Perez Hilton is a celebrity blogger and self-proclaimed Queen of All Media. Roseanne Barr is a has-been comedian from the 80s whose claim to fame is putting white trash on national TV and getting bleeding rich from it. Perez said some things that Roseanne didn’t like, so she threatened to kill him. In Rosanne’s defense, this is perfectly acceptable behavior in most trailer parks. Just watch My Name is Earl or King of the Hill if you don’t believe me.

When Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell decided they hated each other, this was two has-beens from the 80s that have all the money they will ever need, but will never have all the attention that they will ever need.

I have been blogging for a while now and I have seen Perez Hilton mentioned here and there on the web, just as I saw TMZ mentioned here and there. I gave neither one much attention, which might help explain my total and complete failure to predict winning stocks, horse races, or poker hands. Bloggers make the news from time to time, like when a blog has a breaking news story before anyone else does and gets credit as a source.

But really, I had never been to Perez Hilton’s blog and considered him just one more in the vast legions of bloggers that are now happily blogging away.

Perez Hilton’s real name is Mario Lavandeira and he is apparently from Cuban, as he hates good old Fidel Castro so much that he recently wrote a post on how people will be dancing in the streets of Miami once he is dead: which Perez suggested he is. Castro is not dead, at least not that we know of.

This story was in The Wall Street Journal.

Perez Hilton started showing up on Google Trends about two years ago and most of the stories have to do with various and sundry people suing him. He is also on a reality show, Celebrity Rap Superstar, which is as good a place as any for the over-the-top, green-haired, slightly-overweight and totally-outspoken blogger to be.

Ok. I had never seen a picture of Perez Hilton until the Roseanne Barr death threat. Now I have seen him on talk shows, news shows, and reality shows. As a blogger my goals, such as they are, have been to attract a few readers and maybe make some pocket change off a few ads. Perez Hilton always had his eye on the prize: full-blown Celebrity for himself and his blog.

TMZ was also launched in 2005 and has had similar meteoric success to Perez Hilton. Like Perez, TMZ makes the news as well as reporting it, recently having one it’s cameramen roughed up. This was a perfect chance for Harvey Levin to hit the nightly news and gossip shows and pimp TMZ.

Of course, the fact that Celebrities have been having meltdowns like they are going out of style the past two years has not hurt them any.

So how do I get Roseanne Barr, or Rosie O’Donnell, or Donald Trump to hate me?

1) Write about them often enough for them to hear about it and read what I have written. Which means thinking about them often enough to write about them.

2) The posts would have to be pretty mean and nasty to make them mad. After all, people have been saying mean and nasty things about them their whole careers, so it would need to be something really good. Like, they all have cooties.

3) I would have to have a lot of readers, otherwise no matter how mean and nasty I am, Celebrities will only jump to their defense if they think enough people are looking. Sigh, this plan to get traffic calls for traffic.

So this is a long term goal-a couple of hundred people a day reading my blog are not enough to make any Has-Been want to challenge me to a duel. Still, it might be a fun to try it once or twice.

Then I could get hundreds of comments on my posts telling me what an idiot I am. Get sued for God knows what. Find my way to morning talk shows and nighttime talk shows and radio talk shows. And finally end up on a Reality Show where I can look like a total and complete fool in front of everyone with a basic cable subscription.

On second thought. Roseanne, I loved your show in the eighties and miss it dearly. Rosie, how can I watch The View now that you are gone? Donald, best of luck with the new Apprentice show, I loved it every time you said: Your Fired!

There’s enough hate in the world, maybe I could just find a sex tape of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. . .