Breakup advice comes wrapped in many packages. This was driven home to me in late summer of 2005, just before the big wind and resulting water hit the jewel of southern cities. My friend, Phil, whom I had met in the east thirty years before this fateful summer month, was now struggling with ridding himself of the burning memories of his ex girlfriend. It had been over a year since she walked out on him, and his lamentations were legion. He had tried a zillion approaches to coping with his memory of her, but they had been to no avail since they were based on desire instead of reason. Phil was a proud 50, and since I was ten years older, he often came to me for advice when all else failed. We were seated in the courtyard of a very popular restaurant and we ordered delicious Sazeracs, a noble cocktail, to cool our warm tongues. The truth is that he was seeking breakup advice anywhere he could find it. So he began: I need some breakup advice.

Her name was Susan and everything seemed to backfire when Phil tried using affirmations of this sort:  “Every day in every way I forget about Susan.”  I pointed out to him that he was reinforcing his memory of her. It is like someone challenging another not to think of a purple elephant. Every attempt not to think of the purple elephant requires one to think of a purple elephant. He had tried focusing on other women, but this always resulted in his comparing other women to Susan.

I asked Phil if he would like trying an experiment. “Of course,” he said. “I will try anything at this point.”

I told him I would teach him a technique that, years ago, had rid me of smoking. It was a way of thinking. I pointed out that he had constantly chosen a way of resisting the painful memory of Susan. He must, instead, learn to release the pain, memory and addiction of Susan.

Imagine a mountain, I said, and you are on this mountain and you have been laboring by dragging and pushing a log up the side of the mountain.  Every time you think the log is stable, it gets heavier and you have to push harder. At the peak of the mountain, you stand on the edge and ALLOW the log to fall away from you--you do not resist. The mountain is your negative relationship and all the obsessions that go with it. You allow the falling away of this, and you accept whatever you feel, Practice this again and again and gradually your relationships will come into balance. At some point, you will give breakup lessons by yourself, I promised.