As we work towards developing a higher level of self confidence it is important that we learn how to start conversation, and be comfortable speaking to strangers. Conversation is indeed a lost art form and the man that can carry on an intelligent and engaging discussion will soon find himself the center of attention wherever he goes. As you become more experienced in striking up and maintaining dialog between the people you meet day to day you will feel your confidence grow and bloom. The thought of approaching random strangers will no longer fill you with dread but excitement. Conversation then is a tool to build not only confidence but success in general. It's also an opportunity for you to learn valuable facts about people, what they want, and desire. Finally as we move forward in this discussion you will also learn that the key to great conversation, is in knowing how to listen.

The Root of the Issue

For many of us speaking in public is an event filled with terror rivaling shark attack. The simple reason being that most of us are very self conscious and concerned with people's impressions of us. We want to be liked to put it simply, and so are afraid of saying the wrong thing or coming off as foolish or unintelligent. So we have adopted the silence strategy. You can observe this in any public place you go throughout your day. One need only look around to see that even in a crowded place most people are not talking to each other. We have become in effect a population of isolated and insulated individuals. This has a humorous side effect though that to startle anyone on the street these days you merely have to say hello, and watch the reactions unfold, reactions being exactly what we are looking to achieve.

How many times men have you approached a woman in a crowded club only to get no reaction to what you said? The music is blaring, the people are talking and dancing, and here in the midst of the chaos our hero(Played by you) approaches the woman he's been drooling over most the night. He thinks of something witty and carefully makes his move. Summoning his courage and with a nod from his buddies(it takes a very courageous man to go clubbing alone), he goes in. What happens then? Nothing that's what, if you're lucky she doesn't reply at all.Or you may get a very loud "What did you say?" That alone is enough to rattle you and you quickly find yourself and your powers of speech overcome. So deflated and beaten you slink away and lick your wounds. Since this is about starting a conversation let me dissect this situation and explain what went wrong.

First my friend, you hesitated and waited far too long. Trust me when I say this, people know when they are being watched, observed, or discussed. Like most men you probably spent several minutes talking about this girl with your friends trying to screw up the courage to walk over. You wouldn't stare at someone in the check out line at the grocery store for ten minutes before saying hello would you? No, because then they'd think you were a Psycho and be reaching for the mace. So why do we do it with women we want to talk to then men? You know what else you were doing all that time you waited to walk over, you were analyzing ever possible bad thing that could go wrong.

Don't Think Just Do

Our first step then in starting a conversation with anyone is do not hesitate. Whether its the guy beside you at the bus stop or the girl at the bar, don't think about it, just say something. Truth be told what you say is not all that important. As long as its not hurtful or offensive, most people will reply to you regardless. Even in our programmed shyness and silence we are still overcome by the urge to be liked and so do not want to appear rude, and will usually reply to anyone. As I discussed in a previous article it is important to learn how to be comfortable approaching people and making small talk. Before you can have a conversation though someone has to say something and the confident person will take control of the situation and be the first to speak. You are simply trying to invoke a response.

While it may be tempting to ask a question, I would recommend that the first thing you say to anyone be an open ended statement. If you're waiting for a bus, say "I can't wait for the bus to get here." Say it with volume and clarity, preferably while making eye contact. It invites the listener to respond. Obviously they are waiting for the bus too. So now you have just expressed a common interest and already begun to build a bond of shared circumstance.

If you're at the bar, and see a good looking girl, just walk up and say something like " I can't believe how expensive the drinks are here." Everyone knows alcohol is expensive at a bar and we all agree. Also if she's an attractive girl and used to being hit on all night you just stepped outside the normal routine by not opening up with some cheesy line that she's heard before. In fact you didn't come onto her at all. What you did do was invite her to respond by expressing a mutual circumstance that includes her as your equal and sharing the dilemma.

By not hesitating when engaging anyone you are imparting originality and confidence regardless of whether you actually possess it or not. By not leaving yourself time to rehearse your lines or responses you are also not allowing your mind time to debate the worst case scenario. Believe it or not you have also expressed interest in the person you are speaking to and implied that you value their opinion. While all this is happening at a subconscious level it is still happening nonetheless.

People want to be liked and heard. If people think you like them and are genuinely interested in what they have to say they will gladly talk to you. After all for most of us our favorite topic of discussion is in fact ourselves. Give people the opportunity to express something about who they are or what they like. Invite them to share with you by making statements that impart something about yourself. Finally by not hesitating you also give the appearance of not having an ulterior motive.

Listen to the Reply

After you took a deep breath, stood up straight, walked over to whoever you want to talk to and made your original open ended statement now it's time to listen. Some people may give you a quick, short reply, the more outgoing among us may actually take the initiative at this point and fire back with a statement of our own. I should point out at this stage that it would be wise when approaching complete strangers to choose your target carefully. I would advise that you engage outgoing friendly people, often characterized by their smiles, and willingness to make eye contact with you as you come near.

As you first begin overcoming your own shyness on your journey to build confidence these people will actually help you to carry on a conversation. As you become more seasoned and experienced you can experiment with more withdrawn or shy people. For now though you need to find those that will help you not shut you down with a terse and negative reply, After all you want to meet positive outgoing people yourself don't you? Find an extroverted talkative friend. watch them go out with them.

Listen to what people say. Don't just wait for your turn to talk. Think about the best conversations you have ever had, whether it was with your shrink or with a past partner, what made it memorable was probably that the person listened to what you had to say. If you truly desire to engage in great conversation you have got to learn how to be a good listener. people will tell you everything you need or want to know about themselves if you will only listen. We reflect our moods and emotions in our speech. The words we choose to use and how we say them speak mountains towards our disposition.

When people reply to something you say, turn and face them, look them in the eye and let them know they have your attention. Listen to the words they say, and when they are done speaking don't just blurt something out. This reeks of being a prepared response and also suggests you were ignoring them. take a moment to consider what they said before responding.

Coming across as thoughtful and considerate can be a great boost to how people perceive you. When first starting a conversation people do not know you and have only a few quick seconds to decide if they want to continue the interaction or not. In these precious moments, how you reply or even hold yourself will speak volumes towards your character and intent. The guarded and jaded woman at the bar may fire back with something negative to test you. The predatory man looking for a quick score will probably bow out and move on to easier game.

The thoughtful man will take a moment to consider her words and the reasoning behind them. He might observe her body language and face, is she facing him or leaning in close or turning away? People will give you clues to what they mean. However if you're mouth is going a mile a minute you will probably miss these little signals and only end up offending those you talk to, and miss out on a wonderful opportunity to get to know those around you.

Thoughts on Conversation

As this article unfolds it has become obvious to me that I will again have to continue this. This topic really can not fully be explained in a few short paragraphs.Indeed even a book would still barely break the surface of this discussion. Confidence is a trait all should possess if they really desire a life of their choosing. Men today suffer from a serious lack of confidence in every aspect of their lives that has led to a dramatic rise in depression anxiety and other mental conditions that in short could be avoided. Many of us turn to online dating sites in our desperation to meet the partner we desire.

I often read on these sites that many people express a feeling of frustration with bars and traditional public gatherings where men and women congregate. I've come to realize that what we have come to dislike is not what these places are about but that we don't know how to talk to people anymore in America. We 're uncomfortable in social settings and unsure of how to proceed. Men don't want to seem desperate, and women too forward.

Men in particular have forgotten the skills of conversation and small talk. We really just don't know how to talk to women. We as a group spend billions every year trying to learn this skill. We go to seminars, meetings, and enroll in courses to overcome our own shyness and ultimately insecurities. Ironically though I have learned over the past several years that women are just as shy and insecure. That gorgeous woman at the bar that's not talking to anyone, isn't so much stuck up, as she is unsure. She's most likely just as afraid and shy as any many around her. However she's also very guarded and careful. In the literal sense women have alot to lose by choosing the wrong man. As much as she would like to meet a good man, she is also wary of impostors and game players.

You as a person are equipped with a tremendous array of senses and abilities to detect falsehood, and truth. However trapped behind our computer screens we have forgotten to a large extent how to use these tools to help us. What we need to be doing is practicing our conversation skills by getting out there and engaging people. We need to talk friends. We are social animals and everything about us was made to reflect that. We are geniuses at recognizing patterns and gestures. As this series of articles continues I will be focusing more and more on the male side of interacting and meeting people, but in the mean time I would stress to everyone looking to build confidence to get out in your community and start talking to people. be fearless and do not hesitate. However be smart, learn to listen and when to shut up. A wise man once said..." I would rather people think me a fool, then open my mouth and have it confirmed..", good luck friends

To Be Continued.....