Isn’t that the big question? “Why does the jerk get all the girls in college?” Why does the guy who treats girls like a lower life form seem to have more girlfriends then the “nice guy?” My experience definitely shows this old adage to be true.

Through high school I nearly embodied the definition of a “nice guy.” I was a true people pleaser who always put others needs ahead of my own. This held even more firmly for other girls needs. If a girl I was dating at the time asked for something, no regard for my own activities, I was there for her. If a girl I knew had guy trouble, I was her number one guy to talk to. I honestly had no restraint in giving into every desire of the girls in my life, just in seeking their approval. And with all of this attention I was giving out, I rarely received any in return.

By the time I went off to college I started to realize my “nice guy” ways were not going to get me a girlfriend. So I decided to change. I went out with the pure intention of breaking my old habits and boosting my self-confidence.

So I started at the source:

The Nice Guy

I had to find out what my problem was at the core, I had to figure out why I felt the need to impress and seek the approval of everyone that came into my life. And what I found made so much sense but at the same time seemed so wrong. I read a book by the well known Rolling Stone writer Neil Strauss, called The Game. His story started off almost identical to my own so once I started reading it I couldn’t put it down. He was labeled a “nice guy” through high school and college and never had the luck with women that he desired. The way he described a “nice guy” was someone who was selfish and needy. In other words; someone who seeks approval from others in order to fulfill their own self-esteem requirements; because their own self-image is so out of whack.

But selfish!? I didn’t see how that was possible at first. All I did was put other people before me, I NEVER asked anyone for anything! Then with some thinking and a lot of self-realization I found the truth. Since I constantly needed the approval of others, I was actually asking everyone I knew for approval every time I was in public. I was constantly asking for approval, and was therefore always a selfish guy.

That is the pitfall of the “nice guy.”

The Fix

I figured out where my problem was originating from with the help of Neil Strauss, now I had to figure out the next step. The Game provided some sound advice for how to rid myself of neediness. But I found a more universal solution in a book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrnes. She created a compilation of the history of an idea called The Law of Attraction. The idea is that if you truly want something, and create that desire as an emotion; then whatever it is, no matter how improbable, will become yours. She used extraordinary physical feats by ordinary people as her evidence. Accomplishments like getting over cancer by “laughing it out,” by watching comedies on T.V. I used this same solution for my own problem, I imagined myself as a confident, well dressed, happy guy.

And it worked!

My solution really was as simple as the desire to be more confident and less needy. I turned that desire into a constant thought and emotion. Those thoughts and emotions turned into actions. I read more on how to defeat my needy ways. I talked to everyone I know about the subject, especially girls. Little by little I started to understand why I wanted to seek approval from everyone and why I was not having success with girls.

One of my biggest accomplishments/obstacles was when I decided to strip out the needy people in my life. As The Law of Attraction goes “you bring into your life that which you think about.” Before my realization all I thought about was seeking approval and giving everything I had to people without expecting reciprocation. Therefore many of my friends either had the same need for approval I did, or expected to be able to use me whenever they pleased. Leaving many of these people behind was somewhat hard, but I knew I had to strip out all neediness from my life in order to achieve my goal.

When it came to girls it was like a new beginning for me. I had to relearn what everyone learned in high school, while I was in college. I had to experiment talking to different girls figuring out their reactions to the things I said. I was talking to a new girl everyday for about a month when I truly realized why the guy who treats girls like a lower life form in college always have a new girlfriend. This was my logic:

College girls are attracted to confidence.

Therefore the confident guy will attract more girls.

As a confident college guy I know I just want to have fun.

Therefore college girls just want to have fun.

It did seem a bit crazy to try and reduce human interaction to a formula, but it was the easiest way I found to see my goal of having more confidence. I could actually see why and how I was going to create confidence in myself and therefore defeat my neediness once and for all.

The Fun

Sticking to my logic that if I just simply worked for my own enjoyment and had as much fun as possible, nearly everything changed for me! I completely stopped worrying about other peoples opinions of me. I stopped seeking approval from people and starting giving approval. I became happier because my self-esteem was no longer dependent upon others opinion of me. I started to really have fun hanging out with other people as opposed to always seeking their approval and worrying about their opinion of me. And as a result of my increased confidence and therefore my overall happiness, I started to really connect with a lot of girls!

During this process I came across an e-book called Conquer Your Campus by Mark Redman. This just verified my previous realizations about college girls. His entire argument was that in order to have success in college with relationships, guys need to be the life of the party and have more confidence then the next guy. This meant really asserting your wants to girls. This book really helped engrain the idea that being that confident guy just seeking to have a great time, is the key to success with college girls.