Broken Heart-- The Biggest Myth About Break Ups That Keep You From Healing A Broken Heart

By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches

Almost everyone has experienced a broken heart from a relationship breakup at some point in their lives and many have been through a divorce. If you fall into either or both of these categories, you know that breakups and divorces are usually accompanied by emotional pain. This is especially the case if ending the relationship was not your idea.

What you probably want most right now is to heal from the heartache you might be experiencing. Unfortunately, in trying to heal, people sometimes rely on the false comfort of beliefs and actions that can lead to even more pain. These myths might contribute to you becoming stuck in the pain, sometimes forever.

We’ve all heard the axiom that “time heals all wounds.” This much-repeated saying is the basis for a major relationship breakup myth. A friend or relative might say something like this to you in an attempt to offer comfort. The underlying message is that if you can stick it out through this rough part, in time your pain will just go away.

If you’ve ever watched someone make homemade bread, it might seem downright magical the way the dough rises to more than twice its normal size just by sitting in a warm spot covered by a towel for an hour or so. Of course, if you are the baker, you know that it took the correct ingredients mixed together just right and about 10 minutes of kneading for that result to happen.

Vital “ingredients” are also missing with the belief that just waiting out the pain will result in that pain vanishing over time. Believe it or not, you can stay just as angry, hurt and resentful over the long haul if you don’t work with the feelings you have right now.

We do agree that with time your perspective might change and you could even see things from a more expanded view. This can benefit your healing. At the same time, acknowledging, processing, and letting go of the pain is also required to truly heal your broken heart.

Amanda’s divorce almost 30 years ago was very unpleasant and not her idea. Her ex had an affair and she ended up with a paltry financial settlement which she feels negatively affected her ability to give primary care to the couple’s four children. Now, all of these years later, one of Amanda’s daughters is also going through a divorce. Betraying the anger and bitterness she still feels towards her ex-husband, Amanda wryly suggests to her daughter that she write a book about how lousy her father was and is and how lousy her soon-to-be ex-husband is.

It may seem surprising, but it can happen. Even 30 years later, you might be carrying around those bitter, angry, victimized feelings though they will have become ingrained into who you are. We don’t know anybody who truly wants that. And it doesn’t have to be that way.

Healing a broken heart after a divorce or breakup is a process that looks and feels different for everyone. There is no one system to follow to make this happen. Here are some suggestions to get you started on a healing path…

1.) Throw out the myths.

There are many myths about breakup and divorce that you might hear at this time-- especially if the person who is attempting to offer you comfort has also been through a relationship breakup. You might be counseled to read a particular book, join a certain group, or follow through on a certain set of actions.

Any or all of these things might be helpful to your healing—or not. What is perhaps most important is that you stay tuned in to what feels good to you. Ask yourself if what you are hearing or reading is true for you. Try to feel if it is an accurate reflection of what’s going on in your life right now. If it is, you may want to continue in that direction. If not, choose a different course. As we said above, there is no one heartbreak “solution” out there that works for everyone. The possibilities are endless.

2.) Let go and look ahead.

Tuning in to how you feel right now may not be all that fun. In fact, a part of you may want to do anything and everything to just make the pain go away. You may find yourself turning to habits that seem to do this temporarily such as drinking alcohol, eating lots of chocolate, or numbing out watching hours and hours of tv. None of these habits are necessarily “bad.” What can make the pain stuck for you, however, is if you turn to escape habits so that you don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable emotions.

Instead, we encourage you to be courageous and let those feelings come and move through you. For example, when you feel angry, allow the anger. You might find it helpful to write about your anger, yell about it when you are alone, or even to do something physical like rip paper into tiny shreds. Those pain-filled feelings can be expressed and let go of in ways that are healthy and healing.

We realize that there are probably layers of feelings that will come up for you during this process. As a difficult emotion arises, take some time to let what you are feeling express and then leave. When you are feeling some relief—no matter how small—build on that. Allow yourself to begin to create in your mind the future you want for yourself.

Perhaps Amanda has decided she is tired of the stuck anger and bitterness she’s felt for so long. When a wave of anger arises, she allows it and lets it go. In the space of relief that is offered after letting go, she can turn her attention to what she wants. She might realize how appreciative she is that her current partner has stayed faithful to her for many years and she might also think about ways she can become closer with her boyfriend.

Perhaps you feel like your ex was horrible at expressing his or her feelings. Now might be the time to imagine you and a future partner sharing deep heart-felt conversations together. Really let yourself feel the warmth and excitement of that image.

The vision of your future is up to you. Be gentle with yourself and open up to the many resources available to you. As you tune in to what brings you long-lasting relief, know that healing is happening.