I've been in powerful, magnetic relationships, and I think I understand some of the primal forces behind the constant search for a mate. No, actually, I'm not talking about sex. And I don't think there is such a gulf between the driving force for a man to find a mate and what drives women to seek partnership. On one level we are all seeking the nurturing that comes with a loving relationship. We seek comfort, companionship, and someone who understands, or "knows" us. That last one is the nugget I have come to understand as the real driving force.

We are looking for a particular form of community. Personal development can only go so far in the solo realm. I think the ultimate deepening of self-knowing comes into play when a person who has done a lot of inner work and self-discovery enters an intimate relationship with another such developed person. Now we are into the thick of it. Here is where the individual can see their wholeness mirrored. Challenged to know the other, we come to know ourselves.

From the standpoint of the brain's wiring, this is a particularly powerful challenge. Every point of conversation carries the potential for a new neural route. As we strive to come into agreement about what to have for dinner, the other person's preferences, be they peculiar or harmonious with our own, fire the neurons into new corners of the brain. Doing this kind of "work" together, that communal knowing is deepening.

It's also important to have some sense of when it's enough. Agreeing to disagree is a wonderful salve for the brain, if it is sincere and playful. This develops our capacity for tolerance, which opens our world to more diversity, which is another powerful component of brain health. A mind which has a great tolerance for diversity will carry less resistance to new ideas and therefore more potential for growth in new areas. Tolerance itself is an indication of a highly developed brain. It takes some delving to discover where your own intolerance is hiding. Delving is a brain exercise.

Intimate relationships are just one facet of this beneficial world of relating. Bringing more of yourself to every encounter is a worthy challenge, providing chances at neural growth, and keeping the field open for surprises which can trigger long leaps of thought-threads. Have you ever met a new person and found yourself full of intelligent observations that you might not normally come up with? That is a great example of how relationships can enhance our brain power.