Bumbo Recall - Baby Chair Seat is NOT a Baby Sitter

The Bumbo baby chair is under recall! Read on to learn more of this dangerous chair before it gets beneath the bottom of a tot you care about.

Umbo...

Ubmbo...

Bbumbo...

Vumbo...

Numbo...

Gumbo...

Humbo...

Bmbo..

Bmubo...

However you know it's name, it's a weird word for a weird looking product that's been called the most innovative infant chair on the market. It's won awards, certificates and they'll take your credit card if you want to buy one for your tiny lil bundle of love.

But is it safe?

Can you afford to walk away and leave your baby sitting by his or her self unattended while you watch soap operas and smoke your Virginia Slims?

Can you run gossip with Mrs. Walton next door when you ask for sugar as little Olivia screeches from her pastel purple Bumbo seat back at your house?

Apparently not.

The Bumbo seat is in fact being recalled!

According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, located in Washington DC of all places, the product is dangerous and nearly THIRTY children have been hurt already! There are approximately a million Bumbos lurking in American homes as I write, so this is not a one in a million kind of incident. It is infact, a thirty in a million incident. Those odds are quite ugly, friends.

Not only is this foam baby chair dangerous, it's also been deemed distasteful by Better Homes & Gardens magazine and the director of the television series Trading Spaces, Walter Perriman. The Bumbo comes in colors including yellow, aqua and LIME GREEN. No child deserves to be visually assaulted with lime green. Something had to be done. The recall lead to huge troubles for Bumbo International, a South African company which, surprisingly, is the manufacturer of the Bumbo baby chair.

Now this is not news, we know these things. The Bumbo is dangerous, the Bumbo can hurt children and lead to poor taste in color schemes for home decor later in life, but what in in the name of Jehosaphat *is* a Bumbo?

At first I thought perhaps it was a cute little made up cartoon character. Or maybe a roly-poly little beetle. Maybe even some clever ploy to harness the magical charm of Disney's famed Dumbo without paying royalties.

No, dearest readers, Bumbo is something far, far more sinister. It is, in fact, also known by the names of Bombo or Bumboo. Heard of it? No? Well, perhaps you haven't sailed the seven seas with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom or spent enough time burning villages and stealing gold? Perhaps YOU are not a pirate?

That's right! I have proof that this product is named after a drink. Not just any drink, either. I mean I might be mildly offended by the idea of my son or daughter sitting in a Franzia high chair or a Michelob playpen, but the very concept of Bacardi bassinet is downright insulting!

You know what Bumbo is? Well, allow me to inform you, sweet readers. If you take some water, sugar and nutmeg, mix that together and throw in some RUM, you'll have a Bumbo! Can you believe this insanity? For years the subliminal message to partake of devil's liquor has been infiltrating infant minds. Nevermind rating movies, video games and all that, no we've got to worry about whether the carseat was designed by diabolical marketing geniuses to prod our children into never even getting ON the wagon, much less ever falling off!

It's a shame, but that's what the American public has done to their children. We've entrusted their precious Pampers-padded bottoms to a product inspired by the pirate's choice booze! It tasted better than the British Navy Grog, they said, so they drank themselves sideways in Carribean shantys planning plunders of new ports. This is the same brew George Washington used to get himself elected, you might be interested to learn. Knew there was something sneaky about that wooden-toothed wig-wearer, didn't you?

So take that silly seat right back to Target or Wal-Mart or wherever you found that foam abomination. Or do whatever it is your supposed to do for the recall, but PLEASE for America's future get rid of it! Pirates of the Carribean was bad enough! We don't need these kids in college and having their conversations go like this:

"Ahoy, Aiden! What say ye we blow off class like a strong gail and fetch a pail of BUMBO together!"

"Aye! It'd be a pleasure to drown me sorrows over my Physics 101 finals with ye, Jacob, let's shiver our timbers back to the dorms!"

No, we don't need that sort of future, friends. Stop the madness now, burn a Bumbo today!

This article and others in my Very True Facts series are intended as humor pieces to amuse you. Please do not assume them to be facts (though I have included some), but if you've gotten a chuckle or two out of it, please DO send it to your friends and family! Also, thanks for taking the time to read my silliness.