I was trying to think about when I began to believe in such a thing as destiny. As a child I believed that anything was possible, you just had to be willing to put in the effort. As I got older, I began to realise that even when you have given it all that you have, you may still not acheive your goal. People would say things like 'may be it wasn't meant to be'.

I began to ask questions like: Was I meant to be? As the last child in a large family, it was a common joke that my mother had thought the whole time that she was pregnant with me that I was a boy. She already had 5 kids, only one of which was a boy, she really did not want anymore children. But having a strong belief that I would be her final son, she reluctantly proceded with the pregnancy. Disappointment in capitals was how she felt when yet another girl popped out!

My parents hadn't intended any cruelty when they made this joke, but as life would turn out, this began to be a source of low self esteem for me in my teenage years. I began to consider how I could find out what was meant to be! I grew up hearing about God and saying my prayers, but I had never heard from him personally. I mean it wasn't as if God was going to sit beside me and tell me what he planned to do with my life. So, I visited a psychic, she talked about things of the past but was very general about my future. I consulted hotline psychics, what a waste of money. I bought books on tarot cards and began to practice. It was a good party trick but again it did not answer my questions.

As the events of my life began to unfold, I was mad at God. Why was I born, why didn't he save me from the failed relationships, especially when I had prayed so hard to ask him to guide me and let me know if they were right for me. I grew frustrated.I felt like a puppet in a big game. Like God was standing up there being entertained as I tried to figure out what was the purpose for my life. Why couldn't he just tell me what he planned and let me get on with it.

In a weird and nonesensical way, being mad at God, caused me to try and understand him. I figured if I could please him, then I would find this illusive happiness. As I learned more about God, I learnt that indeed my birth was not an accident. That even if my parents did not want me or at least hoped I would have a different gender, God was and is in control and he made me exactly as he intended. If you have similar questions about why you were born, try reading Isaiah 49 and Psalms 139. You will realise that even before the earth was formed, God knew about you and planned for you.

I have also come to learn that God has a plan for my life. But it is not the kind of plan where he sits back and amuses himself while we trip and slip and try to figure out what that plan is. You see although God has a plan, that plan is flexible enough to accommodate our desires as well.

Think about it like this, some parents have a plan for their children at birth. They know what school, and what university they will send them to, what subjects they will major in, they may even decide which family they want them to marry into and what type of career they will have. Others have a looser plan for their children. They may decide that they will send their child to the best school that they can afford. If they child shows interest in cooking, they enlist them in a Cordon Bleu program, and if they show interest in Art they send them to study in Paris. Although both parents are determined to give their children the best, in the second example, the parents' plans and dreams for their child leaves space for the child to identify his or her interests.

Before, I used to think, God has a plan and I had to figure out exactly what that is, so that I can walk ever so carefully along that path. Now I am starting to understand that God is not interested in laying out a detailed path for me to walk. He has given me a mix of skills and abilities and he wants me to enjoy experimenting and using them in as many ways as I possibly can.

Whether I choose to persue the path of industrial pschology (which I studied) or start writing children books (which I have never done), makes no difference. God will help me in either path to learn or experience the things he wants me to learn or experience. If I get too arrogant and have to experience failure to become humble, I will experience that failure no matter which path I take. In the same way, if I am to experience generousity it will happen regardless of which path I take.

So for everyone out there, who is looking for your destiny, my message to you is get up and utilise the skills and abilities that you have in anyway that makes you happy and of course which does not harm another person. Your destiny is limited by your fear. Your destiny is as big as your imagination.

Lilly