Cheating Spouse - Dealing with a Cheating Spouse

Chances are, you have thought about cheating on your spouse. Chances are, you have probably acted on it too. Infidelity or cheating on a spouse/partner is such a popular topic because we have all probably experienced it in one form or another in our lives.

The cheating spouse is so common because it is biologically the natural thing to do. Scientists have found that sexual monogamy is extremely rare in the animal kingdom. Fighting our cheating heart, is fighting our natural biological instinct. That is why it is so hard to do.

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The simple answer is because we are biologically wired to do so.

It is in our instinct to cheat on our spouse. Biologists have found that even animals that practice social monogamy (the animal equivalent of marriage), frequently do not practice sexual monogamy. Here are some interesting statistics:

• Social monogamy is relatively rare in the animal kingdom.
• Over 90% of avian species are socially monogamous.
• Only 3% of mammalian species are socially monogamous, but 15% of primate species are socially monogamous.
• Sexual monogamy is even more rare among animals.
• 30% or more baby birds are not sired by the resident male, even though 90% of birds are socially monogamous. Those cheating birds!

In fact, a recent study shows that males historically fathered children with several women. Sexual monogamy is a more recent add-on.

However, just because it is in our biological instinct to cheat on our spouse, does not mean that we have to cheat.

After all, we are self-aware, and also very aware of the possible consequences of cheating on our spouse. Having supposedly risen from the animal kingdom, we are no longer a slave to our instincts, right? Yet many of us still cheat on our spouse. Why?

• Lack of connection - The daily stresses of living so closely with someone can create a disconnect or even dislike for that person. This is especially true if there are frequent disagreements, or arguments that are left unresolved.
• Boredom - It is natural that once we have experienced something many times, it is no longer interesting or exciting to us. If there is little or no variation in our sexual interactions with our partners, it will eventually lead to mutual boredom. Keeping a monogamous sex life interesting can be a lot of work.
• Too much temptation - A person is less likely to cheat if there are fewer opportunities for them to cheat. Since most people spend much of their time away from home, at work, that is where most affairs start. Workplace conditions including the amount of travelling, attractiveness of co-workers, and number of co-workers of the opposite sex, all have a role to play in infidelity.

Most Americans think so. Here are some interesting statistics:

• 90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong.
• 61 percent of Americans thought adultery should not be a crime in the United states; 35 percent thought it should; 4 percent had no opinion.
• 86% of men and 81% of women admit they routinely flirt with the opposite sex.
• About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage. ~~ [Monogamy Myth, Therapist Peggy Vaugn]

Not surprisingly, most people think that cheating on a spouse is wrong, but most of them do it anyway.

Threats and surveillance

You can try and stop a spouse from cheating through the use of surveillance and the threat of divorce. The internet is full of services including private investigators, automated spy software, and high-tech sensors such as RFID tags, small cameras, and recording hardware that can help you track down and catch that lying, cheating, spouse.

If there is a great likelihood of getting caught in an affair, your spouse may think twice before cheating. Furthermore, a threat of divorce, taking the children, and exacting a steep financial cost, may further deter a cheating spouse.

However, this method of deterrence will hardly help to forge a healthy or enjoyable relationship with your spouse.

Have an open relationship

I personally enjoy social monogamy, but I do not think that sexual monogamy is a necessary part of it. Having a special someone to share your deepest thoughts, feelings, and even just everyday opinions with, makes life really worth living. However, it may not always be necessary to demand sexual exclusivity.

As long as your partner/friend/lover/spouse is fulfilling all of your needs, why is sexual infidelity such a big deal?

I personally would have more problems with a spouse who spends no time with me, regardless of whether his affair is with a person or with an activity such as gambling, online gaming, or even golf!

With an open relationship, both sides are allowed to have sexual relations with other partners as long as they are responsible about their sexual practices. Some couples are comfortable discussing their lovers with each other, while others are less so. There should also be an understanding of priorities, and time commitments. Your resident partner should always come first, and everyone should understand that.

The biggest challenge of having an open relationship is dealing with the jealousy that will invariably arise. Your spouse's current lover may be extremely attractive, or extremely successful, and you may feel threatened that he/she will displace your position. However, one should also realize that such opportunities will arise whether you have an open relationship or not.

There is always the possibility that your spouse may decide to replace you with someone else. Having an open relationship, I believe, significantly reduces that possibility. Even though your spouse has the option of exploring sexual interactions with others, he/she will prefer to share a socially monogamous relationship with you because there is greater shared history, shared interests, and a shared understanding of each other's sexual needs.

Adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy

Allow your spouse to cheat, but pretend not to know. Or cheat on your spouse, but do not tell him/her about it.

I know some people who adopt this policy and it usually works out. Nobody discovers the affairs, and everybody goes about their business. While this option may work for short periods of time, it can ultimately lead to great unhappiness if you are ever forced to face up to reality.

I personally think that it is difficult to maintain this option for the long term. There are always things that you must hide from your partner, and there are always things that you cannot ask because you are afraid of the answer. This only leads to uncomfortable conversations, emotional pretension, and an increasing weakness in the relationship, as you slowly drift away from each other.

In the end, what is left are a fake version of you and a fake version of your spouse. In the long term, this option is the most dangerous, and can destroy not only your relationship but also your friendship with your spouse.

Keep eyes on you

Finally, it is also possible to discourage your spouse from cheating by making things interesting and enjoyable for him/her at home. While having arguments is an unavoidable fact of life, make sure that you reduce the frequency of those arguments, and make sure that they are quickly resolved. Let little things go, because nitpicking is a quick way to drive your spouse into someone else's arms.

Make sure to show your appreciation for your spouse, not just verbally, but also physically, with frequent embraces, kisses, or even just holding hands. Physical affection can go a long way.

Keep your sex life interesting by getting sexy underwear, role-playing, and taking vacations where the kids stay with grandpa and grandma.

Have date-nights, where you and your spouse dress-up and enjoy a romantic evening alone every week. Do not be ashamed to discuss sex with your spouse. Through communication, you can enhance your sex life, and improve your overall relationship.

While this is no guarantee that your spouse won't cheat on you, it will certainly encourage him/her to spend time with you rather than with someone else.