Through the years, one thing I have particularly enjoyed was coaching youth league sports. I have 3 kids (2 boys and a girl) who have played football, baseball, basketball, soccer or participated in dance their entire lives. Coaching youth sports can be a frustrating, time-consuming and thankless task. It can also be one of the most fulfilling things you will ever do.

Most of my coaching experience revolved around baseball and basketball. Soccer did not take with my kids, thank goodness, as I don’t know enough about it to coach it. Coaching youth league is one thing, coaching your own kids in youth league is another thing entirely. Coaching you own kids comes with its own set of problems.

I got into coaching after experiencing much frustration with many of the coaches my kids had. Now, I don’t want to paint them all with the same broad brush. Some were fine coaches that did a good job teaching and motivating the kids. Some were in over their heads but were the only ones to volunteer when the call came. Some were just plain asses who had no business coaching young kids. So, after much frustration and prodding from my wife, I finally stepped up to the plate and became a coach. What I would like to share with you are a few things I learned about coaching that may help you be a better coach and help the kids have a great time and even get better at the same time.

It’s not about you, it’s about the kids.

This point seems rather obvious but maybe not. In my experience, I’ve seen plenty of coaches who acted like they were the most important part of the team. They let the kids know without reservation how disappointed they were when the team did not play up to their expectations. They ripped into kids when they botched a play. Some held practices at the oddest times to fit around their busy schedule. Granted, coaching is a volunteer thing but when 8-year olds are out until 10 PM for practice, maybe the coach shouldn’t have volunteered in the first place. I’ve had coaches tell me to my face that since they are out there coaching, their kid gets to start!

Before you decide to coach youth do the kids a favor. Examine your motives for coaching. If you plan to coach to draw attention to yourself or your child, please think again. You need to be their for all the kids not just your own.

It’s not about the parents, it’s about the kids.

If you have ever coached youth league, you know it can be a thankless task. And the parents are often the worst part. As a coach, you must resign yourself to the fact that you won’t be able to please all the parents all the time. If the team wins, you’ll have some parents complaining that you didn’t put in the bench players soon enough. If the team loses, you’ll have other parents complaining that they lost because you didn’t play the starters enough.

I’ve had parents pander to me, hoping to ingratiate themselves to me in hopes that I would show favor to their kid. I’ve seen parents sponsor teams generously and expect their child to receive special treatment as a result.

I’ve seen fights break out between parents in the stands. I’ve had parents come down out of the stands and yell at me, even physically threaten me. I’ve seen parents banned from the field and the court because of their inability to control themselves. This kind of behavior is especially embarrassing and damaging to the child. I’ve had more than one child not return the next season because they were so embarrassed of their parent’s behavior.

As a coach, you must address this kind of behavior privately with the parent. Let them know that they are welcome at practice and games as long as they can control themselves. If they can’t, then talk to league officials about having them banned from practice and games. Unfortunately, once it goes this far the one that suffers the most is the child.

Many parents live vicariously through their kid’s athletic achievements. Either they want their child to experience successes they never had or they want them to reproduce their successes. Either way, undue and unfair pressure is brought upon the child. If you see this going on, you need to tactfully address it with the parent. Let them know the kind of pressure they are putting their child under. Most parents don’t even realize what they are doing and will respond positively and thankfully.

It’s not about your kid, it’s about the team.

As I said earlier, coaching your own child can have its own set of problems. It can also be a great time of growth and bonding for both of you.

If your kid (or kids) is on the team, be prepared for complaints from parents and even other players. No matter how hard you try you may be accused of showing favoritism toward them. However, before you dismiss these accusations out of hand take a good hard look at yourself. Favoritism can take very subtle forms that others pick up on. Do you always pick your child to help with demonstrations? Do you have him or her clear up equipment while the rest of the team runs laps? Does your child always get to play the best positions? Do you always pick your child first? These are all subtle ways you can show favoritism without being aware of it.

However, be careful not to penalize your child in an effort to be seen as not showing favoritism. Don’t deliberately limit his playing time or play him in less desirable positions. Don’t work him any harder or less than the rest of the team. Believe me, he wants to be treated just like the rest of the team. Special treatment, either way, will make him feel like he belong.

Many times the coaches child is an advanced player.  The child has been coached since they were old enough to hold a ball and have benefited from the talent and experience of their dad (or mom).  This can be a great thing or a terrible thing.  Coaching parents often put intentional or unintentional pressure on the kids to be the star player and assume the role of team leader.  Be careful about putting this pressure on your child.  It may not be welcome. 

Also, many parents especially coaching parents think their child is better than they really are.  Be honest with yourself and your child.  Don't think of his skills more highly than is warranted.  This can also be misleading to your child and result in an inflated ego that makes him difficult to be around and fosters a sense of entitlement.

It’s not about winning, it’s about the kids.

Many parents will disagree with me on this point. They are usually the ones that have some complaint after the games. Sure, the goal of sports is to win but this isn’t professional sports here. The goal of youth league sports is to build character, develop athletic ability and teamwork among the participants. To help young people grow into strong, confident adults. There is a place for winning at all costs higher levels but it is not here in youth league. Win if you can but not at the expense of the kids.

Keeping it about the kids isn’t so easy when the game is on the line. Are you willing to keep the second string in when the opposition is whittling your lead away? Can you can call the number of someone besides the star when the clock is ticking down? Are you willing to take a loss in order to give those other kids a chance? Believe me, it is not easy. If you lose, you may have to face angry parents and players who will say the team lost because you weren’t playing the stars. You know what, they may be right. You may have won had you left the best players in.

Just remember that those kids will remember it all. If you gave them a chance, and they came through they will remember it with pride forever. If you gave them a chance, and they failed they will get up, dust themselves off and try again. If you never give them the chance, they will resent it, you and maybe the game forever. In order to develop athletically, kids need to practice and play. If a coach is looking to win first, then those less gifted will play less and develop less. Riding the pine is no fun. If it happens too frequently, some kids will simply quit.

Win or lose, stay positive. Don’t come down on the kids. Discuss where they fell short, what you will do to work on it and highlight the things they did right. Don’t single out kids for criticism or excessive praise. Try to find something to commend in each kid.

In Closing

Ultimately, the goal of youth sports is not to make the participants into professional athletes. It is to help them develop into mature contributing members of society who can handle success and failure with equal aplomb. The reality is some kids just aren’t as gifted athletically as others. Their time on your team may be the sum total of their athletic life experience. It is your job to make that experience as as positive and uplifting experience for them as possible.

Most likely you will experience some successes with the teams your coach. You will also experience dismal seasons. I have had everything from 1-9 seasons to undefeated seasons. Believe it or not both were experiences that I considered great successes. During our 1-9 season, our only victory was against a previously undefeated team. The team played together that day like they never had before and never did again. But you would have thought they won the NBA championship that day. Those kids were talking about that game for weeks.

You will also have successes with individual players that go on to play sports at higher levels in high school, college, maybe even the pros. And you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you played a part, however small, in making that happen.

But you will also have successes like one young boy named Julian I coached in basketball. This was his first time playing any youth sport. He was slow, overweight and very shy. When he ran up the court you literally couldn’t tell if he was walking or running. I don’t believe he scored a point all season. When you spoke to him he was so shy he would barely respond. But I took the time to work with him and gave him the little special attention that he needed. I encouraged the rest of them team to encourage him whenever he touched the ball. I couldn’t coach the next year but when I saw him playing again he had lost weight, was running the floor with the rest of the kids and having a blast. He still wasn’t a stand out player but he had new confidence and a love for the game.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn here. Stories like this are repeated all over. I am just trying to relate the satisfaction that can be had when you give just a little and see it have such an impact in a young person’s life. Just when you think you haven’t really contributed anything in this world a young man may approach you that you don’t even recognize. Then he thanks you for coaching him 10 years earlier and tells you just how much it meant to him, just how much it changed his life.

Coaches, you can play a powerful role in the lives of the kids you coach. If you make it all about them, pushing aside all the junk discussed earlier, they will have a positive experience they will remember their whole lives. Remember, coach, it is all about the kids!