Can Men & Women Just Be Friends?
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Can a man and a woman be friends without any sexual agenda?
No.
Not unless at least one of them is gay.
OK, all kidding aside, it is possible. A straight man and woman can be friends, without one or both of them wanting to jump the other's bones, eventually. But it's not likely. And here's why: Women tend to develop attraction through intimacy. Men tend to develop attraction through proximity.
Women & Intimacy
Imagine this, ladies. Your sexy bad-boy boyfriend has stood you up again. You're feeling jilted and bummed. You call your guy-friend up, you're vulnerable and sad. He comes over.
You do the stuff that friends do. You order a pizza, you put on the Flippin Out marathon, and you talk. You talk about this boyfriend that's been dicking you around.
As the night unfolds and the wine is poured, you open up about the shitty relationship you had with your father. And the patterns you seem to have. You talk about your first boyfriend. Your first kiss. Your first time. It's comfortable, talking to your friend. It's easy. You open up.
The next boyfriend is a co-worker. You're together 8 hours a day. Things seem to have developed. You can't help it. But it's complicated your office-life.
You get together with your guy-friend and you talk about what a dumb idea it was to get involved with a co-worker. He knows you pretty well, and he listens. He offers some thoughts that show how close you two really are, like how you're still choosing men that are dangerous, you've just changed the danger.
When it falls apart, your guy friend is there. He gets you. Not like these idiot boyfriends. He gets you in a bigger way.
See where I'm going with this? Women find their attraction through intimacy. Often they mistake sex for intimacy, but that's another story.
Men & Proximity
Maybe proximity isn't the best word to use. But men tend toward building attraction over time. A woman that is a constant in his life has a better chance of attracting him, than a woman that isn't.
Let's say a guy goes to an art gallery once, and thinks the curator is a knock out. He smiles, maybe he flirts. And often times he goes home and that's it. If he doesn't frequent that gallery, he considers that pretty woman to be a ship that passed in the night. It's common for a guy not to feel secure or brave enough to approach a stranger.
On the other hand, let's say the guy sees a woman he finds attractive all the time. A co-worker, a woman he runs into in Starbucks all the time, a neighbor, his chiropractor, a woman that uses the same dog park, a woman in his gym.
This is his territory. This is his strike zone. This is where he feels familiar. She becomes an acquaintance. She is not a stranger. Over the course of time they share a few laughs, a few conversations. He finds his confidence.
That's the woman he'll ask out.
Eventually...
Eventually, if the two people in question are single and available, she will translate the friendship as intimacy. And he will discover how comfortable and familiar this is.
Even if initially these two would-be friends do not find any initial sexual or physical attraction for each other, it can arise. I has happened that over time she finds him attraction, because they've become so close. And it has also happens that he discovers she's attractive because of how she makes him feel.
The Final Word
What if both parties are already in significant, happy, committed relationships. Is it possible that they can be platonic friends? Yes, of course. Especially if the friends are respectful and supportive of each other's relationships.
But people don't become cut off sexually from the rest of the world just because they are taken. If he has a fight with his wife, and his friend offers an understanding shoulder, he can translate that comfort into attraction. If she feels unheard in her relationship, she can find the closeness she shares with her friend, more attractive.
In this circumstance there is only a problem if they act on the impulse.
I am absolutely not saying a man and woman can never be friends without having sex. That would be absurd. Of course they can. And of course there are people that mean it when they make a commitment. I'm not saying that it's a given that anyone is going to cheat on their spouse.
The question is, can a man and woman be friends without there ever being some kind of sexual tension or agenda. What I'm answering is, even good platonic friendships between good people still might have some kind of sexual energy at least some of the time.
That doesn't mean the friendship isn't worth it. Sexuality is part of being human. Your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of or awkward about. You should be able as a mature adult to maintain a healthy marriage or partnership, in addition to continuing to be a sexual independent creature.
The thing here, is realizing that the friends do not have to ACT on any minor occasional sexual energy. Of course you can be friends, but don't expect your sexuality to just shut itself off. It's there. So what. Go on with your life and your friendship.
Denying yourself the liberty to be sexually aware is unhealthy. Being honest, being mature, and loving yourself are the keys to all your relationships, including your platonic ones.
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Comments
I think you just proved 3 of the points I made, Darlin'. Thanks ;)
Well you just cleared up why after 33 years my partner left me for a younger woman..they just got too friendly....and he finally had an affair...6 months later I found out..counseling didn't help..I went into a deep depression...as he kept his affair going..her and me..me and her..till finally I asked to leave and move in with her...one month later he was gone...
It's been 2 yrs. now and My heart is healing..slowly ever so slowly..but I now have a new "friend" and am excited about it..I am no young thing (68) but still have those sex feelings..and you are right on thank you for words of wisdom...G-Ma :o) hugs
G-MA,
I'm really sory for what you've been through. Glad to hear you have a new friend! I hope things go the way you'd like them to.
XOXO
Haha... This is an interesting hub.. You made well your points and I couldn't have explained it better. Eventually for me, it just depends...sometimes it's better to be friends than lovers if you ask me.. And besides not all man-woman relationship necessarily end up with intimacy. Great job with the hub!!
perfectly put, honesty I didn't want to read the entire thing... I like things short and sweet, BUT I went back after reading the comments and gave it a go.
I have platonic friends, I'm also sure we've thought about each other more than once sexually, but never crossed that line. I'm not "that" girl.
happy hubbing
GreatGoji - Thanks. It is good to have friends that are just friends, I agree.
Britt - Excellent! I'm so glad you read it through, that means alot to me. What you describe is exactly what I was going for. Yes, you can have platonic friends that stay platonic, but the sexual thoughts happen, and there is nothing unhealthy about that, it's just a matter of accepting it.
Veronica-Your advice and comments were right on the money. If I could add one more, it would be not to be in a private setting with a friend of the opposite sex. Go for coffee, go to the park, but don't sit around an apartment/house/etc. with just the two of you. Being out in public will help control any stray impulses or urges to act irrationally.~Arlie
If this question was asked twenty years ago, then I would wholeheartedly agree that it would be difficult not to have any sort of sexual tension between a man and woman. I may be naive, but I'm hoping we've evolved enough to value another human being without all the drama.
LOL You know, I have had a male friend since college. And yes, we wondered why we never got involved. LOL We always, innocently, flirt, but one of us was always in a relationship and neither wanted to 'cheat'. Like this year, I got married, he got divorced. Figures! LOL But we stay friends, limiting our talking to short emails about what we are up to lately. Maybe, one day, if we both are free, we might explore going further....then again, who wants to ruin a friendship over sex??
Another great hub and yet another one that relates to my own circumstance. I think it can be dangerous territory when you are in a relationship. When you don't maintain proper barriers and you let yourself get too close to one of the opposite sex it can really threaten your relationship with your spouse. When you take fulfillment that your spouse once filled and start receiving that from another I think you slowly start distancing yourself from your spouse. That closeness you had slowly dies and you risk falling out of love and in love with your friend. There are many people out there we could be in love with and I think we must make the choice to maintain the love we chose. I think if it is your intent to stay with your current partner for life then you must maintain a proper awareness of how you are with your opposite sex friends. Sharing intimate details and confiding in this friend too often and being in constant contact is probably a bad idea. I think if you find yourself talking on the internet or phone every or most nights then you might be heading into dangerous territory. When our relationships are in a slump, which they all have at some point, I think we seek out whatever fullfilment we have lost at that time. And when this happens I think that is when we potentially give in to letting our emotions go where we never intended with our friends who provide that fullfilment.
But yea, I think you can be friends if you are aware enough, take your contact in moderation and maintain proper barriers. I believe most of us lack a certain amount of discipline though. It only takes a moment to ruin that friendship or your relationship. Just my thoughts from my experiences.
Thank you for your insight, Veronica. You write well, so fluid and easy to read. Always a joy to read.
Very interesting issue. In my case I've been friends with a man who I never found sexually attractive since day one but been keeping the friendship going now since last November. He had an attraction for me but not vice versa. I told him, I do short, I do tall, but I don't do fat. He's not slim and absolutely not my type. He has respected me.
He's the opposite of me in terms of personality. He's jovial, light, and funny. I'm a little somber, grounded, and seem too serious sometimes. I'm very independent, he can be a little too clingy. I said 'I just don't feel like doing things together' sometimes, and he would repeat the word 'together' in a funny way and we laughed. He functions to balance what I'm not. This is the one of the main reasons I like him around. He is not one of those guys who would look at me in a creepy way, he's not that type. No kiss or sex, just initially in the beginning a hug or two.
I think this may not be quite a common friendship.
Like how you write, it just amazes sometimes how clear your mind is in the way things are articulated. :-)
Yes, it is very possible to have a male/female friendship. My best friend, I've known over 20+ years. However, we've become closer over the last 5years. I can honestly say that nothing has ever happened between us. We have mutual friends who make "smart comments' and all we do is laugh. One of the main reasons is that people would love to listen to a lie, than the truth! I do agree that we can be flirty...but it's a healthy flirt....nothing over the top. We are there for each other and we talk every single day. I thank God for him. I really enjoyed reading this positive article!! Thanks :)
I've had so much trouble with this. But I keep trying! (--;
I do have female friends for long time now & I believe it is possible. What I noticed through experience is that opposite sex friends has more understanding. But majority of the time it starts with friendship and ends with bf & gf or marriage too every thing is possible.
But you are always afraid of loosing your friend.
~Sometimes i want to shout to the whole world how lucky i am to have you as my friend but sometimes i want to hush...afraid that somebody might take you away from me.~
hhhmmmm can a man and women just be friends. i would say no. yes you can be friends with that person for a little while then yal start doing alot of things together, yall talk about everythihng, you have alot of the same things in common, after awhile the ? pops up in your head ( WHAT IF ) whether the female or male thinks it it will eventually happen. when that happens you start to think of that person in a different light , you dont look at them as a friends anymore., and after a while you start wanting more because you feel that you two would be the perfect couple. she understands you and you understand her and yall just seem to match up so well. its an attraction thing you cannot find yourself being around a women that you are close to for so long before attraction comes inti play . you have a bad relationship she's there for you gives you advice and vica versa i mean how could you not gain feelins or want more with that women or man if they just seem like the type you want. its funny with my situation because the two women i call my sisters and best friends now i already dated so its backwards with me ive never been just friends with a women. i guess the men and women that have been friends with the opositte sex for a long time and been ok with i honestly dont know how they did it or are doing it maybe they are still denying the fact that there is something between them , mabye one is married and have them feelings but just dont let them get out because of that, or maybe they are just to scared to admit it. but thats my opinion of the topic
I have never been attracted to anyone who was not first a good friend. On the other hand, I have had several male friends with whom I've spent a lot of time and listened to their deepest problems over a period of years without an attraction ever developing on either side. Sometimes a close male/female relationship will catch fire if the potential for chemistry is there. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there for either one, and those relationships have so far proved pretty safe. I believe though, that the friendships with the potential to catch fire are not as rare as the ones that don't. I have to go along with the person who advised always meeting such friends in public places or where others are present. If you find yourselves wanting to be alone, it's a friendship that's ready to catch fire given the chance.
freindhips are built on intialy physical attraction and on the couples charismatic ora! Sex plays into it based upon the streingth of trust and respect for one another all sex is an extension of our admiration and values that play into it. The closer the bond the more likely sex is going to be a significant factor.If sex is not a midigating pyramid the freindship will eventualy fade and disolve.
spryte says:
17 months ago
I have been friends with a very dear man for almost...wow...has it been twenty years already?
In the earliest period of this relationship, people talked...we worked for the same company. He heard the gossip long before I did since a lot of people misconstrued our friendship and thought he was taking advantage of me. LOL!
He took me aside to let me know what he'd heard and to let me know that since it wsa my reputation...it was my choice on whether or not we should still be friends. I told him it didn't bother me at all...
He then gave me a sly grin and said, "Then...do you mind if I enjoy it for a while longer? I've never been considered the type of man that could seduce an innocent young woman before..."
This of course had me falling all over myself. He was definitely more of the Danny DeVito type than a Doctor McDreamy.
I told him of course he could...as long as he told his wife first.
And he did.
So my answer is definitely a resounding yes. Men and women can be the best of friends.
Thanks for a great hub! You write some wonderful thought provoking pieces.