Bush Acclimates to Europe, Hasn't Bathed in Weeks

Marseilles, France - President George Bush is acclimating comfortably to French culture in his first trip to the Republic since the start of the Iraq War. In addition to limiting his bathing habits to once or twice a month, Bush is said to have taken up smoking, is drinking voluminous amounts of wine, and complaining about American culture.

"Le Monde," France's leading newspaper, is reporting that Bush has signed a deal with Paris-based Le Seuil to publish a book of poetry. Bush remained hushed about the poetry deal, preferring instead to rail against his countrymen. "Americans are far too solipsistic," explained a rather pasty and disheveled Bush to the foreign press corps in Marseilles, as he sniffed a glass of freshly poured Merlot. "How else can we speak of their dauntless individualism?" Bush then challenged the reporters to name "a single Yankee scribe on the level of a Sartre, or a Proust!"

With a sudden change of travel plans, aides have postponed the remainder of Bush's original itinerary indefinitely. On Wednesday, Bush was to discuss missile defense with NATO leaders, but opted instead to attend the theatre. He then snubbed the European Union, which had gathered for a pivotal summit, when he refused to break away from "a rather cogent disquisition" in a Parisian coffee house, although he did send the EU his "warmest regards."

Bush was originally met in Europe by hordes of angry protestors, who criticized the President on issues from the Iraq War to global warming to capital punishment. Since his arrival in Marseilles, however, the public's tone has changed considerably. "He has such a monumental intellect," touted Cherie Turin, a Parisian artist who dined with the President last evening at Maxim's de Paris. "He's changed my whole perspective on killing retarded inmates."