Sometimes I sit alone in the dark. I turn off the lights, TV, and anything that makes light....and settle down. I sit in my man chair, in the dark silence, and think. I'm sure in doing this process, its a cross between thinking, reflecting, and praying. What I think about most are my faults, journeys, and possible future. This evening I was thinking about change.

        Can a person really change who they are? Can a person unlearn all the bad habits that they have learned? I wonder because I find myself in the midst of this question. So many times I have heard "Jay you ain't never gonna change!" And after trying over and over I am beginning to believe them. Everyday I become more frustrated about the things that I cant change. But these are things that I need to change to have a better life, or just to function. So its not about except the things I cant change and move on. Its about changing these things....period.
        My situation is this. I have anger issues. First off, there is nothing wrong with being angry, its what you do when your angry. Its your actions that displeases God. I have impulse issues. I simply react to my first thought. And alot of times I don't even know what I am doing. This problem of control concerns me greatly. If a person has no self-control, that person is dangerous. For a while I thought I was a socio-path. I am very open about this because I am concerned, and someone else could be going through the same problems. I find myself moody and angry for no reason at times. I'm also paranoid, and I don't trust anyone. I go through anxiety spells, and my chest tightens. I feel crazy, and cant figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Trying to see doctors is a joke. I mean who the hell can pay for health care these days? My lady said I would be a perfect man if I could control my temper. We sat down and talked. I told her why doesn't God hear me? She couldn't answer it, and neither can I. But I pray about this all the time. She said my mood swings are so crazy, she doesn't know how to talk to me. So in the dark I always ask God why? If this was something I could fix on my own, I would have fixed it already. But every time after my rages, I am left in utter confusion. Love can only endure so much, and any form of abuse is just too much.
         If you read my Hub about child abuse you will see that those children grow up to be scarred adults. And I don't care how famous they are, or how educated they are, you can see it in all of them, some just hide it better. As for me? I was physically and mentally abused. I was beat everyday as a child, majority of the time for just being in the same room. Mom had a coke habit, and an evil temper. I have never been more terrified of anyone, accept my mother. She was a mean woman with a lust to be little, and to inflict pain. I hated that woman. I often wished she was dead. I then to, would ask where is God? It got so bad I became a ward of the state at 12 years old.
        I was always quiet, and kept to myself. It wasn't until I was in my mid 20's I began to go into rages. But I never really thought I had a problem then. Now well into my 30's, this crap needs to stop. Don't tell me the past doesn't affect the future, because it does. I never thought I had a problem until I began to see a pattern of people coming and going in my life. I looked in the mirror, and noticed all along it was me. When you find out that your the problem, it can be depressing. You begin to realize you wasted so much time blaming others instead of blaming yourself. I believe God has a plan for me. I believe there is a lesson in all of this. I merely just ask for forgiveness, and self control. I don't blame my mother for me and my actions as an adult. I blame her for not providing the tools to be a good person. So this is where I will wait for the Lord. No paid doctors, can fix what Jesus can. But it doesn't mean I wont give them a chance. So I will pray until something happens.