Borderline Personality Disorder: A Mother's Day Guide for Adult Children

As an adult child of a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, Mother's Day is an especially challenging day. For years, I struggled to understand my mother's emotional push-me pull-you on most holidays. The fear of abandonment that the person with BPD has to deal with is intense and confusing for their children. My mother was always a mystery for me. She was the vivacious, entertaining center of attention. Beautiful, stylish and appearance-conscious, she inspired insecurity. Full of social confidence, she melted into an emotional pool when she interacted with her four children. How many years did I waste trying to ride the emotional roller-coaster with and attempt to love and find acceptance from this complicated woman? Too many wasted years. At last, with the help of a support group for family members of people with BPD, I am learning to understand and cope with this heart-wrenching condition. For those of you out there who have a mother with BPD, or whose mother is emotionally manipulative and self-serving, take a couple of tips from someone who has been there.

Structure, Structure, Structure.

I can't say this enough. Structure means planning a Mother's Day meeting with her. In this case, if she cannot commit, then she has made the decision. It is important to put the ball in her court. The best scenario is that she will agree to the visit. But, don't be surprised if she pulls a dramatic no-show or isn't there after you drive over. Call before you leave to assure her that you are on the way. Give her an estimated time of arrival. Be on time! The BPD mother needs a schedule. If you are ten minutes late, they will feel unwanted and abandoned. Remember, this is a real mental illness. Their feelings are not regulated or under their control. Have a definite departure time. Tell her that you have another commitment in advance. The BPD mother needs preparation for departure as well as arrival. Don't allow her to keep you beyond your time-limit, or you will begin to resent her emotional dependence. Keep the goodbye emotionally intense. Look in her eyes. Tell her you love her. All you can do is put your feelings toward her out there. Then, she can decide whether to accept them or not.

Plan a Private Visit.

Plan some private time with her alone. The BPD mother needs intense, interpersonal attention. It is better to give them 100% attention for 1 hour than 8 hours where they must share you with your family. Hug her. Look into her eyes. Assure her that you love her. This may all sound unnecessary. As a child, we look to our mother for support and emotional reassurance. Unfortunately, our mothers cannot give us this. We have to give it to them. It took me years before I came to terms with this reality. Don't get me wrong, I still deal with resentment. If you decide that you want your mother to be a part of your life, you must deal with the illness. It exists. In order for you to survive in the role of their adult child, you must understand their needs and respond maturely. I know that it is difficult for your husband, wife and children to understand, but explain as best as you can. She is your mother, but she has special needs.

Validate. Validate. Validate.

Again, often the visit itself may be filled with her anger, misgivings and feelings of abandonment. Don't let her get you side-tracked. Validate her feelings. But, don't take any abuse. "Mom, I understand that you are worried about my (marriage, children, career, physical appearance, etc.) I am taking care of everything. Let's talk about your (job, health, vacation plans, etc.). I am so excited that you have decided to (fill in the blanks). " Validation is a challenging skill to master. Believe me, I'm in the baby-stage. But, I try to validate her feelings whenever I can. Try it and you may be surprised with the results. This is an illness that needs reassurance beyond the norm. Just because you wouldn't need validation doesn't mean that they don't. Their system demands it. And when they get just a little reassurance, they often respond with a sigh of relief. The validation must also be intense.

Don't Take Abuse. You Deserve Respect.

Having a BPD Mother is challenging every day, but especially on Mother's Day. When the going gets tough, sometimes the best thing to do is get going. And don't feel guilty about it. Please don't feel guilty. You are not a "bad" daughter or son. In fact, you deserve tons of credit for trying to maintain a relationship with a BPD mother. You have been dealt a challenging hand in life. You are a good, thoughtful, considerate, loving child. If she starts with any abuse, stand up for yourself. Tell her that you will not accept her disrespect and that you will leave if she continues. When validation fails, maybe its time to go. Her behavior is not your responsibility. You can only do so much. After all, you have a life too. But, please don't let yourself feel responsible. You deserve a clap on the back for trying to show her that you appreciate her on Mother's Day. And of course you appreciate her. And love her. And will take care of her. She is your mother.

Happy Mother's Day!