Can you fall in love with someone you have never met?
81Falling in Love
In a certain way, it seems you have to fall in love with someone you've never met. When you get to know someone, how can you know you're in love unless you've already come to love certain characteristics that you find irresistibly attractive?
You have to know what it is or who you would fall in love with before you meet. If you don't know that, you won't have whatever it is that will trigger the falling in love.
Romantic love is romantic because it's based on an idea. The idea of the ideal person - someone who completes you, someone who you feel naturally matches your heartbeat and your very breath. Someone who is very different from you but complements you perfectly. Someone who makes you feel entirely like a woman - if you're a woman, and someone who makes you feel like you're a true man if you're a man.
You want your completor, the rest of your identity, that person who feels like your own heart and soul to you. But you cannot know these things unless you have formed that ideal in your mind and have pursued it. Then s/he walks in the room - you just know, you just know because you can't go wrong.
Meeting Someone Special
But the other side of the story might burst your bubble. There is no "someone" unless there IS. In other words, there has to be a real person, one you actually can or have met, one who is actually in your life to be the person you love.
What I mean is that it is easy to feel like you've fallen in love with the star of a movie you have never met, but that might not only be hopeless (since you may never meet), but also an enormous let down if you did. All you really do when you "fall in love" with an actor or person you haven't met is to shape the ideal of what it is to be in love.
It can be amazing how love works some times. There are people who've met, known each other for years, and only truly fallen in love after they never thought that would be possible.
How does that happen? Well, in part, it's because falling in love is about your life. Truly - it shouldn't be about what you hope your life should be but never becomes, it should be about what really is.
Falling in love doesn't have to be an experiment that if it doesn't work, you try an alternative - falling in love can be a wonderful process of finding, getting to know and bonding with the right person.
But that bond doesn't have to be some romantic lottery game, with sparks and endless thoughts of what might be - you can and probably should be good friends with someone for a long time, maybe even before you realize the sexual attraction is what it really is.
Of course, you want to have a tremendous sexual attraction - after all, it's hard to think of being in love without it. But you can definitely have the sexual attraction on a physical level, without having it on a much deeper level.
Online Dating
I tried online dating for awhile and found it was not for me. It seems to work out for some people, but unlike other relationships I've had, I was very disappointed in what the prospects were, after I tried dating through a few different online sites.
There always seemed to be plenty of girls to meet, but once we met, the story was very different. I usually felt like I had been getting to know a different person. Once I got away from online dating and just met people in ordinary ways, I felt a lot more like I was getting to know real people, with real lives of their own - not a romance story or a fantasy idea of the perfect mate.
The Perfect Match
I have to admit there was a time when I became enamored of someone I met online - and we never met. She was overseas. I longed to read her messages as often as I could. I wanted to hear her voice and I wanted to know everything I could about her.
I dreamed about her - and the dreams were very vivid and seemed real. Sometimes I would wake up and go through much of the day thinking about my dream as if she had been with me the day before and left, and felt like I was missing her.
I often thought I was communicating with my lifemate. Then when I moved from Georgia to Michigan, I took a month or two, as I told her I would, and got settled, before I started thinking about how we could finally actually meet each other and be together.
I finally got back to writing her, but she wasn't there. Her emails bounced back. To this day, I'm not sure what happened. Did she meet someone else? Maybe. Did things change in her life in that time otherwise - I doubt if I'll ever know.
But the even more curious question is what if I had met? Then what? My later experiences taught me to think it might not have been everything I thought it would when we were just writing and talking. No, I can't be sure. But, you know, another thing is that all the things I thought I loved about her - I'm not sure I would be in love with that now - or that I ever really was.
There was something about the unattainability of our relationship that made it so intriguing. If I had met her at a fun event and got to know her, would she have seemed so special? Maybe, but not necessarily someone I would have fallen in love with. In fact, I think now the odds are pretty slim I would have ever fallen in love with her.
Already Met, But Far Away
It's a funny thing. Now, I also realize that there's someone I knew a long time ago that I probably would have fallen in love with - if I had given it a chance. But she grew very far away from me, and yet, in a very realy I missed her. She was one of my closest friends - though I knew her for a short time, really. She was attractive, faithful, caring, fun - really everything I would have wanted in a mate...well, there's more to that story...for anotehr time and place.
Funny thing, though - to a guy, one of the most attractive things - at least when it comes to "falling in love", is a bit of unavailability.
I don't mean that in the sense of playing games. I also don't mean it in the sense of unattainability. But if someone is in another place, is making their own, independent life important - and is still charming, approachable and, at the right time, can be touched as well - that seems like the ideal circumstance for falling in love. But it's something quite different than the online type of relationship.
Can You Fall in Love with Someone You've Never Met?
Maybe it depends on what you mean by falling in love. For me, I'll take sight, touch, movement, etc. that comes with actually meeting someone, finding the real attraction, and letting the mystique of "getting to know" each other work its magic.
But I won't sell short the romantic idea of thinking about the ideal of that interesting stranger you've never actually met either. Surely off in the distance somewhere, at some time...don't you think?
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Comments
Thank you, Eve. I hope it's helpful to you...E
I know what your saying that the love you have for someone you never met is probably more of an ideal.I'll tell you though love when it comes you feel it and no matter if the person is right there or far away it feels the same.
I do believe even if you do end up falling in love with someone you haven't met you eventually do have to meet but never expect perfection.I think you have to think I love this person but unconditionally at this point in time and it is a friendship.if it is meant to be something more it will be.I know it is possible to love someone you haven't met because I'm experiencing it myself but keeping things in perspective.Can I love in the real world yes of course but to be honest my world is small and people are not as friendly as they used to be.
I think if you find love on the internet you use caution be realistic and don't expect too much too soon and think rationally.
I know what I feel and I'm optimisic I believe anything is possible.
SolaceMoon, I totally agree with you! I'm in this situation now. He and I are about 900 miles apart but have spent countless hours on the phone. We met by chance and emailed back and forth for 2 months before we started talking on the phone. I may not be completely in love with him yet...but I can feel myself falling (and this is not something that happens to me often). Although neither of us has told the other one, I think we both know. You can feel the connection and like you said, you just have to love them for who they are and when you meet, see what happens. At this point, I feel so much for this guy that the only way he could turn me off would be for me to find out that he's lied to me about something..and I seriously don't think that's the case.
SouthernGirl I really hope things work out for you! Honesty is the foundation of any relationship for sure! Nice to know there is someone else out there who understands what I'm feeling.I'm not alone.
It's very interesting to read all this experiences.
At the moment i write with a girl for almost two years who i absolutely adore, but their is one problem we both have relationships that are also important to us and we live not in the same country. We can talk about everything and we're also attracted to each other and we find something in each other that we both need. Call it romance or something else, but we both know that ending our relationships will probably not happen. My dilemma is that i feel i really love her but you are not able to take it one step further than keeping in touch with each other. The wonderful feeling of being in love can hurt even if you've never met each other.
You can fall in love with someone you've never met. I've had loads of crushes, but what makes it worse is, this is the first time I've genuinly fallen in love and she's taken. :(
I think it's possible to fall in love with someone over the internet. Love is a deep connection. One that can't be obtained at first glance. I think that when you're not able to hold that person close to you and see them and kiss them on a regular basis. It bonds you closer so that when you finally do meet.. it'll be magical. One day I'll be able to experience that magic. :)
I'm actually in the situation right now.... I havent met her yet but i'm really trying to. The fact is that i really do think i've fallen in love with her and we are currently dating. The drawback though is that we live 8 and alomost 9 hours apart... and another thing that bothers us are the people around us think that its not true love because of the fact that we haven't met
I too am currently going through this experience of feeling sure i am falling in love with a guy whom i've been in email, text and phone communication for for 3 months. Its hit me like a ton of bricks and i've been trying very hard to suppress it, thinking it can not be possible. Now let me tell all you sceptics.....i've been married 3 times so its not as if i'm a stranger to relationships. I can honestly say i have never felt a connection like this before. Furthermore i've chatted with dozens of guys online and even dated a couple of them. I really was not trying very hard to meet someone as was quite happy with my lot......i truly believe after having read the various posts on here about this subject that it must be possible. I thought i was going mad and that this could not be real or happening to me. On the down side...i'm finding it extremley frustrating as it has awoken all my desires that have been laying dorment. I feel like a woman possessed i want him so much. Also, I worry there not be any phsyical attraction when we finally do meet. How awful would that be after such intense feelings....i'm so scared of this that i'm avoiding meeting him. Please help i think i'm going mad.
Thanks for your comment, MaddiesMum, I understand the dilemma.
Go meet this guy and soon!
Sometimes I have observed women taking what they think is a small risk, like connecting online with someone who doesn't have their phone number, address, etc. - in hopes of a very large gain, i.e. meeting the soul mate.
In reality, it's often just the opposite. It's a big risk - falling for someone you've never even met - with a very unlikely payoff when everything is said and done.
Honestly, what you're feeling now is the shift between the assumption of a small risk to the understanding of how great this risk really is. But being true to yourself, you've now put your biggest chip - your own heart - on the table. Knowing that, you don't want to fold, you should play out your hand.
But before you do, work through that honest assessment you've been making - the lack of a physical attraction could kill what has been kindled behind the scenes.
Truly, one of the serious pitfalls of online dating is how a woman invests her heart in the process. She often sets herself up for disappointment whether the guy turns out to be Mr. Right, but doesn't like her nearly as much, or just an average Joe - in which case she has invested a lot into something she really didn't want.
Meet that guy as early on as you can, transparency is quite important in making romance work! Either way, then you'll know. And if it does work, you'll be asking yourself, why did we wait so long to meet?
Having been through this a number of times myself, I agree you should meet as soon as possible, otherwise the fantasies you are each building in your heads will overwhelm reality. As much as you tell each other not to make expectations, it is human nature and it happens. I've gotten much better at this, since online dating seems to be the only way to meet guys. Trying my best to stay open and not fall so early, but easier said than done, no? Can't speak for the other person, although I am tired of him being disappointed when we meet. Not great for the ego. But hey, life is about trying.
Kate, all the credit to you for hanging in there. I think you are very wise to think about meeting a guy early on. It may feel vulnerable to a woman, but doesn't it make you feel more vulnerable if you wait and come away hurt because the experience couldn't live up to expectations?
This is a very good hub.I plan to read more of your hubs.Writing from experience is a great way to hold interest.I truly have been in this situation.And when the person find out that you are not what they thought both get hurt.Thanks for being a fan.Enjoy your journey.>peace 2 u.
"Jaanee" That what he calls me by! We've only known each other for short period of time, and never met, but when he called today...he asked "the question"... I don't know what to do or what to say other than give me time. I don't know if I love him or not, but I do know that he's a great guy.
ppl who love ppl from the internet JUST MEET QUICKLY
Yes u can fall in love even though you havent met its a spirital connection.
I don't know what to say...I met someone I was not even wanting to meet at 3 in the a.m one night while he walked in to a restaurant I was eating at and he stopped completely what he was doing and focused completely on me and as if time ceased and the people around us did not exist ..I paid him no mind at first and then spent about an hour with him. Afterwards, I was still indifferent about him. He asked me to meet him the next day and I did and I saw myself falling at that moment. We spent 2 hours. I wanted to spend all day with him, but I couldn't...the next day he had to leave back home to Europe. ;( That was in January and we are still calling and writing and I send him care packages ..but he made it clear at the beginning of our writing back and forth that he was not interested in a long distance relationship...It has not stopped me or him from talking to each other..at this point in October ...I think of him all day ..I keep telling myself it is the unattainability of this human being..but the energy I feel from him is so intense...he isn't even my type! lol. He brings out my femininity, makes me want to sell everything so I can go find him.. Love makes you do crazy things..I feel like i'm eight with my first crush.I can't get him out of my head and we don't say love or mention anything of the sort. On my part, it is mainly because of fear of rejection and looking like im infatuated. He is a little more open with being sweet and silly with me.. and I go crazy when I don't hear from him..
He is a fairly busy man and yet calls me from every country he is visiting at that time..
I tell myself..here I go again falling for someone who doesn't feel the same..but for some reason I don't feel that is true..something tells me he has intense feelings for me..a good friend (guy) told me," a guy is not going to continue talking to you like that without having some feeling or thought " which totally makes sense to me now.
But look at me I am on a blog!!!talking about this..
Im definitley of a hopeless romantic.
well i have met someone thats in iraq right now. we obviously cant meet until feb but even then he lives in AK and im in CA. i spend all my free time talking to him and all time to sleep talking to him because theres a 12 hour difference. he accepts my flaws and makes me feel happy. i worry that he could be lying to me about things when im sitting here falling head over heels. i feel crazy!!
I am going to put this in the simplest way possible:
I honestly don't think its wise to weave a web of thoughts and create an ideal image of the person that you have never met. If you do so, you are most certainly setting yourself up for disappointment - and I say this from experience. I rushed into an online dating relationship and created an image of a person who I had never met! In the beginning its great with all the daydreaming but when reality sets in, boy is it a whole different picture! It was a big shocker for me, it was difficult for me to face the reality and I couldn't come to terms with it, I was so attached to the picture I had created that I thought I was in love with the guy who wasn't who I "thought" he was... in reality i wasnt attracted to him, did not find him intellectually stimulating, just overall did not like him... the "real" picture of him was the opposite of the "ideal" picture.. and when you are in love with the idea of that person, its very difficult to accept the reality.. its as if you are in a denial and believe that person to be who you want them to be. Long story short, BAD IDEA... you will leave yourself confused if you go along those lines and it doesn't end well... I'm just glad that I broke myself out of that web, phew! and met someone who is perfect for me =)
I do believe that love comes later when two people meet and start knowing each other well. The best love so far is one that is developed and nurtured well until it sprout naturally and it would be beautiful. this is a great topic and I do like it. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you. This cleared my questions, and I agree with your prospect.
Thank you. This cleared my questions, and I agree with your prospect.
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evemurphy says:
10 months ago
Elusen: this is an eloquently phrased answer that I agree with in many particulars!