Adopting a Chinese Baby

Deciding to adopt a child from China is a huge undertaking. Questions abound - What will she look like? Will the rest of my family accept her? How much will it cost? Will I feel differently about her than I do about my other children? How will others react to a Chinese child in a foreign family? How will I teach her about her heritage?

In 2005, my wife and I adopted a baby girl from China, and it was a terrific experience, but we started by asking ourselves all of these questions. We already had two boys, aged 9 and 10 at the time, and we didn't want to damage our already idyllic situation. We really wanted a girl but felt we were getting too old to go to repeat the tough regimen of pregnancy and childbirth. Not to mention that we'd already surgically made sure that wouldn't happen again!

One of our concerns was that an adopted child wouldn't look like us. What would people say when we went to the market? What would our grandkids look like? Our own children answered this for us - they look alike as night and day, so we thought - what does it matter if we have another that looks different, yet? If our child looks Asian, will it matter to us that our grandchildren will look that way? We decided - no way! A kid is a kid! Even for biological children, you can't control what they look like, so what does it matter if those looks came from our gene pool or someone else's!

Since our daughter has come home, she has generated a lot of special attention for us when we go out, partially due to her ethnicity, and partially due to her extremely outgoing personality. People love to engage her and ask questions about her origins. We realize this will always now be a part of our (and her) life, and take it as an opportunity to meet other people. Our boys have also had to deal with this since their new sister is in the limelight so much.

We've found it's important to give extra attention to the other siblings when the adopted child comes home so they don't feel left out. This attention has to be ongoing. Our Chinese daughter will always be different, and will always generate more attention and questions than our biological boys. Extra attention towards the boys has helped them to feel more comfortable and accepting with this transition into having a new family member. They have also taken some ownership in taking care of their new sister and playing with her. Although many times she causes them lots of "little sister" pain - breaking their toys and creating so much noise!

Now that we've had her home for 2 years, we can without question say that we feel no differently about her than we do our biological children. Although my wife didn't physically give birth to her, we spent the same year before receiving her in much the same way. We thought about what she would look like, what her personality might be, if we would be prepared enough for her. However, rather than the physical changes of pregnancy, we endured the endless paper-chase and forms that needed filling out.

The cost of the adoption was also somewhat large - about $20,000 US including travel expenses, however some of that can be offset by tax credits. Compared to fertility treatments, domestic adoption, or regular childbirth cost it's in the same ballpark, but still worth mentioning. We went through an agency called Chinese Children's Adoption International (CCAI) http://www.chinesechildren.org/ who were so helpful in filling out the paperwork, travel arrangements, and guiding us during our in-country travel. We'd definitely give them an "A" for all of their help, advice and support!

There are support groups around the country for people that have adopted children from China that offer language and culture courses, and the ability to mingle with other children from the same background. When our daughter gets older we may take advantage of these to help her learn more about her heritage. Currently, we're on a more drastic plan. We moved to China last July to teach English for a year and our children are all in Chinese schools. At the time of this writing we've been here for 6 months, and we all now have a much better feel for Chinese language and culture (the blog of those adventures - http://lewisesinchina.blogspot.com/ ).

We can say that adopting our daughter has been a truly life changing experience. Though her personality makes her quite a handful, her joy and enthusiasm for life have infected all of us, and she's truly an integral part of our family.