I have worked at a shelter for Battered Women and have seen first-hand the effects of Domestic Violence. It has been interesting yet sad to see how much young children can be affected by how their parents or caregivers treat each other. There is no doubt that seeing or hearing violence can have serious detrimental effects on how a child develops.

In a child's early years as a toddler, they develop their basic "schemas" or ideas about how the world basically works and what is considered "normal." They see that when they let go of a small object, it falls to the ground and that when they flip a switch, light comes on. They learn that food goes in the kitchen and poop goes in the toilet, (hopefully).

They also learn that when dad has been drinking, mom becomes nervous and makes sure not to make him mad. They also learn that if they are bigger and stronger and meaner, they can get people to do what they want. They learn that if they are smaller and weaker, the world can be very dangerous.

But these don't have to be what they learn. Although the laws of gravity will remain the same regardless of the home they live in, they can also learn compassion, fairness, decency, patience and love. What they learn in their first years of life can affect how they perceive all other things to come.

Emotional trauma is not just a group of dysfunctional thoughts, it can actually change the physiology of the brain. Studies of traumatized children have shown that the brain does not develop as fully as the brains of children raised in safer environments.

Children who have witnessed violence at a younger age seem to have a nervous system that is specialized for surviving in a dangerous world. They are easily distracted and hyper vigilant, almost as though they must constantly be on the lookout for possible threats. They also seem to be keenly aware of differences in power and will behave in ways to defend what power that they themselves have acquired. For example, older siblings will dominate younger ones and fiercely retaliate when they perceive that the younger sibling may be encroaching upon their territory. They will be more likely to threaten or hit the younger sibling that has touched their toy without asking.

Children who have been through traumatic experiences may have a lot of anxiety but do not show it the way we would expect. They may seem to be hyper-active and fidgety and easily distracted. They may have a short temper and have tantrums at unexpected times because they feel overwhelmed by anxiety but cannot express that they are afraid of things that most other kids are not afraid of.

They may be sad because of their basic belief that the world is a dangerous place where disaster can strike at any time. These kids do not know how to tell others that their view of life is much darker than that of their peers. Something that may be a mild disapointment to the average child may be devastating to a child that experiences sadness and fear on a daily basis.

A good first step in helping a child who may have been traumatized is to help them identify their feelings. Even though a child may know how to say the words "sad, angry, scared or nervous" they may not have had practice actually using these words to explain how they feel when they feel that way. Even older kids and many adults have the hardest time saying that they are scared or frustrated when they are in the middle of the experience that is contributing to these feelings. How can we expect a five year old to do better?

Children need to be able to identify their feelings and tell others when they feel that way. Practice makes perfect and a good role model can show a child by identifying their own feelings appropriately when they arise. Show your child that you feel comfortable saying when you are "upset that your favorite team didn't win" or that you "feel nervous when other cars get to close on the highway" or feel "hurt when a friend doesn't spend as much time with you as they used to." Showing that you are not afraid to show your feelings shows a child how to express theirs.