I'm in my second year of living in Chicago, and living in big city, like anything else, you have to take the bad with the good. Chicago has countless great things to offer: theatre, restaurants, bars, festivals, sports, music, etc. But in between each of these things is the grit of Chicago: the homeless. Now I've only lived in Chicago a little over a year, so I can't give you a full list of every crazy-ass mofo in the city, but I have compiled a list of some of the more unique ones:

Dirty Chicken Man - I've only ever seen him once, and I sincerely hope it stays that way. One night on the red line, he stepped onto the train and stood near the door. He was smelly, dirty, and holding a big bucket of chicken. Apparently it was delicious, seeing as how he munched it with the skin hanging out of his mouth, like a cow chewing its cud.

Sleepy Creepy - This older gentleman resides in the underground tunnel between the red line and the blue line at the Jackson stop in the loop. He sits on the ground, holding a cup, you know the drill. But he doesn't ask for change; he uses a different technique to get sympathy. He sits there with his eyes closed, with a kind of pained expression on his face. This approach seems to work better than the "Spare change? God bless you," method because I once witnessed a guy drop a ten dollar bill into his cup.

Shit Monster - Now, this person holds a special place in my heart. I'm pretty certain that he is, indeed, a man, and I think his designated area is on Madison Avenue just outside the loop. I, along with my two other utterly repulsed friends, noticed someone squatting behind a pillar (well, I recall it as being a pillar, but due to the repulsive act that was taking place before my eyes, I could be mistaken) in front of a big business building. We saw him pull up his underwear -- when he was finished shitting, of course -- and we hastened our pace so as to put as much distance as we possibly could between ourselves and what had just come out of his ass.

Jesus Man - This individual takes up his post on the sidewalk that runs into the Madison bridge between Canal and Wacker. He stands there holding a cup asking for change next to a small sandwich board with a picture of Jesus on it, in an attempt to make you feel really guilty and make you wonder if you might just go to hell if you deny him change.

Bootylicious - This lady loves her some good tunes. She can sometimes be seen at the Starbucks on Roosevelt and Michigan, bopping her booty away to the chillaxing jams that can always be heard at Starbucks. Even when you don't give her money, she keeps on a-groovin'.

"I'm Super-Duper Poor, But I Have Enough Money to Ride the Train" Guy - So far, I've only encountered him once in Chicago, but I'm sure our paths will cross again. I've run into him in New York as well. He is an ever-present being, coming in many different shapes, sizes, and forms, who resides in public transport trains throughout the cities of the U.S. His tactic is to get on the el train or subway and make a general announcement to the whole train car, giving an emotional speech about staying in a men's shelter and "just want[ing] some food". Hey, man, how about this: instead of paying to ride the train just to beg people, why don't you use that money instead to get a sandwich at Jimmy John's, or a burger at McDonald's?

Just for the record, I don't have anything against the homeless. I sympathize with their situation and sometimes do give them money if I have some spare change on me. But every now and then I run into the strangest people, like those mentioned above, and feel compelled to share my obersvations.