Kia Ora - Welcome to New Zealand. Everything that you have heard about good old NZ is not all true. We do Not wear grass skirts!! Sure one or two Lumberjacks have made the news lately: But they were tourists and not the Real Kiwis of New Zealand or from A-o-te-a-rower (The Land of the Long White Crowd). I mean; Give us a Fair Go eh? NZ is a thriving wee place where legends have been created. Where a Bumble Bee Keeper who conquered his fear of heights, came from; Not to mention the All Blacks, Cynthia Longdrop, Charles Dorwon, Phar Lap, Itsour Pavlova, Sir Keith Park, Ernest Rutherford, Pearldiver, Peter Jackson, Sam Neil, Tim & Neil Finn, Jimi Hongidrix, Jandles, Bluff Oysters, Weetbix, Marmite, Watties Tomato Sauce, Charles Goldie, U3, Brooke Fraser, Dame Kiri, Gumboots, Black Singlets, Aunt Daisy, Edmond's Cookbook, Bahh-Imamess-ok of Bubble Town and of course Rachael Trumpet.

We have more on our census you know mate!. We have a population of approx. 44 million as per our latest census; We are bloody Huge by Stewart Island standards. 4,000,001 people including 1477 Bumble Town residents. We share our day to day lives with another mob of 39,999,999 others; that we affectionately refer to as Sheep. Most 'Kiwis' are known to control themselves socially when it comes to sheep. We identify that sheep are not really great conversationalists. However, out in the back country, well.. there are a few blokes who enjoy the company of them. As a tourist, you can usually tell those blokes, by checking out their landing gear; if they have on a pair of fleece lined Gumboots; avoid them!

Yeah sorry, I digress, right, where is Bumble Town? That really would depend on which search engine you are using. For the uninitiated it is in the North Island of NZ, nestled on the side of the central dormant volcano Mt. Bumble aka the mountain running track. Below the town meanders Blackwater Stream; which triples as the town's water supply, public baths and where they grow medicinal herb.

The reason it is hard to explain how you find Bumble Town is because it is really hard to find. It is like stepping back in time. The town is completely surrounded by pine trees, 10,000 acres of them, which provide some locals with a habitat, deer, wild pigs (Achooo!) 'cuse me, possum, wabbit and the occasional moose. As the mayor is always happy to point out; "They don't want for much" and "Our kids have educational opportunities like nowhere else!"

The town boasts a modern Shopping Mall in the CBD containing: the Busy Body Gym, Arlo's Wine Shop, A Feral Meat Butchery, Lumberjack Training Centre, Barry the Barbarba, A Ladies Underwear Shop, Hardware Shop, A Hungi Shop, Teenage Pregnancy Centre, Social Welfare, Pub, Trading Post, Bank, Debit Union, Information Centre, Another Pub, Wino Shop, Coffee bar and a Knife Sharpening business called Dac 'n Nife. And, sorry a Pizza Shop, Police Box, Town Hall, Bumble Town Business Ass.,Tui Centre, Whitebait Filleting business and a Cloak n Dagger place where the celebrity 'movers and shakers' meet; to strategise what to do with those they don't like and/or feel threatened by.  Everyone here knows that business is 'not too good.'

Bumble Town was said to have been found and ered as a result of an ancient 'Light Traveller' called Bahh-Imamess-ok landing here mistakenly and getting his foot caught in a flax possum ginn-trap. Apparently the local Maori tribe heard him crying out in pain for over two years; but were scared that he might have been too big for their pot. I suspect it was just an early display of apathy. Legend has it that Bahh-Imamess-ok died as a result of neglect and his form then became that of a giant tree, twisted in pain and leafless. The natives of Bumble Town, were cursed with having the first rays of earth's sunlight each day and exiled to the forests.

Bumble Town has a lovely setting, if you approach the town from the east via the Blackwater Stream, by canoe or small tinny with an 8 hp outboard motor. However it must be noted that if the speed limit of 2 mph is exceeded your boat can be confiscated. They trick visitors all the time into giving up their boats, in the hope the (female) visitors stay. Entry to the enclave that is Bumble Town, can only be gained by boat, or by way of what the locals call the magic mushroom track, which starts on the outskirts of Hamilton and weaves through the volcanic central plateau and Bumble Town. It's a hell of a walk.

Best season to avoid Bumble Town is definitely the 'rutting' season, although Arlo's Bar tends to rock off it's foundations at this time; as lines of grubby foresters converge on poor old Arlo, for a ticket number that they stick on their foreheads, to ensure that no one 'jumps' the queue. I'm sure nothing like this happens anywhere else on earth. For anyone with self respect, Bumble Town activities may seem somewhat primate and yes that's exactly what makes the town unique. The Mayor as head honcho, states "I am under constant pressure to control the mounting ambitions of over 1000 folk, my 'short' councillor and my own; and not necessarily in that order!"

Strangely; most male tourists tend not to make the trip home. Many are found months later: wondering aimlessly and glassy eyed in the forests; declaring their love of those mushroom things. Completely deserted female tourists tend to be welcomed personally by our mayor; who seems to always have pressing business on his mind. He's not a bad bloke - silly as a butcher's partyhat, but who else would spend 50 years of their life directing traffic at Gossip Central, other than that dirty, dirty man Willy Gropyer(?) who works in the ladies undies shop and states he still hasn't sold a bra under size 44DD, in all of the 16 years he has offered personal fittings. Can they be helped I ask myself, is there any way that something more positive could occur here? The smart money is always on our resident Morepork (native owl).. he doesn't miss a beat and has promised to keep an eye on the goings on that are gong to go on when they find out that the world has discovered Bumble Town - NZ .

The people of Bumble Town make the place its most enjoyable. They are well practiced gossip mongers who are often found telling themselves the newest rumour. This sort of buzz keeps them believing that their lives are worthwhile. That's a positive, I guess. I will shortly be posting adoption advertisements, in the hope that somewhere Bumble Town will have a future; beyond the rutting season.

To demonstrate the frustrations that I have to suffer as a missionary: I asked a 46 year old man this question; "Tootz... If we have a Blue Moon here right at the moment .... What Colour will the Moon be on the Other Side of the World right now?" OMG.. Help Us Please... After a great deal of thought (like 20 mins) he replied; "RED." Are you Sure?? "Yep.. I Know it's Red!"

But to be fair there are alot of really good folk here who just love the mountain running track. They are out there running around the mountain in a Clockwise direction; day in, day out... for months. I couldn't help having a wee grin to myself, yesterday when I watched 30 plus Mountain runners walking up to the starting line. I thought: "OMG, with all these sheep in NZ, have these people learnt nothing from their woolly neighbours?"

They were all Limping up to the Start Line. Surely; everyone knows that if you only run around a slope clockwise direction, your Right Leg will become shorter than your Left Leg! I Kid You Not.

Thank you for reading this. If you enjoyed it please let me know. Look forward to next weeks news from possibly New Zealand's most hard case place... All characters here are fictitious Maybe? For me (Until I'm Drawn and Quartered) this is Bumble Town - New Zealand ... Home.

And From the Kids of Bumble Town - whom we may give a positive future to : Kia Ora.

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