Comforting Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One
87At one time or another everyone will be in the position of needing to comfort a friend who has lost a loved one. During times like these it can be very difficult to know what to do and what to say. If you have never lost someone close to you it may be hard to determine what would provide comfort.
After losing my daughter after an auto accident there were some things that comforted me and others that actually hurt although they were well meaning. I do feel that after going through that experience I can better minister to others who are going through something similar. In this article I will share some of the things that I learned in the hope that you will be able to use some of the suggestions, not if but when, you are called on to offer comfort to a friend.
I am not a trained counselor or psychologist and have not studied the various information on death and dying such as the stages of grief. I can only speak from personal experience and share my views after going through the most devastating time of my life.
Don't Say "I Understand"
Unless you have gone through the exact type of loss don't try and tell the hurting friend that you understand. You don't and you can't. It is more comforting to hear "I can't even imagine" than "I understand what you're going through". It comes down to just being very honest about what you can and can't understand.
Don't Ask "How Are You Doing"
Don't ask your friend how they are doing; you can answer that yourself - they are not doing well. This is a common thing to do and the first thing that may come to mind and while you do care and are just trying to help, this phrase does not help and puts the hurting friend in a position of saying "fine" even though they are not or blowing up and saying something like "Of course I'm not fine" or "How do you think I'm Doing". When I was going through my loss another father who had lost two daughters of his own told me to tell my friends instead of asking me how I'm doing to ask "Are You Hanging In There". That is something I could answer truthfully and by admitting that I was hanging in there it gave me a bit of strength. I have used this phrase many times since then when talking to friends who were going through a loss or divorce or illness and it always brought a smile or a knowing look.
Don't Force Them To Talk
There are times when a grieving person needs to talk and there are times when they just need to cry. Don't force them to talk about how they are feeling or tell them they need to "get it out". There may come a time later that they may need to talk to a professionial if they are keeping too many feelings bottled up, but right after the loss is not that time. They may need you to be with them even if they are quiet.
Do Show Your Feelings
It's ok to cry with them. The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn. If you are hurting for them it's ok to cry with them. It meant a great deal to me to see tears in the eyes of my friends - I knew they didn't understand what I was going through but their tears meant that they loved me and hurt because I hurt. The tears of a friend also gave me a freedom to cry and not apologize or try to control my emotions when I really just needed to cry.
Do Talk About Their Loved One
I can only speak about the loss of a child but right after the loss as well as now, it makes me so happy to hear one of my friends talk about my daughter and especially to say her name. It is normal for you to feel like you will upset the hurting friend by not bringing up the loved one or trying to make them think about something else, but the truth is that it is actually comforting to hear someone speak about the loved one. Right after my loss and even more so today, it gives me such joy to hear someone talk about my daughter and especially to say her name. I'm not sure why hearing her name is so comforting but I have talked to several other parents who have also lost a child and they have reported the same thing. It may be that after losing a child, a parent has a fear of the child being forgotten.
Don't Tell Them They Will Be OK or Time Will Heal All Wounds
In short don't use any of the typical clichets that are typically used such as telling them they will be ok, that time will heal all wounds, that it was just meant to be or similar such remarks. The exception to this is if it comes from someone who has truly been through the same kind of loss. For example, one mother who had lost both her son and daughter in an auto accident years earlier, came to my house the day after I got home from the hospital and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You WILL be ok." I looked at her and saw in her eyes that she had experienced the same devastating fear and pain that I was feeling and knew I could trust her. I held on to those four words for a very long time.
I think the hardest thing for me to hear was that time would heal all wounds or that I would get better with time. Thinking about the future without my daughter brought fear and dread. What really helped was just to have my friends acknowledge that I was in pain and that they were there for me.
My Beautiful Daughter Kristi Marie
Do Continue to Be There for Them After Everyone Else Has Gone Back to Their Normal Life
The weeks following the accident were filled with cards, visits, phone calls but as the weeks turned into months people just normally go back to their daily life while the hurting person is still hurting and in need of those same things - cards, visits and phone calls. The first few weeks I was was in shock and although I was hurting I hadn't completely grasped the loss or the loneliness. As the brevity of the event sets in I needed those things more than ever and I am thankful for the friends who have continued to minister to me even to this day.
I have mentioned several "don'ts" in this article and I hate to use such a negative connotation but more than anything else I want to be honest with you so you can really minister to your hurting friend. If on the other hand you are reading this article because like me, you are going through the loss of a loved one or even a child, please know that you are not alone. Please email me if you have lost a child - the thing that helped me the most was being able to ask questions and to talk to other parents who knew the emotions that I was experiencing.
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KCC - thanks so much - I may take you up on it sometime. Every parent I have talked to who has lost a child seems to have a bond with each other that no one else can understand. I am also sorry for your loss - I don't know about you but the upcoming holiday season always brings bittersweet memeories and seems to be harder than the rest of the year.
For me, it's the fall. Everything about the fall has always been "Kevin". Kevin was born in the fall, he died in the fall, his most shining moments, in the art contests he won at the local fair, were in the fall. My birthday and his sister's birthday are all in the fall. I'm not going to say that Christmases weren't hard, but they were easier than the months leading up to them.
That is understandable. Kristi's birthday was in December and then she passed away in February, so in October I start dreading December and then it doesn't really stop until after February 24.
I can not relate to the loss of a child, though I'm sure that has to be the most gut-wrenching event one could ever go through in life. I do know ;however, what it's like to experience catastrophic life events and believe that we can find healing through our own pain when we share just as you have here. I like this quote from you: "I am not a trained counselor or psychologist and have not studied the various information on death and dying such as the stages of grief. I can only speak from personal experience and share my views after going through the most devastating time of my life."....Whether you realize it or not, you have provided counsel just by this post. May God bless and keep you and may His Spirit continue to provide comfort for you.
Anglnflt - Thank you for your comment. I enjoy your hubs. Before I saw your comment I sent you an email :)
My mother died a year ago. I am 45 and she was my best friend and my only confident. Since her death, I feel I have been kicked out of the nest with broken wings.
The consequences of her death was brutal and is still unbearable to this day. Eventhough I have many siblings and a huge family of 68 cousins, I feel like an orphan today. To be an orphan at 45 is very difficult to digest.
Very few understand me, only those who have been faced with death of very close one to them understand me. Like you, your daughter, my mother and I, the seperation is difficult to face. I come from a very religious family and the only one who has remained close to me, since her death, is my brother who is a Catholic Priest.
The challenge with facing the death of a loved one is that we have no choice. I have been writing about it, ever since her death. Who is my mother, without a human body ? Can she still think without a brain ? Has she become an angel that can only watch me, mind to mind, with no words ?
I dream about my mother a lot. I want to understand why death is so brutal to us left behind. I feel that death is so out of control, not one of us can seem to survive it.
After my mother's death, my life collapsed to the ground. I could not see life without her, I could no longer call her, I could no longer hear her voice of wisdoms. I lost my drive for life and as a result, I got fired from my job and my boyfriend broke up with me.
I am a scholar and a researcher yet when it came down to me observing my life, I discovered absolute despair. How could I be without the pillar of my life, my mother.
Today, a little over a year since her death, I am slowly but surely getting back on my feet. I still cry her deeply and I still mourn her lost. I am grateful that she has given birth to my body so I got to know her.
Since her death, I have questioned life before birth and life after death. I have come to understand that before birth we belonged to an infinite river of god isness and after death, we join that river again. My new belief is that hell only exist when we are alive and heaven exist in all three realms. Heaven exist before birth, during life and after death.
We come here as humans to understand life and surpass and rise above the uncomfortable feeling of hell. I discovered that I had to walk in the hallways of hell in order to find the door to heaven. My mother, from the other side, is the one who led me to the golden key.
My mother only exist in the echos of my memory bank and I cherish those memories for as long as I wish.
When I was told to get over my mother's death is when I became a hermit. No one has a right to tell me how long I need to mourn the woman who gave me life.
Meschill, I just joined Hubpages and I am lost with all the details I am supposed to do in order to write a blog. I am posting this comment to you, this long comment because I do not know how or where to write a blog in here. I just figured out how to post a picture and that took me a long time. Meschill, if you have the time, can you help me with my posting my first blog. My email is smartpetproducts@yahoo.com .
Thank you for reading my words, I needed to let some steam out of my head.
Caroline Couture Taylor
Very wise advice my friend!! Your daughter is beautiful. Your love for her is beautiful. Your desire to share is comforting to any who have lost. Thank you.
I read your article and it brought back memories for me. I know how people have good intentions, but somehow they lose their way on expressing them. I too have suffered the loss of a child, a newborn. She died two days after Christmas. My family never did talk to me at all about her, it was like she never existed at all. But I realized one day that I was being selfish for being angry because I could'nt have asked for a better person to raise my baby for me than God. I'm sorry about your daughter. She is a beautiful angel.
bayareagreatthing - Thankyou!
Sholley - Thank you! I am sorry for your loss as well. I love your comment about God being the best to raise your baby! What a wonderful and comforting thought.
Meschill,
Loved your comforting words. Your daughter is beautiful. We lost a newborn when he was four days old. He was born with his heart on the right side of his chest. Two years later we lost a set of twins (in a pregnancy) after being on bedrest for two months because the amniotic fluid dried up. At five and a half months their lungs were too "immature" and could not have sustained them without massive brain damage. Nonetheless, the Lord has blessed us with three wonderful children who delight us every day. Like KCC says, I have learned to build memories (both pictures and video) but above all by enjoying every moment of our lives together.
I felt the loss deeply but there was one thing that comforted me the most: the certainty that "To be absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord to those who love Him and know Him. I did not seek to understand because I was filled with peace and I knew then what scriptures talks about in the words "peace that surpasses all understanding".
I pray that you be filled with the same peace and that the beautiful memories of your daughter bring you joy.
Zenani,
Thank you so much for your loving words and for sharing your story with me. I believe the Lord brings us together to comfort each other; what an imazing God we serve!
KCC Big Country says:
2 months ago
Meschill: I can honestly say "I do understand" as I have lost a child as well. I have several hubs about the loss of my son who died in a go-cart accident just before his 13th birthday. My heart aches when I discover another mother has had to endure the same pain as we have. It just shouldn't be that way. ((((Hugs to you))))
This is a beautifully written hub and the only thing I can add to the list of don'ts is I cringed everyone told me my son was in a better place. That was in no way comforting to me, although I know they meant it to be.
Kristi was certainly beautiful and very lucky to have a mom like you. I know you miss her. If you ever want to talk I'm an email away.