Coming Out Of The Closet: The Reason I Hid My Secret From The World
83
Today I Choose To Share My Secret
My name is Ashley and for the past 18 years i have kept a secret from the many people i love including my parents. Yes, i am a bi sexual.
Coming out of the closet is not an easy thing to do. It is very intimidating because you know that many people will judge you, some may embrace it positively and others shun you away because you are different. I am no different than the first time you met me. I am still the same girl who went to movies with you and baked mud pies when we were seven. I am still the same loving, caring daughter you brought into this world and just because i'm different, doesn't mean i've changed.
Why did i choose to confess my status? It is not for recognition or for fame. But it is to lift the weight of my shoulders which has been plaguing me for so many years. The secret gnawed at my mind for so long that i had to get it out of me before i self destructed. I am proud to be who i am. This is me and nothing you say or do will ever change me.
My parents still do not know my sexuality. I know that it will break them and that is why i will not tell them as yet. I have spoken to them about gay and lesbian friends and they accept it, but told me straight that they would disown me if i ever turned out that way. The thought of them finding out does terrify me immensly but i'm tired of the lies, i'm sick of the jokes. This is who i am detached from the masks that hide my emotions.
A lot of my friends know that i am bi-sexual and they respect that. Naturally, my lesbian and other bi-sexual friends are thrilled and said "i thought they was something queer about you!" My brother and his wife know and approve of it. My father does suspect something but my mother knows nothing. I don't worry about them finding out from my friends because they won't tell a soul and it's not as if my parents would read my Hubs. I mean, come on. My dad said congrats for getting the Hubnuggets nomination but that was the end of it. My mother said nothing. Oops, does that sound a bit resentful? That's how it is.
The reason for this article is that i hope other 'closet cases' as i partially am, will realize that there is always someone there for you, even if it is your friends. Feeling scared, sick, lonely, angey or even terrified is quite normal when you are faced with questions and people wanting to know why. Stand up for yourself and don't let anyone put you down. I most certainly will not let others walk over me and i have not changed, i am still CiscoPixie and someone's daughter, friend, niece, cousin and mentor.
- Gay Children: How To Deal With It
Imagine this scenario: you let your daughter sleep over at friends house because they are going to the movies later. You are at the same mall doing a bit of shopping when you spot your daughter walking...
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
THANK YOU CREATIVEONE59 :)
To be honest is always liberating,you take care now CiscoPixie ...PEACE!: )
This took a great deal of courage for you to admit. I admire your honesty and being true to yourself is never a bad choice. Keep writing. It is good for the mind and the soul. Always your friend.
thank you Waren and Queen :) means a great deal to have positive support!
CiscoPixie, Great hub and congrats on starting the process of being your genuine you.
No one can say how anyone will really react to something (especially when they've seemingly made their position known on a topic) but know that sometimes when it's someone who is your child, your friend, your parent, somehow the idea of "disowning" or cutting someone out of your life based on something like sexuality becomes more difficult. It's no longer an abstract, it's the little girl who took your hand to cross the street and that image is sometimes enough to help parents to begin to see the whole person and not just their sexuality.
Coming out is a continual process but worth every minute of it. If you think of all the minutes you've spent worrying about it, trying to hide it, etc. you'll discover that once you're out you can use those minutes for a lot more productive things. Best of luck to you and your family and friends.
Thank you Scott :) that was really touching. In time, they will understand. I know that. But what matters is that i'm never alone. I have my friends and the rest of my family's support. Thank you very much for the comment. I appreciate it.
CiscoPixie my thoughts and best wishes will be with you on your journey. Have you thought of telling your father first, in your brother and sister-in-law’s presence? Then telling your mother later. It’s kinda asking your dad and brother to enter into collusion with you. But maybe it would be enough peer pressure to keep your mother from going extreme meltdown on you.
My sister came out as a lesbian years ago. My dad and I had already suspected as much and discussed it together. It was not a big deal to us. My sister had been through depressions and psychiatric hospitalizations, no small part of which was this “identity crisis”. My mother still struggles with it, in my view due to a misguided sense of religion and morality. She never “disowned” my sister, just is “worried about her soul” and what people at church will think. It’s no wonder I have a very jaded view of religion. That’s my “closet”. I can’t tell my mom how I feel about religion. That would probably be an even bigger taboo to her. I don’t want her staying awake at night praying for the souls of both of her children.
Thank you rmcrayne. I have thought about it but because we are in different countries, it's not really possible. My father does suspect it and he said as long as i'm happy so i think he may accept it. I really feel for you when it comes to religion. But people should understand that everyone is unique and we all like different things. good luck to you!
Cisco,you have probably helped more people than you even know, I only pray it's helped you more. Thank you for sharing your gift with us, Kimberly
Thank you Kim :) I hope so too. It's a long road but i walk with friends so i'm never alone. Ash.
Love is simply a wonderful and beautiful thing.God Bless You Dear Heart.
thank you stars :) Love sure is..
Good Luck, my friend. It's a tough journey but you'll be fine in the long run. Your friends, including those of us on HP, are supporting you...
thank you rope :) means a lot..
that's a tough one..
gay, bi, whatever label it is, there is surely only one Pixie with a precious heart :)
Hy Cisco Pixie,
I am glad that you have found the strength and honesty to tell the world. Sometimes we tip toes through life not wanting to wake or worry others about what is trivial or important. I lost a few friends when I told them about my being bi, but then I gained new friends too. Some day this kind of thing will be so routine, it won't even be a point of conversation. The World has SO moved on. You are a fantastic person. Anyone reading your hubs already knows that. You inspire others. I wish you joy and happiness in your life. God Bless you. CG.
thank you cheeky :) i have lost friends and made new ones as well. Life is too short to have worries or regrets.
Many people i know both male and female who are gay. Congratulations for sharing. You have courage. It's very common to be gay in today's world Ashley, may you find a fruitful partner and a happy, content life.
God bless
thank you clover :) it does take courage, but it also wastes a lot of time when you stress about coming out that now i couldn't be bothered who finds out. I am what i am, nothing more or less.
As one who has endured the dreaded rejection and judgement from a parent because of the "gay" issue, I applaud your bravery. I also have a child who is gay, and as a result of experiencing the devestation of parental condemnation, assured my son that I loved him regardless of his sexual orientation, and nothing could change that. Hold your head up, Pixie, and know that you are precious, just as you are!
I have yet to endure it but i feel no shame. I've hidden too long and tried to hard to cover tracks. I admire you for dealing with the issues positively.. many i know couldnt deal with it.
Hi, just to say you are what you are, it is genetics. And your parents should see it that way. If they don't, then just let little hints creep into the conversation over a few months, until, without knowing it, they will realise that they knew all along!! crafty eh? cheers Nell
Well, over the years i've dropped many hints and it appears to fall on deaf ears. So they will find out one day either when i'm ready to tell them, or on their own. Some days i feel like walking up to them and saying hey did you know i'm a bisexual? then i laugh at my thoughts and carry on with life.
There will always be those who judge you without knowing you, it is unfortunate when it is your loved ones. My parents will probably never accept it, but I have come to realize that I can't change them anymore than they can change me. Kudos for your courage, and you will be loved for who you are.
People judge before they know who we are. You're right though, they may never accept it but it's pointless spending time making them understand. They will deal with it on their own. Thank you janie. Kudos to you for being proud of who you are.
Happy Christmas, Ciscopixie! I hope the future brings you all the things you want in life!
thank you cheeky! and to you too my friend :)
i am sorta like you except for a few parts..
yes im sure my parents would be devastated that there little boy is BI-sexual
but im afraid to tell anyone execpt 2 people.. and i trust them..
the weight is big and the secret is gnawing at my mind to but i cant help it...
when i get enough courage i will tell my friends.. but ill keep my secret from parents till i know they are alright with it...
all my life ive been teased because my middle name was Gaelan and they said you must be gay..
all my friends teased me about it... most arnt my friends and would just attack me with my own truth..
so i dont know how to tell anyone...
im sorry f this is little rambling but thank you for reading to the end of my comment
I know how you feel James, but don't worry so much about it. The more time you spend worrying whether or not someone will find out, the more time you waste as you haven't lived life the way you wanted to. Real friends tease but know where to draw the line. Just keep it to yourself and have fun in life :) thank you for commenting
i will keep that in mind through out highschool
Good writing hun. Coming out is a long process that is different for everyone. You have taken two of the three steps in coming out. You admitted it to yourself, and your friends. Family is the last and hardest people to tell. I have been out with myself and my friends for 7 years now, and my parents are still in denial.. and I don't mention it to them. They found out about me being a lesbian, but convinced themself it is a phase. My mom still talks about me wanting children and how that has to happen with a man. No one can change you except yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay, straight or anywhere imbetween. Be strong and be yourself. Be the best person you can be, and it will be that much harder for your parents to shun you when you are a great person in every possible area of your life. Take care :)
thank you lgbt11 :) Family is the hardest to tell. Some of the family know but my parents either know it and reject it or dont know it. Thank you for commenting!
lgb11 thank you too, im figuring myself out for the first time and any help with "figuring" myself helps.. thank you ;D
creativeone59 says:
3 months ago
Good hub for being honest, thanks for sharing. creativeone59