that all the sharing in the comments section has given a much needed resource of the different coping strategies that have worked in so many of these difficult to deal with circumstances. Thank you all for being so caring and sharing. God bless
Maggs224,
Thank you for your empathy with us. I think you hit the nail on the head when you surmised that there is no one right answer for everyone. There are varying degrees of this disorder. Overall, teenaged and adult children who deal with the BPD Mother are challenged in life beyond the norm. We have to strive to find our own truth within ourselves. Sometimes this means that we have to be estranged for long periods of time from our mothers. If we can educate ourselves and understand their condition, we can go on with our own journey with them in our life in a balanced and healthy way. It's not easy. But, it's possible.
Thank you again for your compliments.
So sorry I got the letters the wrong way round, sometimes awful and unfair situations stretch us way beyond what we once thought of as our limit. As we battle against the hardships and hurts we find that in the process we have grown and become better people. This is inspite of the harm and destruction that is so part of this terrible illness. You are more than up to living a life beyond the norm. Make sure to take some time to look after yourself.
I grew up with Bipolar I Disorder and ADHD and my mother and brother both have BPD, mom is a retired psychiatrist and never was diagnosed but my brother has and is less of a problem than my mom so I can safely say she has BPD as well. Her profession clouds her insight. My mother splits one kid at a time and luckily I have been the demon child for the past two mother's days. My brother is just like her so I get some sort of passive aggressive pleasure out of it.
I can deal with my mother and brother when I am objective and low stress because I would be less pressed to act outside of my defensive mode and anything less than robot is psychotic to them so I save it for them.
My problem is when I tell them what their problem is and call them on their behavior, although each will agree that the other does it during their blow outs they have no awareness that there is anything wrong with them at all, especially my mother, she does it all except for the suicide attempts.
I hate to say I lie to her but recently she sent a message saying she was attending a wedding in my town and that she'd be staying with me for a few days and to get in touch with her and I ignored it and waited. Later that day she sent a message saying something to the extent of having to 'accept that she gave birth to two of the most narcissistic sociopaths in the country' and I ignored it. I will call it an error or something. But she may never change and I accept that, it is sad.
Excellent insights into a very, very difficult situation! Thanks! :)
I need an online support group or something for children with mothers with BPD. I know everyone who has experienced what I have totally understands because all the stories told here (or what I have read) are always eerily similar. It blows my mind sometimes!
After a certain point I could no longer take the emotional abuse and my mother's roller-coaster mind-fuck games and I refuse to attempt anything with her anymore because it she is impossible. It doesn't matter what I do or say-I could be an angel-- I still suffer. I will not go on attempting to please HER when I should really be looking out for myself. I have a life to live and I won't waste any more of it on her and risk further abuse. It is difficult to get people to understand this... or her condition in general. I am not a horrible daughter, I did everything I could and more!
Sorry! No time to edit because I have a doctor's appt.
From the mind of a Borderline Personality Disorder Mother who has also been diagnosed as Bi Polar 2. So which is the correct diagnosis? I don't know. Two psychiatrists were involved. Maybe a different perspective for some of you:
I "happed" upon this page some way or another and have read all the commentary. I read all the comments and feel that there is much in the way of assumptions about BPD. Some of you are not qualified (not all) and have stereotyped your mothers and siblings. I didn't see anyone with a Ph.D. unless you have disguised yourself. Some of the characteristics noted are embellished from my point of view. The BEST COMMENT I read was from lilgirl24.
As a mother of three, I was wonderfully close and communicative with my sons and daughter until they became teenagers. My emphasis was instilling a belief in themselves and encouraging open communication, which I found in perhaps too much abundance. Yes, I was a bit of a drama queen and manipulative when it came to education; yes, this was manipulative. When my children hurt, I hurt. I was too involved in their problems because I couldn't stand for them to be hurt.
The feeling of abandonment was projected onto my perhaps. I projected my anger onto my husband of 35 years. I depended on his love and encouragement, and never got a response to my need for any of it. I found out years later that he never knew how to keep his zipper up and withdrew from the family as a result (I believe). Every time I tried to express my needs, he told me exactly what I needed to hear and never responded in any way. He was indifferent. He compartmentalized marriage and affairs, I believe. At least that's what my psy. said.
When I left, I felt hurt, unappreciated, and hatred for all of them. Like suggested in one comment, I however acted as a mother was expected to act out of obligation. I visited the children once a week or had my daughter visit me: the boys wouldn't. I lived 30 miles away, was a principal, and attended many of their games during the week. This took a lot of self-discipline and effort on my end because I didn't really want to.
When I went home, my youngest always left to go out with his friends. He later told me he felt abandoned (I felt abandoned in my own house years before that)and thought I left him, the only one in his words who treated me well. That was true, but I was too sick and depressed at the time to even think of it as I also never gave any consideration to their coming home to a lot of empty rooms when I left. How I could have done that, I don't know today. I am sure for them, as someone suggested above, that they thought I was unpredictable and that they found it scary and devastating. Today I have the best relationship with him, the youngest.
Looking back, I think that indifference is the opposite of love. As a popular girl in h.s. and later a successful career woman, I suppose I was my x's "trophy wife." In my marriage, I never gave up with the fight to have a good marriage; but as suggested above, I did take the "flight" route. At the time, my daughter was a senior in h.s., one son was in college, and the other son was in h.s. I JUST COULDN'T TAKE ANYMORE. Whenever I tried to enforce REASONABLE discipline, my husband always undid it. He turned all but the youngest against me. My husband never wanted discipline of the children and enjoyed more being their buddy. He would argue with me in front of them.
I have always felt emotions more intensely, I believe, than normal people. I wish I didn't. For ex., if I see an animal killed on TV, I cry. I cry too often about not being able to see my grandchild addressed below.
After a divorce for a year, I was stupid enough to remarry my x. Why? He was involved with another woman soon after our separation, and I couldn't stand the thought of anyone's having him. Not a good reason, of course! Yes, manipulative, but it didn't work. I went back with no change, no agreement on his part for counseling, and more of the same indifference. The point is that today I know he is narcissistic and not capable of loving in the same way I do. There is nothing wrong with the former; it's just a fact that has taken me 8 years to deal with and accept. He loved in the way that he did, which was shallow and superficial according to my standards. But I am not sure that anyone feels love so deeply--or is it control? He never quit seeing this woman, so I was no winner. Yes, for me it was a contest.
I even went to the point later of marrying someone to get back at him--drama queen. That lasted 8 weeks, although a couple of years later we got together and have lived together almost a year--WITH NO ARGUMENTS, DRAMA, ETC. I don't love him. He is just a friend, and I have thought of giving up the relationship. But I would be left with no one, and I am getting old. I divorced him and never want to remarry.
By the way, our (the first) remarriage was two years prior to a suicide attempt. I have always since that time worked closely with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. When in rehab for suicide, the psy. told me that he didn't want to see me there again. I wondered what the hell he was talking about, but I found out as I worked hard to resist other attempts while living alone. Yes, as suggested above, I DO LIVE ON THE RAZOR EDGE OF LIFE. I have literally and in taking risks in career.
The career turned out well, but in the end the mental stress and problems led to my being asked to retire early or be fired. By that time, I was working as supervisor of two subjects for a school system. I did exceptionally well until all the problems finally overpowered me.
I divorced my first husband almost as soon as I went back with him. I caught him with the same woman he had and probably never stopped seeing. I never knew about the cheating before, but I couldn't live with it. Yes, I was very abusive emotionally in our relationship, AND SO WAS HE. Yes, I felt ABANDONED AND REJECTED long before the marriage was over and "kicked up a storm" to try to move him. After I divorced him the second time, he quit speaking to me--hasn't since. I finally kept moving in his direction and backed off as my psy. said. I need to treat him with the same indifference, she said, that he treats me. So far no results! What I want is just for us to come to an understanding because I think this hurts the kids.
The last point I want to address to those of you on the other side of the fence is my oldest son. YES, I have tried to control and manipulate him. After he got his masters and at 25, he had a daughter out of wedlock. He has never been a father to her, and it angers me to no end.
I never trained a son to be so insensitive to a child. This child was the result of casual sex. I was not ashamed of that nor of the out-of-wedlock child. What I was ashamed of was his reaction. He has just gotten back from Iraq, and nothing has changed.
While he was there, he wrote a rare email of one sentence here and there. As an officer, he had access to a computer all day. I sent packages that weren't acknowledged, except for one. In that message, he said that he didn't like one of the items but had given it to another soldier. At the time, I didn't realize that he was withdrawing from me because he didn't correspond with anyone much except his girlfriend.
Most recently, I tried to lay another guilt trip on him. He moved hundreds of miles away with his girlfriend, who is African American. I don't want him to marry her, and I don't want any half-breed grandchildren. SORRY to anyone I have offended. I cannot understand this myself because I dated and loved a black man when I was younger (6-yr. relationship).
He wrote me that he communicates rarely because everything I write is depressing and incredibly hurtful, although he loves me. He has stopped writing. I have also taken a step back and stopped writing. I read that if you have this problem to talk to the siblings in a positive manner about it. It is a sure thing that they will talk to him. I think one did because I
Back from dr.
See above and continue. I think one of the siblings did talk to my son because he wrote me a sentence in two messages--nothing of any consequence. I will be polite if he contacts me but keep my distance like most of your seem to prefer because you are hurt by us. Don't you know that all of us have specific problems and that we could probably categorize you as well? You hurt us as well.
When I read all these comments, they make me realize that few people have grey areas; most of them are just black or white. The problem seems to be resolved by just turning your back on primarily, your mothers. Maybe we should have turned our backs on you years ago when you really needed us. Realize that to the BPD, you seem like the abnormal ones. What we see in our world is normal to us.
I tried to commit suicide two years ago, everyone in my family keeps his/her emotional distance from me and they all think I am crazy just because of this. I hadn't planned it but thought of it for a week. But I did it spontaneously after my x screamed at me on telephone. It was too much; my heart couldn't take it anymore. I was in intensive care and when I awoke, the people around me were very angry. My psy. told me that reaction is normal. I thought, "They are angry. I am angry because I am still here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with all this. Leave me alone." The only thing that bothered me was that I saw no light at the end of the tunnel; I saw no tunnel period. As I lay on my bed dying, I asked God's forgiveness but would not have done anything different at that time. Now some of you can label me a drama queen here. I only speak my heart frankly.
Reading these commentaries HAS BEEN A REAL EYE OPENER FOR ME. That is a good thing, and I think this is a good option for an emotional outlet. I didn't know that I have so profoundly affected those near and dear to me. I just guess "my vote never counted for much." I can also tell you that I have always felt that I don't want to be a burden on my children. In my mind, I would end my life before living with them.
The way I have dealt with BPD is consistent and frequent counseling. I am on 4 medications to help. They help the
pain, but my feelings seep through the lining of my stomach. I honestly don't think any amount of prayer or drugs would change these intense feelings that surprise me every 3 or so days.
Last, in all my efforts to "become normal" as you would say, I have learned that people don't want to be around a depressed person or hear the reasons. In the early stages, I was unable just to talk. Things have gotten better, and I have learned to COVER UP most of the time, to act happy when I am not, and to say things that people want me to in order to be considered "normal" and to be accepted.
I haven't looked at this board for months but am looking for a little advice...preferably from people who understand the need to sometimes break away from mothers with borderline personality disorder. I am now heavily pregnant and so obvisouly very emotional at times and I feel so angry with my Mum, I feel like I don't want her near me or our baby. It's because I haven't been able to resolve anything with her. As I said in my last post, my epic e-mail to her fell on deaf ears and I basically avoid her as much as possible, until the inevitable phone call, when she starts to interrogate me about why I haven't been in touch or ask me why I'm in such a bad mood. When I want to shout 'because I don't like talking to you!'Today it ended in me hanging up the phone on her. I feel so happy now I am married and in a great relationship and feel strongly that I don't want my son (when he arrives in a few weeks) to be around the negativity that I was. I have told her that I am happy to discuss things with her over e-mail but that discussing face to face is never successful and I don't need the stress right now. Do you think it would be foolish to end the relationship at a time like this? Apart from the guilt, I just feel so much calmer when I think about having no contact with her. I dread her coming over.
- New England Personality Disorder Association
Affiliated with McLean Hospital - NIMH · Borderline Personality Disorder
National Institute of Mental Health
Shalyce says:
2 years ago
What a difficult thing to deal with. Borderline personality disorder is an intense disorder to deal with a family member. Best of luck with it all.