Divorce Stages of Grief - How They Differ Between Adults and Children

The five stages of grief are very well known: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People do not just grieve the death of a loved one. They grieve almost all changes in their lives; surprisingly, even the positive changes. For instance, when a young adult graduates from college, they may grieve the loss of freedom they had as a student, the extreme change in lifestyle, and the lack of a readily available supportive social network found while in school.

Divorce is a time of grief for all immediate and extended family members. Children handle their grief very differently than do adults, however, and it is imperative that divorcing parents understand that their children are not experiencing the same realities that their parents are.

DENIAL: For parents, this stage of grief may be long past by the time of separation or divorce. If the divorce is not a total surprise to them, they may have well accepted the finality of it. Children, however, handle denial very differently. Even children of different age groups deny the divorce in different ways. An older child, late middle school and high school age, might deny the divorce totally. Thoughts or responses such as, "Not in my family" might be prevalent. This age child has usually developed a support system outside of their parents, namely their peers and the media, and they are very familiar with the concept of divorce and are aware of its prevalence. They are likely to move through the denial phase rather quickly with the appropriate support.

Younger children, however, pre-school/kindergarten through early middle school years have a more difficult time working through the denial stage because they tend to get caught up in a fantasy belief that the divorce is somehow their fault. Children of these ages are extremely creative, have extremely active imaginations, and are totally dependent on their parents being "perfect." In turn, they tend to search and find any number of reasons why they themselves are responsible for the divorce and ways in which they can fix it.

Parents should pay careful attention if their otherwise C student suddenly begins making all A’s; or if their messy child suddenly begins taking care of the entire household; or if their video-addicted young one suddenly becomes hyper-aware of all goings-on within the family and makes every effort to make every moment a perfect one.

These children need to be told firmly and repeatedly that the divorce is not their fault and that they can do nothing to help their parents. Firm boundaries must be set by the parents with the children, making it clear that adult issues are not their concern. Their concerns need to be flirting with the girl that sits next to them in class, or whether they will make the soccer team. If they are worried about adult issues, they are being denied their childhood, and that is an unfair side-effect of divorcing parents who are more self-focused than child-focused. The focus must be shifted back to the child so that the child will suffer the least amount of trauma possible from the entire divorce procedure.

ANGER: Even for the parent who initiated the divorce, many angry feelings are very likely to arise between the beginning and the end of the divorce proceedings, Disagreements with the other parent regarding finances, betrayal, unmet expectations, the legal system - all of these things can cause parental anger during divorce. Adults can usually identify the anger-inducing elements, problem-solve, vent to their friends, find solace in other areas of their lives, and eventually, hopefully, work through the anger. Children, however, are angry for different reasons, do not have the same coping skills as their parents, and need assistance and support from their parents to deal with this very strong emotion.

All ages of children are going to be angry about divorce, even adult children (except sometimes in a highly conflict situation, in which case the children are more likely to be relieved, especially if the conflict diminishes upon the parents’ separation. When children express anger, parents need to listen, ask questions, and never, never shut their children down with phrases such as, "You shouldn’t feel that way." All feelings should be validated. A plethora of books exist on the subject of talking appropriately with children regarding divorce and the children’s feelings about divorce. When parents find themselves at a loss, they must consider doing some research and/or seeking the assistance of a professional such as a family therapist.

Remember, everyone has a right to their feelings, even negative feelings, and even, or especially, children. They did not ask for the divorce, and yet they are the ones who will suffer the most consequences from it. When is the last time parents were asked to live in two different homes following a divorce? Adults would find it very difficult to adapt to a child’s post-divorce living arrangement. Adults would probably not adapt as well and would probably be much angrier than the children. Accept their anger. Try not to take it personally. Support the children through their anger with understanding words, problem-solving, open age-appropriate and subject- appropriate discussions, and seek assistance from other sources when necessary.

BARGAINING: When adults bargain, they tend to bargain with their higher power: For instance, if someone close was diagnosed with lung cancer, an adult might pray, "Dear God, just let them live and I promise I will never smoke another cigarette." Children, on the other hand, tend to bargain with their parents. Consider: Does this mean that, for children, their parents are representative of their higher power? If so, parents have a heavy load to bear.

Bargaining symptoms may surface much like those discussed in the denial phase above. The symptoms may also get much worse as well. A child might promise to be a better student, to be more well-behaved, to be neater, might promise anything within their control if only the parents will reunite. This harkens back to the idea that the child can get caught up in the fantasy of cause and effect: "If I caused it, I need to fix it." Again, talking with the child when the signs present themselves is the most effective approach.

Children feel this responsibility for the divorce for very good reason. Imagine the very common example of a child who is well aware that their parents got married when mom was pregnant with him or her. When the parents divorce, it would not be uncommon for this child to think, "If I didn’t exist they would not be going through this because they would have never gotten married." Sad. Parents may unknowingly spoonfeed children a multitude of reasons why the divorce is the fault of the child. During and after the divorce the children are usually the reason for much of the parental conflict, and the children are usually very aware of this dynamic. Scheduling, child support, why were you late, why didn’t you come to the game, is that what you think he/she should eat, how late did you late them stay up . . . and on and on and on. The children hear this and, very justifiably, return to the "if not for me" attitude, once again feeling responsible for their parents’ arguments.

Children should never hear this type of discussion between parents; and, if they do, the parent should immediately backtrack, as a team, apologize, and explain that when adults get angry, many times they say things they do not mean, and they certainly did not mean anything negative they said about the child’s other parent. While it may be painful medicine to swallow, the pain belongs with the parents, not with the children.

DEPRESSION: When divorcing/divorced adults experience depression, they can identify it and cope with it. They have friends to turn to, family members for support, therapists they can visit. Depression in children associated with their parents’ divorce might very well be their first experience with the emotion and, not only are they unable to identify or label it, they have no knowledge about how to deal with it.

Every child’s depression can manifest itself differently, and parents need to child-focused enough with each individual child to be able to identify depression in that child. Depression will be obvious is some children and not so obvious in others. The obvious signs include but are not limited to behaviors or symptoms such as changes in eating or sleeping habits, bad grades, lethargy, fatigue, dropping out of social or extra-curricular activities, irritability, tendency toward illness and/or clumsiness (the last two usually brought on by stress-induced exhaustion). Depression in older children can get out of control very quickly and should be dealt with without hesitation. Older children tend to turn depression into a feeling of being out of control and may, in turn, create ways in which they can have some control, ie: eating disorders, drinking/drugs for the numbing effect, avoidance of all things relationship-oriented, and, in the extreme, association with other depressed children who may form family-like support groups. No child needs to be getting all their support and information through such a troubling time from only their support system. Troubled children helping troubled children is an obvious recipe for disaster.

Although certainly worrisome and cause for attention and support, parents should not necessarily always view their child’s depression as completely negative. Anytime someone is on the verge of accepting a change, naturally a depression is likely to occur as they finally grieve the loss of how it was. While parents pay attention to and assist their children with their depressive stage, they might also keep an eye toward the future for the acceptance that might certainly be close behind.

ACCEPTANCE: For divorcing parents, acceptance probably means that two new and separate households exist, the finances have finally been settled, their attorney bills have been paid, they might lose a little weight and begin dating again. While their parents’ new lives certainly are a factor for the children to deal with, it is not necessarily their version of acceptance. They have to accept that they have two homes, that they must remember where they are going and when; they must begin to understand and accept/remember/assimilate two different approaches to parenting and subsequent consequences for behavior; they probably will have to begin sharing both their parents with new significant others, and eventually learn to blend themselves into the new family of their parents’ choosing.

Imperative during this and all times, parents should minimize all of their personal conflict, and never allow their children to witness it when it does occur. They should be discussing in a timely manner any differences in parenting in the two homes so as to make the transition as smooth as possible for the children. They should be extremely cognizant that their dating is not likely to please their child. To the child, the people their parents choose to date and/or eventually marry represent the true finality of any hope the child might still have about their parents’ reuniting. For this reason alone, the child may very well resent the presence of the new significant other.

New significant others should be introduced very carefully to the children, and only after very specific ground rules have been explained about what that significant other may or may not do and/or say with the children. For instance, a new significant other left alone with the child should know what the parents’ expectations are in their absence, ie: homework, dishes, clean their room, or free-time. Children who have not reached the acceptance stage yet, for instance, who are still stuck in anger, will highly resent someone acting as though they are their mother or their father.

IN GENERAL: Children are resilient and they surprising survive all this trauma much better than the adults. There is a strong suspicion, however, that they do it to please the adults in their lives whom they seriously fear could quit loving them just as easily as they quit loving the other parent. Finally, these stages do not necessarily progress in a linear fashion. Adults and children alike may find themselves going from anger to bargaining to depression, back to anger, then to feeling some sort of acceptance, and then suddenly right back in the throes of anger again. That is to be expected. More importantly, however, parents must understand that children take most of their cues from their parents. Parents stuck in the denial or anger phase cannot assist their children in accepting the finality and reality of the divorce. While depression and anger are certainly understandable, parents must not allow themselves to begin identifying themselves with their wounds and the associated negative feelings. It is the equivalent of a pig wallowing in mud. And when the mother pig and the father pig are both wallowing in the mud, it is very difficult, if not impossible, for the children to pick themselves up out of the mud, shake themselves off, and move on. At least one parent needs to be a positive, forward-moving, future-oriented role model if children are to move forward as well.